☾ Ember ☾
THIS IS A VERY INTERESTING WAY TO DIE. Did I ever think I'd be dragged down to hell? No, not particularly. I thought I'd be brutally murdered, if I'm being perfectly honest. But, being pulled down to hell with disgusting smelly creatures? Not exactly at the top of my "Ways Ember Ryvergrave Will Die List''. But now it is definitely up there. Along with being burnt at the stake.
It's all very exciting.
But I can't seem to be very mad about this particular ending to my life. Seems quite fitting. Dying inside my mind. Would that mean my body would remain? Would I be a vegetable for the rest of my miserable life? I don't want Faune keeping my body alive, but knowing her, she'd try to keep me alive. Keep me comfortable. She'd take care of me. That is not a life I wish for her. I hope someone will take pity on me and kill me when she isn't looking.
I squeeze my eyes more firmly shut at the thought. I never want to be like that. I never want anyone to see me like that. It'd be too humiliating.
The sounds of the pounding feet's of the creatures gets louder. Nearing me. Finally ready to grab me.
I hear the creatures growl, I assume they're about to pounce on me, so I open my eyes a smidge.
Only to see them gone.
Everything is gone. It is no longer dark, it's bright. I'm no longer in my head. I am on the floor. I must've flown off from the blow of the attack.
Good gods, I am the most dramatic person ever. Lawrence and Kam were right. I've been lying on the gods-damn floor the entire time. I could've just opened my eyes to see everyone staring at me.
I look up to see Faune stradling my hips. She sighs in relief when I open my eyes. She jumps off me, kneeling by my side. I turn my head to my other side to see Kam kneeling as well. Horror stretches out on his beautiful features.
This really isn't a good look for him.
"Ember are you okay?" Faune asks. I know I should answer her, but my eyes are locked on Kam's. My heart slips up when I realize how intense his gaze is. I can't tell if he's going to kiss me or kill me. Neither would be appreciated.
Faune grabs my face and forces me to make her stare.
Oops, she's mad.
Probably furious that I protected Kam instead of allowing him to take the blow. She doesn't understand any of this. I can tell. She doesn't understand our relationship. She expected me to hate him—no doubt—when she got here. I thought I hated him too, but the minute my Boundment turned on Kam my instincts took over. I had to protect him. I couldn't let him die. I can't lose another person. I can't. Even if it's Kam.
But I can also tell Faune is sad I never told her. It was never about not trusting her, I'll have to tell her that soon. It was all about me. I wasn't ready to relive all the heartbreak. I wanted to forget about him and go back to work. I needed to forget everything. And telling Faune about me and Kam? Out loud? It would've made what Kam and I had . . . real. I wasn't ready for it to be real. If I admitted that, I would've broken down even more.
It was easier to pretend it wasn't real. That none of it happened.
All of it.
"Say something." Faune says, her voice taking on a furious/scared edge to it. She shakes my head a bit in emphasis.
"Ouch."
Faune narrows her eyes, I can tell she's trying her hardest not to smile. That right now she needs to be serious.
I stick out my tongue at her, her face falls and a bright smile takes over.
"You are so stupid." She teases, pushing my shoulder a bit.
"It's part of my charm." I grin. She chuckles and pushes my shoulder again before getting up. She extends a hand to me. I glance at Kam, his jaw is locked, a tic pops as he clenches his jaw further when we make eye contact.
What a big baby.
I roll my eyes. "I'm fine, Kam." I inform him as I take my sister's hand. She hauls me to my feet only to pull me in a huge hug. I sink into her embrace, breathing her in. Lemons. She smells like lemons. She smells like home. Involuntary tears well up in my eyes. I blink them back, there has been enough crying for today.
Faune is the first to pull away, clearly she doesn't care about crying.
Her face is a mask of heartbreak as she stumbles for the right words.
"Ember, I—" She stops herself and takes a deep breath. "I am so sorry, for everything. For how we left things, the way I reacted. I've been an awful sister, and I'm sorry."
I open my mouth but she stops me with a finger. She raises it to shush me. Fine, I'll let her finish. "These past two weeks have been absolute hell. Knowing that something could've happened, knowing that I hadn't owned up for my actions. The way I have been acting all these years. You and Lokas—"
I cut Faune off. "What about me and Lokas?"
Faune's eyes widen for a split second. She recovers quickly, but I saw it. The fear and worry flashed through her eyes.
