Taylor never really thought about the pressure she always felt, even in her own house. There was always that feeling, that worry in the back of her head that she was being watched. She couldn't even begin to describe the relief in being somewhere that no one knew about. She had the best sleep she had in weeks, considering that she'd been awake with Thea. There was something different about being awake, looking out at the view.
"Do you really think this is a good idea?" She asked Joe as she tied up her hair. They'd been in New Zealand for five days now, and last night, Taylor had decided that they should walk to the little tea room. "It could go so badly."
"If you really don't want to go, we don't have to. There's hot chocolate here," Joe came into her view, putting on a sweatshirt. "We could always walk there, and decide when we get there. If it looks too busy, then we can just turn around and come right back home."
Taylor nodded. They'd spent yesterday taking photos in a near by forest for her new album cover. While they were back in America for the trial, Taylor had arranged for them to film the Willow music video. They were only going to be in America for a few days, before they were getting on a plane and coming back here. Taylor had booked the place for three months, and that's where she wanted to be. She didn't want to have to face the cameras after the trial.
"What if people see us?" Taylor asked, as she started to put on her shoes.
"We'll both have hats and sunglasses on. No one knows that we're here, so no one will be expecting to see us. And if they do, then we will ask them politely not to tell people." Joe began to get Thea's bag ready, just in case. "It's going to be okay." He paused, leaning over and kissing Taylor's head. "We can do this."
Going out for a walk like this, leaving their house and walking to get coffee with Thea, it was something that Taylor had always wanted to do. She always wanted to go on lots of walks with her children, get them out in the air and see the beautiful things in nature. She knew that she probably wouldn't get this chance again. Sometimes, she thought, you've just got to be brave.
The sun was high in the sky, as they began walking down the driveway. Taylor felt anxious that there would be camera's, the moment they got to the gate, and breathed a sigh of relief when she didn't see any. She didn't hear the little click, didn't even hear another person.
"Maybe the world really did end," She said to Joe with a smile. She'd finally looked at her phone, at her fans reaction to all of this. They were so excited - couldn't believe that she'd managed to keep this a secret the entire time. She couldn't believe how much love there was towards Thea already, even though they didn't know her name, or what she looked like. Taylor had really thought that her fans would be so angry with her for not telling them, especially when they'd realised that this was why she'd had to cancel the tour. But they weren't... and she just felt so relieved that they just wanted her to be happy.
"It wouldn't surprise me if it did," Joe grinned. "And if it did, then we won't need to worry about seeing anyone, will we?" He nudged her softly. "I think that this is one of the best ideas we've ever had."
"I don't know," Taylor smiled, "I can think of a few. Deciding to have Thea, for one... deciding to follow that golden string, for another... and don't get me started on the idea of writing songs together." She laughed. She felt her anxiety fade away as the further they got without seeing another soul. It was beautiful, the little road that lead into the tiny town. The coffee shop was empty.
"Do you want to? We can turn around and leave," Joe asked. "That's okay too."
"Let's do this," Taylor nodded. "How often are we ever going to get to do this? Let's do it." She was proud of herself for making that decision. Once upon a time, she'd have never been able to make that choice.
Joe smiled. "Do you want to sit outside? I can go in and order, if you want to sit down with Thea."
Taylor nodded. "Thank you."
"I'm proud of you," Joe rested a hand on her back, and she grinned. "I'll see you soon."
Taylor went and sat in the sun. There was a beautiful garden outside, filled with lavender, wisteria, roses and hydrangeas. She loved this kind of garden. Her heart was beating hard, and she was worried that someone would see her. Someone would see her and know, and then all the cameras would know, too.
Thea was asleep in the pram, which was covered with a thin muslin blanket. It had tiny little suns on it, and was perfect for keeping her out of the sun. It also worked to protect her if any cameras found her. She wouldn't be able to keep them away forever, and eventually there would be a time where they couldn't keep her hidden anymore, but Taylor wanted to wait.
She peeked through, smiling at her daughter.
"The lady who owns this is so lovely," Joe said as he sat down in front of her. "She complemented my accent."
"Of course she did! I love your voice," Taylor smiled. She felt so happy here, felt so normal. "Thea is sound asleep. Were there many people inside?" She asked as Joe had a quick look at Thea with a smile.
"Just an older couple who were talking about their kids growing up and moving to the city." Joe answered with a smile. "You look so beautiful today, love."
