She was adding a little bit of honey in her tea before mixing it causing it to dissolve in one another, she looked drowsy, she had suggested we meet before work, and I agreed, dismissing the fact I would be skipping 2 of my classes, but I'd pay the price for her, every time, without a doubt. She caught me staring, and stared right back, squinting her eyes as she tried to ask me questions without asking me anything at all, as if I could read minds, I could barely read through my thoughts, they were empty, and so was I.
"You sure you don't want to eat anything?" Oh man, that hoarse voice of hers was profoundly heavy, and it made her sound so sexy, I almost melted in my spot, but I needed to compose myself, considering that this was my first time seeing her in a while, she looked just the way she did the last day I had seen her, with a few difference; she looked like she was skipping meals and losing sleep, the bags under her eyes were slowly appearing more and more, she wasn't hiding them right now, but they honestly complemented her, gave her that mysterious look that she carried with her mysterious aura.
"I don't eat when I'm anxious" I expressed truthfully, my eyes on everything but hers, as I looked at this familiar scenery, it was almost deserted, there was an old man whom was right at the middle of one of the booth's drinking his cup of coffee whilst looking at the small TV that was placed nearby which showcased the news, and it was anything but nice, just more tragedy.
I held in my dry chuckle, why would anyone care to know what goes on in the world? It's the same bullshit everyday. More people are dying, more wars are starting, more people are falling apart, and every once in a blue moon, something beautiful happens that's televised or reported on paper, but it was mostly depressing. But, perhaps it was part of getting older, you learn to stay aware with what goes on in your community as well as the whole world, but that couldn't be me. I would imagine myself 40 years from now, sitting on my porch outside watching the sunrise with someone.
I dug deeper in my mind, as I thought more about my future, where would I be a year from now? That was easy to plan out. Graduate, go to college, then find a job. But what about decades from now? Where would I be? Who would I be with? I pictured someone beside me, but not knowing who I would spend the rest of my life with scared me, but what terrified the life out of me was the need of having to grow old with someone. Forever never existed, it was a concept created by the ill human mind to decrease aching thoughts of dying alone, what's better than being buried living your last moments with loneliness? Is being buried moments before with the person you loved more than anything.
But I didn't want to find that need, because I didn't need anybody, I needed myself, I needed to find myself, and learn to love me the way I should've a long time a-
My thoughts were interrupted by Gal's hand being placed on my right cheek, she looked me with so much love it almost pained me, it's been so long since anyone, especially her, looked at me like this, it hurt me, but it felt so good to be able to feel something other than this heavy emptiness that was withholding me currently.
"What is wrong? What are you thinking about?" Her voice was low, concerned, but reassuring, it was almost as if she wanted me to know that it was okay to put my walls down and speak from the heart, and although I had a lot to say, words were an understatement to even begin to start with speaking about my feelings.
I cleared my throat, slowly placing my hand on top of Gal's whom still had hers on my cheek, she began to caress my skin, but I immediately removed her hand off, as I took one quick look around and reassured myself that there was no one keeping an out out on us.
"Don't do this" I ordered, my voice was quiet but firm. "We are out in a public space, I don't care if no one seems to be looking, it's risky, and it seems as if you've forgotten so let me refresh your memory. I am your mystery side chick, people think we're fucking."
I stopped myself from continuing on with my explicit rant once I realized just how inappropriate it sounded, so I took a deep breath, before I continued, keeping eye contact with her.
"I am not a mystery woman, I am not just some piece of meat but I feel like I am. Believe me, I don't keep up with the news. I mean just look." I stopped, pointing at the small television which was reporting a missing person's case; a woman in her late 40's whom hadn't been seen in over a week, photos of her were all over the small screen with an emergency number to call if there was any information about her as well as a $25,000 reward.
"What are you trying to tell me?" She asked, leaning closer towards me, but I pulled back, keeping to myself as much as I could.
"I don't keep up with the misery that we call this world, but once I started being seen out with you, I couldnt keep my eyes away, it seemed as though everyday someone had something else to say about me and it was all bad, I was deemed as something I'm not, Gal."
