A/N: hello my lovely readers! i know i dont normally add authors notes on my wattpad uploads, but i just wanted to tell you all thank you so much for the love youve shown this story! i read all your comments and they genuinely make me laugh so hard. it makes me so happy that so many people have not only read, but have enjoyed this story because its truly my baby. you guys are just the absolute best thank you for all your kindness and support<3
As I left Draco's dorm, my mind chanted his words over and over again like a mantra. My hands were still shaking, my heart was still racing, even as I went to the Ravenclaw tower, barely watching where I was walking. There had been very few times where I had seen Draco act genuinely sincere, and even few times where I had seen him admit he was scared.
Actually, now that I thought about it, I had never seen Draco anything less than suave, cocky, and incredibly proud. Even when Harry had nearly killed him, even when his dad had nearly killed him...
Even with our sullied past, I had no doubt that Draco had actually meant it. He was terrified of losing me. And the thought of losing Draco? My heart lurched at the mere thought of it.
It seemed every day that my feelings for Draco grew stronger, and I didn't know how I was going to deal with it.
It felt like I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, though. Every time Draco was real with me, I lost myself in the thrill of the moment, but I always began to spiral down into my doubts almost immediately after I left him.
Things were...they were good, complicated, but still, good. Try as I might, I couldn't silence the cynical voice in my head that continued to tell me that this wasn't a smart choice, that I should get out before this boy shattered me.
Frankly, I needed to talk to someone about it. I wanted to tell someone that he and I had just...god, just had sex and I wanted to ask about the strange burn on his wrist and I wanted someone to get excited over his parting words with me.
As I changed, my stomach grumbled, making me realize that I had missed dinner. It was almost dark outside, which meant that I would have to wait until breakfast to eat.
It had been so fucking worth it though.
Draco had looked ethereal. There was truly no other word for the way his pale hair had plastered to his forehead, for the way his skin flushed as he fucked me...
I flopped down onto my bed, covering my face with my hands as happiness, brighter and stronger than I had felt in a while, flooded my body. Virginity was a social construct- Hermione had gone on about that enough for me to never forget it- but all the same, I don't think it could've been anyone other than Draco for me.
It wouldn't have felt right, especially with the way even being near him made my head spin and all my sense abandon me.
God, that boy was ruining me, but I was glad I was done fighting it at this point. What reason did I have to resist it?
Besides, you know, the obvious direct path of danger it put me in.
"Elaine!" Cho's bright voice came from above me, causing me to uncover my face. "I was wondering where you were! Hermione said you were in Potions, but we didn't see you at dinner."
My face heated as I thought about the reason why my stomach was empty. "Ah, yeah. I was...actually, do you know if Hermione's free? I need to talk to you two about something."
Cho's face fell a bit, but I shook my head. "Nothing bad, I promise. It's actually...it's a really good thing, but I need to talk to both of you about it."
Cho grinned, grabbing my hand and pulling me to my feet. "Come on, we were just about to go to the library."
Cho and I found Hermione sitting at one of the tables in the very back of the library, already surrounded by piles of books and parchment. Her curly hair was twisted back in a soft bun, and she had a smudge of ink across her nose. I laughed softly as I pointed it out to Cho, who pointed it out to Hermione as we sat.
Rubbing the black off her skin, Hermione said, "Elaine, you missed dinner. Are you alright? I was worried. You just disappeared after Potions."
Pulling back my hair, I sighed, letting a soft smile spread across my face. "I'm fine, yeah. Actually, I'm better than fine."
"Alright, out with it!" Cho demanded, noticing the blush dusting my cheeks.
"Remember that boy I was telling you about?"
Cho slapped a hand over her mouth and Hermione's jaw dropped. "You didn't!"
Nodding, my smile grew as Cho and Hermione gaped at me. "Yeah, um, right after Potions. I didn't plan it or anything. One thing led to another, and then..."
Cho let out a soft squeal. "How was it? He was good, right?"
"He was..." I started, feeling my face grow even warmer. "God, he was better than I thought was even possible."
Hermione let out a quiet chuckle. "That good?"
I dipped my head in confirmation. "It was like...god, like he knew exactly what to do and where to touch me, and I just..." I let out a breath as my heart skipped at the memory. "I'm in trouble. This boy has me fucking enchanted or something, I swear."
"It was your first time, wasn't it?" Cho asked.
"Yeah, and he...I can't even describe it," I told them. "He just does something to me, you know?"
The two of them nodded; they each had boys that they had been chasing after for years. Cho and Hermione strangely probably understood the more mundane parts of my relationship with Draco better than anyone.
"And I was afraid that it wouldn't be as good as I imagined it, or that he wouldn't be as good but, god, he was," I finished, looking down at my hands that had been twisted in Draco's hair barely an hour before.
