"I go back to December all the time." I sing softly into the microphone. "All the time..."
"That's a wrap!" The producer calls from the other side of the glass, giving me two big thumbs up.
We've been working on my album for a few months now and this is the final recording of my new single.
I smile softly at how proud he looks as I set the headphones onto the mic stand. I grab my water and my journal before making my way to the exit.
As soon as we wrap up our goodbyes, Abe leads me out of the studio and towards the back where the driver is waiting.
It's been a few months since I've spoken to Calum, or any of the guys for that matter. They seem to be doing well, while I'm doing my best at hiding the pain.
As soon as my album drops though, everyone will know exactly who it's about and exactly how I feel.
Today is the first day of March and I still find myself revisiting that night in December when Calum was throwing rocks at my window.
"I'll meet you inside, I need to make a call." Abe whispers and I nod softly, climbing out of the car.
I make my way up the steps, almost making it to the door, when I hear laughter coming from the boys' house. I turn to see the four of them laughing and kicking around a soccer ball in the front yard.
Before I can look away, Calum catches my eye and stops moving. He just stands there, looking at me like it's his first time seeing me. He gives me a soft wave and I return the favour before entering the house.
Jeff has been giving me a hard time since he heard the full story about everything with Calum. Noelle told him to be easy on me since breakups are hard, fake or not, but he wasn't having it.
The thoughts have been coming back, worse than before. It's almost as if my brain knows something I haven't caught onto yet.
After around an hour of letting my mind wander, Abe finally comes into the house.
"I need you to run this next door, please." Abe hands me a stack of mail and I furrow my eyebrows.
"Why can't you do it?" I frown and he shakes his head.
"I have a meeting I need to get to. You just have to drop it off."
"It's like the third time this has happened in the past two weeks. The mail man needs to be fired."
"Yeah, I really have to go."
Before I can argue any further, his phone rings, causing him to leave the house. I sigh, looking down at the stack of mail that's at least two inches tall.
I grab the mail and leave the house, making my way to the house I've been dreading for months. It feels like just yesterday I was talking to Calum on the front steps, and now I'm about to throw up all over their mail from overwhelming feelings.
The feelings I can identify are fear and guilt.
The fear of Calum spitting on me and telling me to go to hell is something that's been lingering in the back of my mind for a while.
Not to mention that the feeling of guilt isn't a new one either. That one definitely is something I deserve to feel.
I stab my nails into my leg three times before finally finding the courage to knock on the door. The knocks end up being louder than I had anticipated and it causes me to cringe.
I hear shuffling from inside the house before the door finally opens, showcasing none other than Calum.
"I- I came over to- your m- here." I fail at my attempt to speak, my eyes on the floor the entire time.
I hand him the mail and he gently grabs it.
"Thank you." He responds, his eyes still focused on me.
"You guys released a new album." I manage to whisper and he nods.
"What's your favourite song on it?" He asks and I try to think, already knowing my answer.
"Heartache On The Big Screen." I answer quietly.
"Yeah, yeah Heartache On The Big Screen. It's definitely a sad one." He responds and I look up at him. My eyes finally meeting his and I feel all the nerves leave my body. "You have an album coming out, right?"
"Yeah, its called Safe Haven With A Short Life." I nod softly, the name came from the feeling a love gives you before you mess it up.
"Nice, your first single comes out tomorrow." He attempts to keep the conversation going and I nod again.
"Back To December, yeah." The name makes me feel as if I'm going to vomit, but his soft smile makes the feeling disappear.
"I can't wait to hear it."
"You probably won't like it." I shake my head and he sighs.
"Do you want to come in? We haven't talked in a few months." He finally offers, sliding out of the way so I can get a clear view of the interior of the house.
It feels so much bigger than I remember.
"No, it's okay. I've got to get some rest. Maybe some other time." I decline, sticking my hand in my pocket.
"Oh, alright, I-" Before he can finish his sentence, Ashton appears behind him. He grins and waves at me.
I pull my hand out of my pocket and try to wave at him when a pack of cigarettes falls out of my pocket and onto the ground.
Shit.
Calum and I both watch as it falls open, two cigarettes falling out to reveal that they're the only ones left.
"You don't smoke." He mumbles, picking up the pack and handing it to me, his eyebrows knitted together.
