"Let me go fillet him, Webs," Pool whined.
"I said no," Peter said.
"But these are the bastards who almost killed you!" Wade cried indignantly.
"And killed both of us," Pool added as an afterthought.
"I know, Baby Doll." Peter said. He was wedged between his two boyfriends on the roof of a three story building, lying down and peeking over the edge at the action below. "I'm angry, too, but what did we agree about killing people?"
"It's bad. Even if they deserve it," Pool muttered sullenly.
Tony's investigation had proven that the head of a local crime family had been responsible for the ambush at the construction site. He had taken umbrage at Peter, Wade and Pool having stopped his no good son robbing an ATM vestibule with his friends.
"I don't understand. It wasn't even the brat who I katanaed to the wall," Wade had said when they heard about it. The son in question was the one who had pulled the classic 'don't you know who my father is' at them during the robbery. The group of robbers had all been released on bail and had been part of the ambush. The son had died during the Avengers' takedown, as had most of the crime organisation. The head of the family was the last one to be arrested of the ones who remained alive and at large.
"He's going to be in prison for the rest of his life," Peter said with deep satisfaction. Apparently the ones who had survived the ambush had been singing like canaries and the authorities had enough evidence tying the crime family to multiple other crimes, too. They were all going away for a very long time. What was left of them, anyway.
The police emerged from the brownstone building, leading what had to be the head of the crime family between them, his hands handcuffed behind his back.
Wade stood up and Pool followed him. The head of the family raised his head and spotted them. He smiled thinly. Then Peter got up, in his spectacular new Spider-Man suit. The criminal bared his teeth and Wade and Pool pulled out their katanas, crossing two in front of Peter and pointing the other two at the mobster. The mobster read the threat loud and clear and he blanched, then followed the police quietly to the patrol car.
"What was that?" Peter asked, exasperated.
"Just a little message," Wade said brightly.
"He knows know that we know who he is and what he's done. Should he ever come after you again..." Pool said and sheathed his katanas, as the police car pulled away.
"But you don't kill anymore," Peter said.
"I would make an execution for him. Oops. Exception. Freudian slip," Wade said and giggled.
"Besides, he doesn't know that," Pool added.
They continued bickering as they went about their patrol, but it was a quiet night. Having two Deadpools and one Spider-Man at hand to foil a purse snatcher seemed a little overkill. The owner of the purse was suitably thankful, though, and even thanked Wade and Pool which made them happy enough to skip to the next disturbance. It turned out to be only some kids graffitiing a wall and they let them go with a stern warning to clean the wall or they would face consequences.
"It's dead tonight," Wade said with an odd undercurrent.
"Yeah, let's swing to our rooftop," Pool proposed with barely suppressed excitement.
"Tacos first?" Peter asked as his stomach growled.
"No need. You'll see," Wade said.
Peter looked at the two of them questioningly, but swung them to the rooftop anyway.
"Wait..." Pool said, clinging to Peter's back like a red and black limpet as they neared their roof. "I just figured it out. Your apartment used to be just around the corner."
Peter chuckled. "Yeah, that's why I would often end up here. Just your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man, guarding my own neighbourhood."
He swung them up to the rooftop and his jaw dropped. "Wow."
The rooftop was transformed. There were string lights criss crossing the space and a small round table with three chairs, and an honest to god waiter with a wheeled food trolley waiting by it. The table had candles and a few stems of pretty flowers at one side of the table and a metal rack of some sorts at the other.
"After you," Pool murmured and helped Peter to his chair. Wade and Pool took the other two chairs and almost squirmed in place with excitement. The waiter uncapped a beer, poured a small amount to a glass, and offered it them to taste as if it was an expensive wine. Peter snorted.
"B.E.A., kiss mode, please," Pool said and the mask slid aside to expose his mouth. He sipped the poured beer and nodded sagely and the waiter filled promptly their glasses, murmuring a quiet, "very good, sir."
As they clinked, the waiter got busy. He had a hot plate and prepared ingredients and he quickly fried them up, then loaded up the tacos, filling up the plates as he went. When their plates were full, he placed the rest on what Peter now realised was a taco rack on the table. The waiter then lifted a lid on his trolley and picked bowls of salsa and guacamole from a bed of ice which he placed on the table between them.
"I think we can manage from here, José," Wade said.
"Very good, sir. Please enjoy your evening. Don't mind the dishes. I will come back later to clear it all up." When he left, Wade also liberated his mouth and rubbed his hands together, looking at the laden table.
"This is ... this is amazing," Peter said, trying to wrack his brains for an anniversary he had forgotten but couldn't think of anything. "What's the occasion?"
"Eat first," Pool said, and if Peter didn't know any better he would have said he was nervous.