"Oh, I forgot," Hermione muttered, digging into her bag and pulling out a sandwich. She handed it to me, my stomach growling at the sight of food. "Grabbed it for you at dinner. I know we're not supposed to eat in the library, but I figured it's okay this one time."
I grabbed the food from her, unwrapping it quickly and taking a bite. Around the sandwich, I said, "You're a lifesaver, Hermione. I was starving."
Hermione shrugged, smiling at me. "No problem. But, Elaine, seriously, I am so happy for you. I know you don't want to talk about who it is, but if he made your first time that amazing, he's okay in my book."
If only it were that simple. "Thanks, 'Mione," I replied, and I meant it. Not having to keep everything about Draco inside, where it built up and felt like thick fog suffocating my mind at times, felt so relieving.
We spent a few hours studying at the library, but I didn't remember anything I had skimmed over. I couldn't stop thinking about the almost ouroboros-like burn branded into Draco's otherwise unmarred skin. He got it while he had been at home, that much I was almost entirely certain about.
And if he got it at home, that meant...
That meant it was somehow tied to Voldemort, didn't it? That thought made my stomach sink.
-------
I hated it; god, I hated it, but the only person I could think to ask about the burn I had seen on Draco's wrist was Professor Slughorn.
Snape might've been the best answer, but after him practically chomping at the bit to torture me, I strangley had no desire to spend more time with him than necessary. Besides, as far as he knew, Draco had Obliviated me, and asking about that mark would've given both of us away.
I could've asked Hermione, but she was too smart not to connect it back to Draco even if she didn't know now that he was the boy I had been talking about. Harry and I still weren't speaking, and I couldn't ask Ron because he would just tell Harry anyways.
It was one of the few times I truly hated that I was Muggleborn- surely all the students who had grown up with magic and hearing stories about Voldemort and his cadre would know what it was right away. But I hadn't, and I didn't.
And as hard as I had tried, I had been unable to move past it.
Sure, maybe it wasn't any of my business; that's absolutely what Draco would tell me, probably with his lips curled into a snarl, but...
Fuck me, I cared about him too much to let it go. He would argue that if I really cared that much about him, I'd butt out and stop getting myself into things that I shouldn't be getting into.
Let Draco call me nosy, let him get angry at me, but I wanted to... god, maybe I couldn't help, but at least I could try and understand what he was going through. What someone might've forced him to be going through.
So Slughorn it was. As I trudged to his office, remembering the path from the beginning of the year when he had found me crying in the hallway after Cho and I's massive fight, I realized that nearly everything in my life had changed since that night.
Hopefully, Slughorn's willingness to help me hadn't changed, so I knocked on the door, rapping my knuckles against the wood once, twice, then a third time. After a few moments, it swung open and Slughorn's smiling face looked down at me.
"Ms. Adler! What a delightful surprise," he exclaimed. "Come in, come in."
I walked into his office and Slughorn shut the door behind us. I stopped in my tracks as I saw a head of black hair sitting at the couch in front of the fire. Harry turned around, about to speak until his eyes landed on me.
Oh.
"Oh, my apologies, Professor, I didn't know you had company," I said. "I can come back later-"
"Nonsense, my dear. Mr. Potter and I were just having a cup of tea. Would you like one?"
Nodding slightly, I went to sit down in an armchair by the fire that was furthest from Harry's seat, picking at my hands anxiously as I felt his eyes follow me. I prayed that Slughorn couldn't feel the immediate tension that filled the room as I sat, doing my best to ignore Harry's gaze.
Slughorn filled a porcelain tea cup with dark tea and handed it to me, setting milk and sugar on the coffee table in front of me. With a small word of thanks, I accepted the cup as Slughorn took a seat in his usual blue armchair.
"So, to what do I owe this pleasant surprise, Ms. Adler?" Slughorn inquired as I stirred in my milk and sugar.
"I had a question about...about something I saw in a book recently, Professor," I admitted.
Slughorn's bushy brows raised slightly, and I could've sworn his eyes flickered to Harry momentarily before he urged me to continue.
"And I...I didn't quite know who to ask about it. Sometimes, because my parents are Muggles, you know, there are things that I'm not as well-versed in as other students here."
"That's nothing to be ashamed of," Slughorn assured me. "Many of my brightest students are Muggleborn, but of course you know that. I would make the observation that asking for help when seeking knowledge is actually rather mature of you."
"Thank you, sir," I answered, the warmth of my tea seeping through the cup and into my palms. "I truly am sorry to bother you. Are you sure you don't want me to come back? I'd hate to be interrupting anything."
Honestly, I cared less about interrupting whatever Harry and he had been talking about and more about Harry being there. I didn't really want him to hear what I had seen on Draco's arm, even though I claimed I had found it in a book. Harry already suspected the worst of Draco; he would know instantly that I had seen it on Draco and he would likely go straight to Dumbledore with the information after he left Slughorn's office.
