I wish I could know what you think when you look at me.
The next day, I had a wonderful morning.
I woke up with my nostrils jammed and throat sore. When I sat down at the table for breakfast, though, I was pleasantly surprised to know that I didn't feel any nausea.
Zach noticed it too. Usually, in the morning I just paced around in my room or the living, waiting for nausea to go away after I vomit so that I could eat breakfast. Thankfully, I never lost my appetite. Sometimes, when it ruins too much of my time, I even got ready for work, but just waited for the morning sickness to go away so that I could eat and leave.
He put down his plate of pancakes, smiling at me. "Good morning. Any nausea today?"
I shook my head, extremely relieved about this. Vomiting almost every day gives one horrible cramps, they feel like your insides are twisting and turning around to choke you.
"Tea or Coffee?", he further asked me.
"Tea.", I replied, my voice sounding unfamiliar and throaty to me.
When Zach came back with my tea and pancakes, he frowned at me. "What's with your voice?"
The way I sneezed loudly right after that, making snot fly out of my nostrils, was the answer enough for him. I breathed in deeply from my nose.
"You got cold."
"Yep.", I replied, slightly wheezing.
With concern all over his face, he approached me. I was about to wave him off when he placed his hand on my forehead, which felt very cool.
"I'm fine, it's not that bad, honestly.", I shrugged.
He shook his head. "You have a slight fever, Zara. You're not fine."
I sighed. "Okay! I'll call in sick today. Happy?"
Guilt overtook his features. "I'm sorry...you're sick because of me. Last night, we were soaked in the rain, of course, you're sick!", he made a face at himself.
"Hey, Zach, it's alright. You hear me?"
He didn't believe me though. "No, Zara. Don't you realize pregnant women aren't supposed to take medicines unless it's absolutely necessary? You'll suffer because of me now."
Yeah...I remember that. Medicines could have side-effects on the baby or perhaps even harm it, so basically I have to suck it up if I don't want to harm my baby, which I don't.
"No, I won't suffer. We still have home remedies.", I reasoned with him. Honestly, the cold wasn't that bad and Zach needed me last night. I was happy to be there. I just didn't regret it and I didn't want him to either. It was my choice to stay there with him in the rain.
Seeing him cry yesterday...it was heartbreaking. He's always so charming and there's this soothing charisma around him, you'd never guess he was hurting so badly on the inside. Besides...going to the graveyard gave me some kind of relief too.
He doesn't know it, but I'd cried whilst I held him. I had let out my feelings too and it felt liberating.
"Yeah, you're right! I'll make some Ginger Ale for you. That would help with the sore throat.", he said, finally digging into his breakfast. I nodded in agreement and followed suit. I felt as if I should be eating something else...something much more delicious, but I ignored it, knowing Zach cooks everything wonderfully.
"When do you have to leave for work?"
"Oh, I don't. I have a day off."
Done with my meal, I got up and laid down on the sofa, relaxing my stiff body. I put on my headphones and closed my eyes, the music has a calming effect on me.
After a while, Zach brought me the Ginger Ale. "Hey, Zach?"
"Yeah?"
"Um...how many weeks pregnant am I by now?" I was a little bit confused.
He motioned to sit down beside me. I raised my feet so that he could sit. He placed my feet back on his thighs. Ah...it was such a comforting position.
"It's...twelfth week, I suppose. Hey, that's why you don't feel nausea. It's supposed to go by the third month."
I snorted. "Yeah. And that should be comforting because now that I'm gonna enter my second trimester I'll be having...", I pretended to think. I ticked each thing off of my fingers raised in the air for him to see. "Oh, yeah, leg cramps, dizziness, back-ache, cramps in general, my whole body's gonna expand like a freakin' balloon.", I wasn't usually the one for sarcasm, but oh well, pregnancy, man, is exhausting.
"You forgot mood swings.", Zach mumbled hesitantly.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Guess what? You got me pregnant, now you have to deal with it!", I snapped at him, unnecessarily so, but I was feeling frustrated. I didn't want to stay at home! I wanted to work. Build my career.
Without me telling him, he started massaging my feet. "No, I'm not just gonna deal with it. I'll nurture you and our baby. I don't care if you yell at me or scream. If it means you get the frustration out of your system, then I'm all ears."
His words softened me in an instant. I didn't even understand it. One moment I was fuming, the second I was melting at him. Is this how sudden the mood swings are going to be?
Oh lord help me...
I sat up to drink the Ginger Ale. Inhabit, I first brought the glass to my nose, sniffing it. I scrunched up my face. It smelled sickly sweet, like honey, and the sharp, peppery like that of ginger. All in all, I was super excited to have a taste.
I gingerly brought it to my mouth and took a sip. Immediately, the ginger's horrible taste entered my mouth. Grimacing, I put the glass back on the table. I didn't want to drink it.