Taylor blushed. "Thank you. You look great today too."
"Do you have to write a statement?" Joe asked her, and she nodded. She'd gotten over her fear of talking about it, or even thinking about it. In three weeks, she'd be sitting in that courtroom. In three weeks, she'd be walking out of that room, and she'd be getting on that plane to come back here, to their little oasis they'd found. In three weeks, she'd be free.
"I know what I'm going to say... I just haven't written it down yet." She sighed. "I think that it's going to be the kind of thing that I need to rewrite a hundred times... and even then it still won't be like I want it." She rested her head on the back of her hand. "I love you. Thank you for doing this with me."
"Of course. I'll always be here." Joe reached out and stroked her hand. She smiled. She loved him more than she ever thought it was possible to love someone.
"You two found yourselves the best seat in the entire country!" A voice said from behind them, and Taylor turned around, grinning. An older lady was walking over with their drinks. "There's nothing better than sitting here in the sun with a nice drink."
"You are right," Joe laughed. "This place is beautiful."
"It took my husband and I thirty years to get it looking like this - it was a right mess when we found it, but with a little bit of work, I think it worked out just fine." The woman said as she put the drinks down on the table. "Let me know if there's anything else I can get you both!"
"Thank you," Taylor smiled. She loved that she wasn't recognised, loved that she was out without security for the first time in forever. She loved that they were here, in this beautiful place, alone.
"Enjoy," The woman grinned before heading back inside.
The hot chocolate was delicious - not as good as Joe's, but a close second, and Taylor thought that they might just have to come back here, maybe it might have to become a regular thing. It would be so lovely to wake up and walk down here for a hot drink.
The walk home was quiet, the cicadas were buzzing in the trees, and the sun was shining brightly. It was the perfect temperature, not too hot or too cold.
"What do you want to do when we get home?" Joe asked as they turned into the driveway.
"I really have to be working on a couple more songs," she sighed. "The release date is coming around so fast, I've only got seven of them written so far - and there's supposed to be about seventeen of them." She was always thinking ahead, always trying to come up with new ideas. Aaron had sent her a couple of tracks, to which she'd half finished a song, but she had yet to finish them and send them back to him. "I was wondering if you'd like to work on Champagne Problems with me this afternoon," she asked. "I've got the bridge written, but that's about it... and you're so good at coming up with stories. And I don't want it to appear as if we've just heard Patrick's story and copied it."
"Of course I'll help you - we write great songs together."
"And Justin is all in for singing another song with me - which is just so exciting! I can't believe how lucky these last three years have been. I just can't comprehend how much my life has changed. And it's all because of you. All of it. It's all changed for the better because of you, Joe." She'd never stop telling him that, never stop telling him how much he'd helped her.
"It's not just because of me," he turned to look at her. "You've changed too - I don't think that you even realise it, but you have. You've changed over the last three years. You're always smiling. When I first met you, I thought that I'd never get to see that smile. You had everyone convinced that you were happy, that the little grin you did... that was your smile. But it wasn't." He chuckled. "Of course it wasn't. Your smile sparkles, Taylor."
Taylor laughed. "It does not!"
"It most definitely does. It's contagious."
"What about we start it from the moments after she said no?" Joe suggested as he slowly walked backwards and forwards across the room, Thea in his arms. "What if people aren't exactly sure what the song is about until the bridge? The bridge that you've written is beautiful - so raw and emotional. What if we leave them guessing what happened until the very end... if we leave them little clues about what happened that night, but it's all confirmed in the bridge?"
Joe had come up with the piano for it this afternoon, and the day was fading into night outside.
"I think she really likes the piano," Joe smiled. "She's just like us then, isn't she?" Taylor laughed. She stopped playing. "She can almost hold her head up when she's on her tummy," she grinned. If there was one thing she could talk about for the rest of her life, it would be the little girl that was in Joe's arms. Taylor just loved her so much. Everything she was doing, even just sleeping, was the most precious thing in Taylor's entire world. Thea was getting bigger and stronger every single day, she was smiling more, she was holding her head up, was looking around at everything more. Taylor and Joe had even started to read to her - just small books so that Thea could get used to their voices. It was the sweetest thing - she'd started to follow then around her room with her eyes, started to know when they were with her. Started to pay attention to their faces. It was such a special time, and Taylor couldn't believe that she was experiencing it. It just seemed like she didn't deserve to see something that beautiful. She'd been trying really hard to get rid of that mindset, that she didn't deserve to see all of those things. Joe had been careful to remind her of how deserving of it all she was, but sometimes her mind got the better of her. She was getting better at shutting those thoughts out. At telling herself that she did deserve this.