"I didn't," I sigh, looking down at the package in my hands. "Things change I guess."
He watches me intently, as if him stare will answer the questions clouding his thoughts. I stuff the package back into my pocket and sigh, looking away from him.
"I have to go. It was nice to get to talk again." I force a smile and turn to walk away when he grabs my bicep, pulling me back.
"You know I'm here for you, if you need someone to listen to you, right?" He whispers, almost as if he doesn't want the others to hear him.
"I'm okay Calum, really." I smile again, not really forcing it this time.
He lets go of my arm and I feel my skin burn as if it will fall off without his touch.
As if I need his touch.
———
As we leave the store, the flash from the paparazzi's cameras make my head hurt. I pull my hood over my head and push my sunglasses further up onto my face, as if it'll make them go away.
Abe pushes me along as Noelle and Jeff walk in front of me. The driver is holding the door open, allowing Jeff and Noelle to climb in first.
As I approach the car, the voices around me get louder as they slam me with questions, but a specific one stands out.
"Margo how do you feel about Calum Hood having a new girlfriend?!" The reporter calls out and I freeze, turning to her.
"I'm sorry?" I squint to point her out in the crowd, finally finding her.
"Calum Hood was recently seen with a new girl, I was wondering how you feel about them? Where do the two of you stand?" She pushes the recorder into my face and Abe attempts to push me further towards the car. As if he's trying to stop me from answering the question.
"If they're happy, I'm happy. As long as he's not saying anything bad about me, we're friends." I simply respond before finally turning around and getting into the car.
I sit beside Noelle as Abe sits across from me, beside Jeff.
The driver closes the door and gets into the car as well, driving away from the store. Noelle is on her phone, as is Jeff.
Abe is looking out the window so I decide this is my best chance to pull out my phone, searching for the relationship the reporter was talking about.
I finally find an article about the situation and I feel my heart sink.
5 Seconds Of Summer's Calum Hood Is Spotted In LA With Instagram Model
An Instagram model. You've got to be kidding.
Noelle places her hand onto mine, causing me to avert my attention from my phone to her.
"I doubt that source is reliable. They may just be friends." She whispers softly and I try to swallow the lump in my throat. "You know how the media can be."
"Yeah, but it still hurts. I know the relationship wasn't real, but I feel like a part of me wanted it to be." I shake my head.
It feels dumb now that I say it out loud, but anyone in my position would feel the same way.
I've had a crush on Calum since we were kids, then I moved here and thought the feelings disappeared. It's just something about him moving in next door and all of a sudden being a part of every aspect of my life that just felt right.
Whether the relationship was fake or not, I know when I'm acting.
"I'm here if you want to talk." She whispers again, pulling her hand away from mine and I roll my eyes.
I'm tired of people telling me that, as if they'll be there to answer my call at four in the morning when I feel like I'm dying because I woke up from a nightmare. Or at six in the afternoon when I'm having a panic attack because I heard something that set me off.
People only say that because that's what they think is the right thing to say. Its what they think you want to hear.
They're not always right though.
I want someone to give me the hard truth, whether it upsets me or not. I want someone to tell me they love me and mean it. I want someone to tell me their honest opinion and not just what they think I want to hear because of who I am.
I'll always be impressed with someone that says exactly what they're thinking. They're the type of person who refuses to form an opinion based off of what someone else thinks.
Everyone in Australia was always hating on me and saying stuff like 'you won't reach your goals' or even 'your dreams are useless, do something that's actually going to change something in the world.'
What they didn't know, is I do this because I want to show young people that no matter their age, they can reach their goals if they put in the work.
That's why I always admired the boys' band. They had a few people at school that would bully them for playing music on YouTube, but now they're living in one of the biggest cities in the world.
Not to mention they're hanging out with the fastest growing boy band in the world and meeting stars that make millions.
I guess that's what scares me with Calum.
One day he'll meet someone far better than me and he'll get with them, leaving me behind.
I don't want to think like that but it's the harsh reality. If he didn't pay attention to me back in Australia then why would he start now?
If we were to end up together, I mean really end up together. No faking it, no cuttings attached, no catch. Just two hearts that have a connection.
That would end up being one of the best love stories known to man.
Until then, I just have to keep on writing my songs and acting as if the situation doesn't bother me.
Fake it until I make it.