Zach stared at me as a parent would to a child, daring them to leave the dining table until they've eaten all of the vegetables. I gave him a pout. "It's horrible."
He shrugged. "So? Medicines never taste nice, but we take them anyway, don't we?", he said, bringing the glass back to me.
"Come on, bottoms up.", he said firmly. Making a face at him, I willed myself to just drink up the whole thing in one shot. I had to admit, it did feel very good when it passed my throat, but I didn't let him know that.
It's nasty taste brought a nasty expression on my face. "I hate you.", I whined and laid down again, ready to take a nap.
He kept massaging my feet until I fell asleep.
***
I woke up after a solid nap of four hours, so it was afternoon by then. There was something wet on my forehead. When I touched it, it turned out to be a cold, wet cloth. I turned my head a little to see Zach staring at me.
"I did that to get rid of your fever.", he told me, sitting right beside me.
"Oh. Thanks." I sat up, clearing my throat. I was pleasantly surprised to realize that my throat felt so much better. My nose wasn't too bad either.
"How're you feeling?"
I smiled. "Much better. I'm starving, though."
He scratched his head. "Yeah...", to my amusement, he blushed, "I forgot about that. Let's order, yeah?"
I shrugged. "Sure."
Turns out, you have to think a hell lot before you order anything for your pregnant self. This will do that to your body, that will do this to your baby, blah, blah, blah. It was so goddamn difficult to find something I like to eat and I can allowed eat.
After about half an hour of serious contemplation, we settled on Indian cuisine and I ended up ordering Curry-Rice for myself. Zach ordered something for him that I couldn't even pronounce, I just knew it was a non-vegetarian dish.
Waiting for the food to arrive, I decided to take a nice, warm bath, which left me so calm and serene Zach couldn't believe it. Only fifteen minutes ago I was grinding my teeth, clenching my fists in annoyance and when I came out of the bathroom, I happily grinned at him.
I even went as far as to kiss his cheek. Which did leave the both of us blushing, by the way, not just me.
While we sat in front of the T.V., eating our food, my mind wandered. Zach and I finally made our decision. Adoption. It felt like the right one for us, even though I knew it had to be very difficult. It seemed like the best option for us, and so we were going to go for it.
Of course, we didn't discuss the details or anything, nor did I think we would for quite some time. But knowing that I'll only get to be a mother for the next six months, I realized that every moment counts.
I wanted to have the whole experience. I wanted to do everything a pregnant woman does to bond with her child. To enjoy her pregnancy.
We'd bought a lot of books related to pregnancy and babies. While we were at it, Zach asked me if I wanted to watch a birth-tape to know what it would be like. Frozen with fear at that aspect, I'd outright denied him. I wasn't ready for that yet.
An idea clicked in my head.
I turned to Zach, an excited smile taking over my face. Gosh, I'm switching from smiling to scowling and then back to smiling a little too fast!
"So...I was wondering..."
"Yeah?"
"That we should start playing our favorite songs together at least once a day. You know, so that the baby listens to it...bonds with it."
Then suddenly, I felt vulnerable. Did I want to do that? I rushed to explain. "I mean, of course, I know it's quite early to do that. I remember that the baby can hear us after sixteen weeks, but I just wanted to, you know? It would make me feel good--"
"Zara--"
"And a pregnant woman feeling good and therefore happy would be ultimately good for the baby, right--?"
"Zara.", he said a little more loudly, but by that point, I was babbling.
"And who knows, the baby might start listening to us before it's sixteen weeks--"
"Zara! Take a breath.", he said a lot more loudly this time, completely cutting me off. Surprised at myself, I stared at him with eyes wide, then took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry.", I said promptly.
He sighed. "Hey, it's okay."
I shook my head, not feeling quite like myself. "No, it's not okay. I'm sorry. I really am--"
Why am I apologizing for this profusely?!
"Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me.", Zach cupped my cheeks, making them grow hot. He looked so handsome that being this close to him makes me somewhat nervous and I don't even understand why.
"Don't apologize, Zara. It's the hormones. I can imagine it must be hard for you, feeling different emotions so suddenly, but I'm here for you. This is a safe space. For the both of us. You wanna cry or laugh? Do it. Nobody's judging you. Just don't bottle it in, okay?"
I nodded.
He let go of me. "Now, you said you wanted to listen to our favorite songs, right? Let's do it!", he grinned.
I smiled back, still feeling odd. Feeling...oddly hungry, even though I just finished my lunch.
We collected the empty boxes of our food and stood up. "And who knows? The baby might start listening at fifteen weeks." I laughed at that.
While Zach just brought back a drink from the kitchen, I was balancing four to five packets of crisps and cookies. Of course, the crisps were whole-grain, high fiber ones. The cookies low in calories and fat.