Taylor checked her phone, seeing that it was nearly eight o'clock at night - the day had slipped away.
"It's time to put this little one to bed," she smiled as she stood up. Both her and Joe had been working hard to get a routine going. It was hard, but it had been working so far. They would turn the lights down in the house, dim them while they were getting her ready for bed. "I think that bath time might be my absolute favourite part of all of it - wait... mmmm... no, uh. I can't decide." Taylor smiled as the two of them walked to the bathroom. Over the past three weeks with Thea, she'd been trying really hard to keep up with what sort of night time routine would be best, and her and Joe had finally found one that worked for all three of them.
When bedtime came, they'd turn off anything that made a sound, anything with bright lights... anything that wasn't peaceful. They would then give Thea a bath.
Taylor rocked her quietly as Joe got the water right. These moments were just so beautiful, so lovely. She just couldn't believe that they could even be this sweet.
"Ready," Joe said as they undressed Thea. They spoke in soft voices, cleaning her softly. Thea didn't seem to mind the bath, she just watched them closely. Taylor couldn't stop smiling, couldn't stop wondering how on earth she deserved this.
Joe would never, ever get tired of watching Taylor with Thea. There was a smile that she only gave to Thea, a smile that no one else in the world could get out of her. The way Taylor's voice went all high pitched, the way her eyes sparkled, the way she couldn't help but kiss her little cheeks.
After the bath, Taylor would get her a new onesie, diaper and pacifier for bedtime while Joe softly rubbed baby lotion on her. By this stage, Thea was getting sleepy. She didn't cry when she was taken out of the bath. Thea didn't cry very often, she was a very happy baby. Once she was changed, they'd give her the pacifier, and take her back to her bassinet, where they'd sing to her. Soft little tunes, songs that they'd only sing to her at night, because Taylor's Mom had told them how important a routine was, how important it was to help them learn the difference between day and night.
Most of the time, Taylor would end up singing Never Grow up, with Joe humming along beside her. It was such a pure moment in time, something that Taylor always wanted to keep in her memories forever.
Then, once Thea had gone to sleep, they'd take the baby monitor downstairs with them, while they had dinner.
"I will never get sick of doing that," Taylor said as she started to cook dinner. She smiled as she thought about it. "I love you."
Joe came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her, kissing her neck. "I love you too. You are the best mum that Thea could have."
Her initial thought was to deny it, to tell him that he was wrong, to give a list of reasons as to why he couldn't be right. But she didn't. "Just as you're the best dad." Taylor turned to face him. "She looks more and more like you every day."
Joe shook his head. "No way! She looks like you, I swear."
Taylor laughed. "Thank you for today. I had such a lovely time." She leaned in and kissing him, her arms cupping his cheeks. "I always think that the days I spend with you can't get better, and you always prove me wrong. Every god damn time," she shook her head with a smile. "I always think that I can't love you any more than I already do, but I always can." She kissed his cheek. "You're worth it too, Joe. Every part of you is all worth it too." She kissed his nose, and he smiled. "And I will be here every single day to remind you to be kind to yourself too, because you deserve that too. I'll be here to hold you when those thoughts get too much, when you don't think you can fight them. I'll be here to talk to when the world gets too much. I'll be here for it all. I'll be here for you, no matter what." Finally, she slowly kissed his lips, hoping he knew just how much she meant every single word she said. "I love you to the moon and to Saturn. To infinity and further."
Her words brought tears to Joe's eyes, as he wrapped his arms around her. He knew that he'd never go back to that place he had been before he'd met Taylor, he'd never go back there because she was keeping him in the daylight. He knew that even if the darkness found him, there'd be a hand holding him up, reminding him about the light. If the darkness swallowed him, he knew that Taylor would be there every single fucking step of the way back to daylight. She'd be there, reminding him of what the light felt like, reminding him of the way the sun dances across your cheeks, the way it feels on your eyelids as you stand face up towards the sky. She'd keep sunlight in her pockets, just so he would never have to live in that darkness again.