"I assure you, you're not interrupting anything," Slughorn promised.
"Okay, good," I said, though I felt the exact opposite.
"What exactly did you see in a book that has you so troubled?"
I took a sip of my tea, the herbal flavor tangy and welcoming. "It's...I'm not sure what it is, only what it looks like. Are you familiar with the ouroboros?"
Slughorn nodded, and I pursed my lips. "It's almost like that. But instead of one, there were two, and they were in a circle. The first snake seemed to be swallowing the second's tail and vice versa with the second."
I saw concern flash in Slughorn's eyes before he looked at me. "That, my dear, would be the Shadow."
"The Shadow?" Harry repeated, his first words since I arrived.
Slughorn hesitated, looking between Harry and I a few times before continuing. "A sort of...precursor to the Dark Mark. Which book did you find this in, if I might ask?"
My stomach felt like it was full of lead as Slughorn confirmed my suspicions. Draco was going to...he was going to become a Death Eater. I had hoped that because it wasn't the Dark Mark itself that it was something less serious, but it seemed I had been very wrong.
"I-I don't remember the name of it," I stammered, setting down my cup. "It was lying open on a table in the library and I went to put it away when I saw it."
A lie, a good one, but a lie. I hoped Slughorn believed me, but I wasn't stupid enough to think Harry would.
Slughorn furrowed his brow. "Ms. Adler, I would caution you not to look into this further. No good comes from anything that mark is associated with. There is enough danger present today, even here at Hogwarts, to keep all of us occupied."
"Yes, sir. I understand."
I needed fresh air, and I needed to be away from Harry's prying eyes, so I quickly excused myself, thanking Slughorn for the tea before leaving. I kept my steps calm, steady, until I shut the door to his office behind me, but once I was separated from them, my knees began to shake. Quickening my pace, I started down the hall, wanting to get out of the stone confines of the castle and out into the open, fresh air of the bitter late winter.
The weight of what Slughorn had told me felt like it was an elephant sitting on my chest, crushing my lungs and making it hard to breath. I had known Draco was working for, or with, Voldemort; that wasn't news to me. I had heard Snape admit as much. I had heard Draco admit as much.
And everyone knew Lucius was, or had been at one point, a Death Eater. Draco was a Pureblood, and the Malfoys had pledged their allegiance to the Dark Lord during the first war.
None of that was a surprise, and I should've known that at some point, Draco would officially join their ranks.
I should've known, but I hadn't let myself embrace it. I hadn't wanted that added bit of difficulty to an already incredibly hard situation. Because Draco becoming a Death Eater meant that not only were we on different sides of thinking, but on different sides of a war.
A war that was already well underway, even if most of the Wizarding world was refusing to acknowledge it.
And god, it hurt. It hurt to think of Draco slipping into that darkness, because that meant he was slipping away from me. I felt like a petulant child to think it, but it felt so fucking unfair. He and I had just...we had just started something, something that was confusing and hurtful at times, but something that also was so addicting, so new and right. I didn't want it to be over before it had really even started.
The world, this war was so much bigger than me, and I knew that. But that didn't mean that I didn't want to be selfish and that I wanted just a bit more time with Draco before it all went to hell.
"Elaine!"
I heard Harry shouting behind me, but I ignored him, turning the corner quickly and walking even faster. I had to get away, I had to get away, I had--
"Elaine! I know you can hear me," Harry called out, and I heard his footsteps quicken into a run as he tried to catch up with me. "Don't ignore me! I just want to-"
"You just want to what?" I snapped, whirling around to face him. Harry stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of the shining tears that were trailing down my cheeks. "You want to accuse me of something? You want to call me names, tell me how little you care about me? Because that's all I heard from you before we stopped talking."
Harry sighed, running his hands through his hair. "Elaine, calm down. I just want to talk, that's all."
I huffed, but kept my mouth closed, and Harry continued. "You...looking into this kind of stuff isn't safe."
"Isn't this literally all you do?"
Harry let out a short, curt laugh. "Fair enough, but I'm already in this. You aren't. There's no point in endangering yourself when you don't have to. I know you didn't see that symbol in a book, either. I came to Slughorn with the same bullshit about H-about something earlier this year."
"I did see it in a book," I countered, though a small part of me found some humor in the fact that Harry and I had come up with the same lie.
"No, you didn't," Harry replied. "Hermione and I have scoured the library over and over again for any information on Voldemort, on anything surrounding him, and not once have we ever found something like that."
I shrugged, giving him an uncaring look. "Maybe you missed it, then. I don't know what to tell you."
"Elaine, I'm glad you think this is something you can joke about, but get real, alright? By asking about these things, by even thinking of them, you're making yourself a target."