"But have you seen anything written or said about you the past few weeks?" She asked tilting her head. "I'm not so sure you did, because I've been in contact with the paparazzi and I've paid them, they won't speak or ask questions about you anymore. You're stuck in the shadows now."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing, she paid, which I'm sure, a shit ton of money, to have a group of people stop spreading names, photos, and videos about me connecting me to being involved with Gal somehow. It was despicable, considering all it took was a large amount of money to keep people on the hush, but that wouldn't stop everyone from talking, and talk often spreads rumors and that's the last thing I needed.
"How much did you pay them off?" I asked, before bitting my lip as I created my own scenarios of destruction. The 'what if's' were driving me to madness, I was worried, but for what exactly? Sure, Gal and I had... something, but it wasn't anything to for me to need to worry about, yet it was wrong, but it felt so right, even in this moment, seeing her as she took a sip of her now, cold tea, before sending me a toothless smile.
"It's really not your business, sweetheart. I've handled it, you will not have a problem."
I scoffed. None of my business? You're talking about me! My reputation, and my name being thrown around the dirt. It was frustrating, she was frustrating me but for some reason I couldn't stay mad for so long, because just seeing that beautiful, smile of hers, brought me back to the sense that I was going to be alright.
——
"It's Gal speaking. We need to talk."
I couldn't believe it, I had pinched my arm as hard as I could causing me to wince in pain, but I had gotten my answer, this was real, this was happening, and I didn't know what to do, or what to even say. A small part of me wanted to hang up the phone, and block this number, but I didn't want to run away from anything, I needed to face what was in front of me, that was the only way.
I began to roam around my room as my anxiety spiked. It often happened in moments of disparity, nervousness, and the feeling of uncertainty. It was a lot worse when I was a child, something as simple as waiting for my report card would cause me to walk or run around in circles in order to calm myself down, it was a coping mechanism back then, and it still is right now.
"Gal...?" I asked, as if I didn't already know it was her, but for some reason I needed that reassurance that the woman I had wanted all along, and was desperately still waiting for, was here, on the other end of the line. I was about to break, but I held myself together as I picked up the stress ball I had in the corner of my room and began to press on it as hard as I could, almost releasing all of my built up anger from within.
Hate to admit, but it did work, it took me out of my mind for a little bit, but I could only get away for so long, before I'm put back into my tiring thoughts that made me feel like it was shortening my lifespan. Stress wasn't good, especially when you deal with it daily, it ends up affecting your mental being as well as your physical health, perhaps maybe that's why I was so exhausted all of the time, no matter how many hours of the night I'd sleep in for.
"That's bullshit, Sarah. You're physically exhausted all of the time because you've barely eaten much recently.."
I murmured to myself as I took a long glance at myself in front of the mirror. I was losing weight at a rapid pace, I didn't look much like myself anymore, my hair was thinning, and I looked physically ill. My insecurity started to increase drastically in that moment as I picked myself apart, from my hair, down to my legs that looked like walking sticks. I didn't realize just how bad it was considering I haven't worn tight clothing lately, but as I stood with my not so baggy clothes, it was hitting me, quick.
"Yes. It's me. It's been a long time."
"You're right, so why are you back?" I asked, bluntly, as I continued to roam around my room. "Is there anything I can help you with?"
"I wanted to hear your voice. I can't stop thinking about you, Sarah. I'm trying. But it's so hard, I didn't know you and Chris became good friends but he started speaking about you, he told me about your broken phone, so I offered to buy a new one for you, and I had sent out my chauffeur over to your house to drop it off."
"Are you fucking kidding me, Gal?" I exclaimed, the anger was about to erupt. "I appreciated the kind gesture of wanting to get me a new phone, and believe me it's lovely and all, but sending someone over to my house? Did you hit the side of your head recently? Do you not realize I live with my mother whom is not only very fucking skeptical but found out about you."
I don't think Gal got the memo, she started to laugh, thinking it was all fine, but it wasn't fine, not even close; I was walking on egg shells and before I know it, eventually something is going to happen that I can't get out of. I clenched my jaw in vexation, she knew just how to get under my skin without trying, that woman was going to be the cause of my death, and somehow I didn't mind it.