There were enough tacos to feed an army, or three eternally hungry superheroes after three solid hours of patrolling the city for miscreants. When they were done, even Peter was finding his supersuit a tad tight. He leaned back with a happy sigh.
"Look! Is that Captain Marvel?" Pool suddenly squealed and pointed. Peter looked but didn't see anything. "I think she landed on the street next to our building!"
Peter got up and went to the edge to look and when he turned back, Wade and Pool were each on one knee, jointly holding a small box in their hands.
"Baby boy..."
Peter gawped.
Wade opened the box and inside Peter could see the glint of a simple golden band. Peter breath whooshed out. This was really happening.
"Will you be my baby boy?" the two Wades chorused.
Peter was so overcome he couldn't answer right away. Marry his best friends? His heroes? The two men who had shown him what love and devotion and sex and tacos were all about. The ones who stood by his side every night on patrol. The mercenaries who had stopped killing, for him. The goofballs who loved his aunt as much as Peter did and Thor quite a bit more. Wade and Pool, whose humor matched his own, whose muscles filled his supersuits like a dream, and whose gunpowder and leather scent and cocooning presence was the only thing letting him sleep well at night. Wade Wilson... No wait, two Wade Wilsons. Peter felt like he was punched in the gut.
"I can't," Peter wailed and Wade and Pool almost stopped breathing. "I mean, legally! I want to, but polygamy isn't allowed! I checked!"
The two sighed a loud breath of relief. "Actually we got the court decision a few days ago. We're legally one person."
"Took them long enough," Pool added under his breath.
"You what?" Peter asked.
"Surprise! We went to court and now it's official. You're looking at the one and only Wade Winston Wilson, only in two separate bodies," Wade said happily.
"That means we can both marry you," Pool explained proudly.
"So, do you want to?"
Peter was nodding repeatedly even before Wade finished asking. "Yes, of course, yes. Yes!"
"He said yes!" Pool crowed into the phone he had plucked from god knows where as he got up to stand, Wade already beating him to the punch.
"What?" Peter asked, still looking dazed, now holding the small box in his hand, until Pool scowled at Wade and plucked it back.
"Shhh, don't think about it now," Wade said.
"Here," Pool said softly and held the ring aloft and without any instruction from Peter, Karen made the glove in his left hand retreat. Peter held his hand out and they threaded the ring in the ring finger managing somehow to hold the slim ring with two pairs of thick fingers.
Peter blinked rapidly behind his mask and muttered a soft command to Karen. When his mask slid away from his mouth he pulled Wade and Pool to him and kissed first one, then another, trying to convey all his surging emotions in the kiss. Once they began, they couldn't stop, like so often happened. It wasn't until two large gloved hands crept down and cupped his ass that Peter pulled away. "I love you both so much," he said and kissed them both tenderly.
"I can't believe we're going to be together forever," Wade exulted.
"Forever..." Peter repeated, his mind immediately going on overdrive. "My forever, not yours," Peter said. "Because you don't die. Permanently I mean. And someday I will."
"Are you seriously talking about death now?" Wade asked. "Morbid. No wonder we love you."
"Yeah, being morbid is our thing. It's even in our name," Pool added.
"It's true, though," Peter insisted. "I get to have you two forever, but one day I will be gone..."
Wade and Pool look at each other. "Well... we did think about that the other night after you fell asleep --"
"-- and that's where Shuri's offer comes in --"
"Wade, no!"
"Baby boy, yes. If some Thor forsaken bastard would manage to kill you --" Wade took deep breaths.
"-- we would hunt them down and rip their intestines out through their nostrils --"
"-- inch by inch --"
"-- and then we'd find Shuri and take that mutant blocker --"
"You know, Shuri texted me that they're working on a way to offer that the blocker to any mutant who wants to be normie again, on the down low," Wade said as an aside.
"Hush, talking about marriage and death here," Pool admonished.
"Baby Doll..." Peter's voice was thready.
"You know my life was just an unending misery before I met you, right? After Vanessa left, I tried to kill myself permanently, but it didn't stick," Wade said.
"I was thinking of new ways of trying to succeed every day since," Pool said.
"I should have died of cancer years ago and hundreds of times every year since and I would have been glad each and every one of those times."
"But then one day, I saw a gorgeous red and blue spandex spider with an amazing ass swing by and I followed him and heard him make bad puns and funny one liners at the muggers he stopped and --"
" -- and it was like -- " Wade mimed his heart exploding and swooning against Pool.
"There was a light in the darkness," Pool said solemnly.
Peter pulled both of them wordlessly and hugged them fiercely, his face buried between two muscly chests.
"Every day with you is a gift," Pool murmured. "It's more than we ever expected. And probably more than we deserved."