I was, and I knew that. I didn't need Harry to tell me that, not in the slightest. "And you're not? What, no one else is allowed to want to help? No one else can do what you're doing because you're the bloody Chosen One?"
"That's not what this is about, and you know that, Elaine. But yeah, okay, that's exactly it. Everyone else has a choice to be involved in this. I don't. Why would you want to throw yourself into this?"
He didn't say it, but words hung unspoken in the air. Why would you want to throw yourself into this when you've seen what it's done to me?
"Does that matter? You don't ask Ron and Hermione that, I'd wager," I told him. "You're not the only person who has something at stake here, Harry."
"Oh, really? What exactly do you have at risk here?"
I held back the answer that danced at the tip of my tongue: Because the boy I'm in love with is in danger, and I could do something to help him.
Instead, I shook my head. "Right, because my parents weren't killed by Voldemort, I'm not allowed to want to do something to fight back against him. You don't have a fucking monopoly on sacrifice or on fighting against Voldemort, you know."
"Wow, that's news to me," Harry deadpanned, causing me to roll my eyes. "I thought I was doing this because I wanted to. It never occured to me that other people could help."
"You know what?" I snapped, nearly at the end of my proverbial rope. "It seems like you're still insistent on being nothing but a dick to me, so I think this conversation needs to be done."
Harry sighed, cracking his knuckles like he did when he was nervous. "Elaine, I'm sorry. Just...let's talk about this. We might be able to help each other."
I took a moment to respond, to think. If anyone could help me other than Slughorn, it would be Harry, but...but that might put Draco directly at risk. That would defeat the whole point of trying to help him, wouldn't it?
But I didn't think Slughorn was going to answer any more questions from me about the Shadow. "Alright, fine."
To curb my own curiosity. For Draco.
"Let's go outside," Harry suggested, so I continued my course from earlier, walking out of the castle and down to the lake.
The grounds were mostly empty, the cold air driving everyone inside to huddle by fireplaces instead of enduring the frigid wind whipping through my hair. The cold helped me think, though. Helped me sort through my thoughts, made me focus.
As we walked down the grassy hill, Harry asked, almost hesitantly, "Why didn't you come to me for help in the first place? Why did you ask Slughorn?"
I nearly scoffed, but remembered we were trying, at least, to be civil. "Honestly, I didn't think you'd bother helping me. And, frankly, I'm still upset at you."
Better to be honest with him up front, instead of pretending like seeing him still didn't make anger bloom in my chest. I was still upset at him. I could barely look at him or Ginny without feeling like my stomach had turned to lead.
It was one of my fatal flaws, I think. Holding grudges was as easy as breathing, but getting over them? You might as well ask me to perform heart surgery for all the success I would have.
That was...that was probably a big part of why the Sorting Hat had wanted me in Slytherin. That trait would've made me fit right in.
Harry winced slightly. "I guess I deserve that. You deserve an apology. What I did was...it wasn't okay, and I'm sorry that I was such a massive asshole to you."
"Oh," I responded softly. I couldn't tell if I wanted to run or if I wanted to hear him out. He was approaching territory that I wasn't sure I was ready to confront yet, but...
But some part of me, some cracked, torn part of me, needed to hear him out.
"And," Harry said as we sat down on the grass, "I'm sorry that I didn't think about how it would make you feel. I did...I did genuinely have feelings for you, but I know that doesn't really matter much. It wasn't on purpose, you know," Harry told me.
I nodded.
"I wasn't trying to hurt you. Any of the times that I hurt you. I never..." Harry let out a breath. "I never wanted things to go this way between us. I don't even know what came over me, really. You know how much I care about you, and I..."
The emotion that was present in Harry's voice shocked me. "And I will never forgive myself for not being there for you after Christmas and everything that happened with your father. Even though I was angry at you, I should've been there for you," Harry confessed, his voice cracking slightly.
My heart contracted at how genuinely upset and angry at himself Harry sounded. I scooted next to him, casting a warming charm over us as I rested my head on his shoulder. "I'll be honest, going through that without you...it was hard, Harry. It was...god, it was so hard," I admitted, willing myself not to give in to the emotion rising in my throat. "I needed you there."
Harry wrapped his arm around me, pulling me in for a tight hug. "I'm so, so, sorry, Elaine. I've been a shit friend and I was a shit boyfriend and I know that isn't enough for you to be able to forgive me and honestly, I haven't done anything to even deserve your forgiveness."
I leaned into his embrace, my nose itching with the whisper of tears as I realized how much I had missed him. "It's...it's not okay now, but it will be," I told him.
Harry let out a soft laugh as tears crowded his throat. "You know, you're too good for this. For- for everything life has thrown at you. For everything I've thrown at you this year."
Biting my cheek to hold in my tears, I nodded. "You are, too."
Pulling away from me slightly, Harry said, "So. Tell about this mark you saw."