"Gal... she found your written letter, she knows about us." My voice went low towards the last part of my sentence, for many reasons, the main would be, there was no "us" but it was the closest thing to describe whatever we had going on.
"You're joking Sarah?" Gal asked, her voice expressionless in that moment, which left me feeling dazed, I couldn't figure out what was going through her mind, I couldn't figure out what facial expression she had in this specific moment, but god, was I dying to know.
"Does it fucking look like I'd joke about something as reckless and serious as this?" I barked, my eyes widening as I realized just how loud my voice had become. I quickly checked the lock on my door, sighing in relief that it was already locked, but my mother could have been spying on this conversation and that left me feeling paranoid. "I don't want to converse with you about thi-"
"Meet me somewhere tomorrow, early in the morning." She ordered, her strong voice was prominent, and I couldn't deny that my body was starting to sweat, and my heartbeat was escalating, it was fucking hot when she'd order me, and how could I say no? I was whipped for her, yet I don't think she even realizes that.
"Where?"
——
That's where it lands us to right here and now, I wasn't sure of many things, but I was absolutely sure that my feelings towards her were still strong, sure, it was a little easier to deal with her absence but her presence in front of me right now was just proof that all it took was one look, one adoring laughter, and one touch to take me back.
But I felt the butterflies in my stomach vanish the minute I had thought of Gal's pregnancy. God, it made me sick knowing she was carrying a child whilst I had to pretend that I didn't have any idea. It was quite scary, how good people can hide some things. Sure, we all had secrets but some were much better at hiding them than others; I had no doubt Gal was good at keeping hers. I already knew one of them, what were the rest?
Suddenly, images of Cassie was all that I could see, her hazel eyes that would melt underneath the sun which made them more prone to turning greenish, her pearly white's and that adorable small dimple that she had. Cassie was a dreamer, but she also was a lot more realistic and rational than I had made her out to be. Originally, I had seen a crazy woman, and trust me, I still do. But this crazed woman had much more to her than the impression you may hold of her. She was soft, she was strong, she held so much wisdom, and she never held back from being blunt which I loved.
I shook these images of Cassie away, as I had tried to distance myself from my mind just for a little while; taking in a deep breath, I had gotten up from my seat, only to have Gal get right up seconds after which made me chuckle as I was mesmerized by our heigh different.
She was at least about 4 inches taller than me, I believe even more than that, and her heels weren't helping either, but I couldn't help the fact that I've always had my eyes on taller, much more older, fine women, and that's exactly who I had in front of me, she was everything I had dreamed of and more, but this dream wasn't feeling so sweet anymore.
Gal slid in a 20 dollar bill to the table we just sat in, before intertwining our fingers together as she led us out into the parking lot. My eyebrows furrowed in uncertainty as I saw Range Rover behind her Porsche, I looked at her, awaiting an answer —
"I wanted to take you to school" she confessed. "But I knew that maybe that would raise suspicion? So I called up my chauffeur, Sven, to take you there."
I was completely unfazed, this woman was unpredictable at this point, and perhaps that pulled me more towards her, was the life she lived, but what kept me close, was who she is, and that's the person I had adored from the very beginning.
"You're a bad influence on me, Ms. Gadot. But I can't quit you just yet, you're a terrible habit for me." I said, although it was partly a joke, there was a little bit of truth in it, I was about to head inside of the Range, only to be pulled back into her arms as she hugged me from behind, placing a soft loving kiss on the side of my forehead, I sunk onto her, it was a safety net, I knew in her arms, nothing could get to me, nothing could hurt me; other than her.
She had every power to break me down and hurt me, and she already did, whether if it was her intent or not, but my feelings were starting to freak me out, as they were deepening more and more, and all I could do was sit back and watch. I had no control, I was sick in the head, and I was almost okay with it.
"Sven, no speeding with Sarah in the car, understood?" Gal ordered, and although her tone was firm, it still was lightweight. Sven nodded his head, shooting Gal a respectful smile before getting into the drivers seat while I sat at the back. I childishly opened down my window, throwing funny faces at Gal while she kept blowing me kisses as Sven drove me off — the further away I was from her, the closer she was to me, she was in my heart, and I couldn't get her out, even if I ripped it the fuck out.
I was doomed.