"You know you've saved this world at least once and half the universe, too," Peter said in a tone that said he'd made the same argument many times before, his head still hiding against their chests.
"I did the first so I could get back to you and the second to save you. Not exactly unselfish motivation there," Pool said. Two large hands were running down Peter's back lovingly.
"So if you're gone, we don't want to be here either. We'll take that blocker and become mortal again. And then we'll come find you again."
"Wade. You can't say things like that," Peter said, his heart clenching. He pulled back enough so he could see their faces. "You deserve so much more than that."
"You know you're the best parts in me," Pool said and wiggled his eyebrows, which shouldn't have been visible through his suit, expressive though it was, but which Peter could see anyway. Maybe it was just that he knew Wade and Pool so well.
"Was that a sex joke?" Peter asked.
Wade and Pool cracked up.
"We mean it, though. If you're gone, the best parts of us will be gone and just the bad parts will be left. So you better live for another 90 years, you hear."
Peter couldn't help but laugh. "Sure, because you'll still want to tap this 90 years from now." He tapped his booty lightly and the eyes of both Wade and Pool lit up. Again, Peter shouldn't have been able to tell, yet it was obvious.
"That ass is god tier, baby boy," Wade said huskily.
"I will always want to tap that," Pool added reverentially.
"And you know that you ass is not all we love about you, right?"
"We would spend the next 90 years happily even if I just got to hold your hand and kiss you occasionally."
"No, you wouldn't," Peter said.
"Yes, I would," Pool insisted.
"No, I wouldn't," Wade admitted.
"Sex or no sex, I'd rather spend one lifetime with you than spend all the ages of the world alone."
"Did you just... get all Arwen on me?" Peter asked incredulously.
"She had the right idea."
"Except that in her case her immortality separated her from Aragorn in life --"
"-- and in our case it would keep me from you in death."
"You believe in heaven, then?" Peter asked.
"I worship Thor, don't you know? I believe in Valhalla and us meeting there for good food and better fucking."
"This Christian heaven sounds so fucking boring," Wade said authoritatively.
"Yeah, I bet there's like zero fucking there."
Peter snorted. "You know, they never said that in Sunday school."
"Propaganda, that's what it is. But no matter what kind of afterlife there is, I know you'll head to the Good Place, Petey-pie."
"And you know that there's nothing and no one that can stand between me and you, not even being sent to the Bad Place," Pool added.
"So don't you worry your pretty, precious head about what happens after you die. We'll be there, one way or another. And until then, we have our super suits to keep us safe."
"And we have each other," Pool added.
"Soooo... speaking of sex... Any chance of a quickie against the wall there?" Pool said hopefully.
"No, Pool. I want our own bed. This will not be quick." Peter said and Wade and Pool swooned. Peter chuckled softly and hoisted them on his back and swung toward their condo. I'm going to be married! rang in his mind as he swung them home.
A short while later, two sets of scarred hands were busy exploring Peter's naked body -------
"What do you think you're doing?" Wade asked, looking to the side.
"What?" Peter asked fuzzily, then hands flipped him over onto his stomach and ------
"Not you, baby boy. Author-nim," Pool said, staring hard through the laptop screen.
(Not again," THE AUTHOR GROANED IN HER FREEZING COLD STUDY. What is it now?)
"Sanctity of marriage. Privacy of the wedding bed. Any of this ringing a bell?" Wade asked.
(You're not married yet! THE AUTHOR HISSED.)
"We better be, soon, or you know what's coming for you," Pool said ominously.
"Tell the voices in your head to shut up. Having sex now. Sex good, talking to voices bad," Peter said into the pillow and lifted his butt demandingly.
"Those readers have been voyeurs to our sex lives long enough. It was kinda hot at first, but now..." Wade said. "Enough!"
(THE WORD ECHOED INSIDE THE STUDY. How the hell did he do that? THE AUTHOR WHISPERED, THOROUGHLY SPOOKED.)
On the bed, Pool pointed two fingers at his own eyes and then at the laptop screen in a mute threat.
(THE AUTHOR PUSHED HER LAPTOP SHUT AND REACHED FOR THE BOTTLE OF LAPHROIG SHE COULDN'T EXPLAIN AND POURED HERSELF A STIFF DRINK. Only one chapter left, SHE MUTTERED. I can manage one more chapter.
SHE PAUSED. It is kinda sweet, though. To want to have privacy. THEN SHE SHOOK HERSELF. THEY'RE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS! THEY AREN'T REAL!)
"Keep telling yourself that," Pool muttered.
----
A/N:
That "execution" Freudian slip actually happened. My fingers typed what they wanted to see, apparently.
Image source: https://www.tfaw.com/catalog/product/view/id/530044