When I sat down beside him on the carpeted floor, he muttered, "I guess you really are eating for two."
I ignored his comment.
"So, what kind of music do you listen to?"
Zach switched on the speakers as he answered me. "Well, it depends a lot on my mood but mostly rock and pop."
I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "Typical.", I teased him.
"What's your genre?", he had a challenging look in his eyes. But it was playful.
"I like to listen to Indie Folk and R&B." He opened his mouth, no doubt to tease me back, but I stopped him with a warning. "You don't wanna argue with me right now, honey." My voice was mockingly sweet. Huh, this pregnancy was bringing out a new, more sarcastic side of me.
He chuckled. "I really don't. Favorite artists/bands?"
"Beyoncé and Bon Iver. You?"
'I've always been a hardcore fan of One Direction. I was heartbroken when they went on a hiatus.", he pretended to wipe a tear away from his cheek. "I've been a fan of Imagine Dragons and Linkin Park too."
"Only bands?"
He shrugged. "I like how different people with such unique voices work together to make a wonderful song. I love the coordination and the feeling of a group effort."
I thought about his answer. "Hmm. Considering your job is also all about teamwork, it doesn't seem surprising."
He smiled. "Yes. It's wonderful how differently talented people come together to make one great result. It brings a sense of belonging as well as great satisfaction to me."
"Why Beyoncé and Bon Iver?"
The question brought nostalgia to me. I wondered how far I'm willing to share with him. "Well...Bon Iver is basically the whole reason why I ended up liking Indie Folk, you know. Bon Iver's songs are the first-ever I actually listened to. As in, understand the deep meaning hidden behind the lyrics, feel the music move you kind of...it was a wonderful experience. My sister and I had a shared love for it. She was the one to make me listen to it's songs."
I reminisced for a few moments of the years when we were all together. It was the best time. Before he could ask me about her though, I continued, "I don't have any particular reason for Beyoncé, though. I just love her music and lyrics."
We talked a bit more about music and all before Zach started playing some songs. I strictly told him not to play any rock songs, but he was too excited to listen to me. He played Imagine Dragon's 'Believer'.
"My all-time favorite.", he grinned. I facepalmed myself. I didn't like rock music at all. It was annoying, but Zach had a way of making it funny.
When the music started playing, he rushed into his room to get a badminton racquet. I laughed loudly when I understood it was meant to be his guitar.
'First things first, I'ma say all the things inside my head'
He sang in a nightmarish voice, making me laugh harder at him. He messed up his hair to look a lot more rock-band style, made up an arrogantly cool face, and pretended to play his guitar.
I shrieked with uncontrollable laughter, unable to stop.
'the way the things have been oh, ooh'
He howled in the end, his voice very high-pitched and silly. I completely lost it then, doubling over.
"Okay! Stop! I can't breathe!", I yelled at him, still guffawing at the top of my voice, my insides hurting. Finally showing some mercy to me, he stopped and lowered the volume.
But even then, I was banging my hand on the floor, gasping for breath, shaking with soundless laughter. "I can't--I can't stop!", I somehow managed to get that out. My cheeks and stomach had begun to hurt badly now.
Realizing I was having trouble breathing, he pulled me up on my feet.
"Deep breaths, Zara! Deep breaths!", he ordered me urgently.
I couldn't have comprehended for the life of me why my laughter suddenly brought the onset of tears. Seconds later, I had begun crying. I didn't know where the words were coming from, or why I was saying them so suddenly, but I just did.
"My parents don't know that I'm pregnant.", I cried, weak on my knees.
Zach held me up in his arms. 'It's okay, honey, I'm here. Breathe. We'll get through this."
I shook my head, my chin wobbling violently. "No, we won't. They'll never forgive me!', I wailed, all of my worries that I had pushed down now coming right out of me.
"They will! I'll be with you when you tell them, okay? Hey, hey, I haven't told my Dad yet either. We're in this together and we'll get through this."
I started sobbing. "They will hate me for it. Just like they hate Rehaan. Just like they hated her!"
Zach hugged me tightly. "No, honey, no one hates you. You are loved.", he shook my shoulders to get my attention.
"Everyone loves you, Zar! Everyone here. Me, Andrea, Rehaan, Scott! Who else do you need? You have a family right here. We got a family right here. You, me, and the baby!"
I stopped sobbing after a while, an occasional sob escaping my lips as shivers racked my body.
"How will I tell him?", I finally said out loud my last and greatest fear.
"Him who?"
I totally slumped against him, drained of any energy.
"Travis."
Thank you for reading💛
Why would she ever want to tell Travis about her pregnancy? Any theories?
Ever experienced such mood swings?
(Gossip Lover + Intrusive guests + Two brattiest kids ever ) At home = Not a great weekend.
Love, Zia.