"I meant how you left mad at him—"
"That is not what you meant." I cross my arms over my chest. "What did you mean, Faune?"
She opens her mouth but I raise an accusing finger to her. "I want you to think long and hard about your answer before you tell me more lies."
Faune huffs a sigh, running a shaky hand through her hair.
What is going on right now?
"Now is not the time." She says, her tone final. I blink at her, at the silent message in her eyes. Her eyes harden as my own narrow on hers.
Don't. Faune says.
What happened? My voice comes out flat, despite my racing heart and unwavering fear that weaves its way through me.
She shakes her head. Dismissal. That's all I'll get right now. And she won't elaborate further.
"Fine." I grind out, through my clenched jaw.
I glance behind me, to Kam. He's still stoic. Staring at me with such an intensity it burns. He's livid. Good gods. I grab his fingers and give them a reassuring squeeze. "I'm fine, really." I finish with a sad smile. I am fine. I'm alive. I'm here. I really want to bark at him to stop glaring at me, but I know I scared him. That's why he's glowering. I scared him multiple times tonight and he isn't coping well. I almost died three times today, and my over-dramatic "mate" is quite angry. Especially because I threw my body on top of his. To protect him from my angry Boundment. He has to realize that I had no other choice, right? My magic was going to send terrifying terrors through him, I've had my fair share of night terrors, but I'm not sure Kam has. Or if he does, he hasn't told me so.
And if my magic had killed him, I wouldn't have been able to live myself. Knowing that I was the reason he was dead? I'd break down.
He's also the High-King of Llyria, if I had killed him I would've been hanged for treason. He has to realize that. He has to.
"How did you do that?" Lawrence's voice rings out from the end of my bed. Crap. I nearly jump. Is it bad I forgot he was here? Probably, but I really couldn't care less about the Prince's feelings right now.
I glance at him, breaking off Kam and I's staring contest. His mouth is set in a tight line. I furrow my brows. "What do you mean?"
He steps forward, his gaze hard and unyielding on mine. "You were able to hurt us, with your magic."
"So?" Faune whips her head around on him.
He rolls his eyes, which has my sister crossing her arms over her chest. He jerks his head at my hand. The hand that is still holding Kam's fingers. I didn't realize I was still holding his hand.
"Her ring prevents her from hurting anyone inside the castle with her Boundment. It also prevents her from hurting herself. But, she was able to do that too. So, I'll repeat myself, because apparently I was not speaking in our native tongue. How. Did. You. Do. That."
His words boom through me, I let go of Kam's fingers to study the ring. The simple gold band that sits on my ring finger. It really is so simple, yet it prevents me from ever hurting anyone. Supposedly. If Lawrence is right, it should've prevented me from hurting them and myself, yet my Boundment attacked them so easily. It didn't even shrink away from them. Faune had to block the attack against Lawrence, but I blocked the attack against Kam. Taking the blow and absorbing the magic.
I should not have been able to do that. And yet . . .
I hold out my hand in front of me. Studying it.
This simple piece of gold holds so much power. And it was somehow obtained by the King. Made for me. I can't decide if I'm flattered he went out of his way to get this for me, or insulted that he needed to cage me in, anyway. Actually I take that back. It makes perfect sense for locking me up. I'm a dramatic assassin, why wouldn't he be taking precautions?
"Is it broken?" Faune asks, gently taking my hand and inspecting the band. I shake my head. "I don't think so."
"Try taking it off." Lawrence suggests. I try tugging it off, but it won't move. I can't take it off. Only the King and Carlisle can take it off.
"Won't budge."
"That's weird." Faune remarks.
Lawrence scowls at her. "That is the understatement of the year."
"Keep that up Prince and I'll blast you in the eyes." A saccharine smile rests on her full and plump lips. Her smile is sweet, but her words are venomous. I fight the smile that threatens to take over my own lips.
"So maybe there is a flaw in the ring," I say, gearing us back on track. "A hiccup in the magic?"
Lawrence rubs his jaw. "Perhaps, but I highly doubt that."
Faune scrunches her face together. "Why?"
He levels her a dry look. "Because I was there the day the witch enchanted the ring." He says, crossing one arm over the other. "There was no way of breaking the spell. No way around it. You shouldn't have been able to do that." He walks around the bed and towards us. Faune instantly scowls, the Prince scowls right back before turning to me. "May I?" He asks, gesturing to my hand. "Sure." Lawrence takes my hand tentatively and turns it over. Inspecting for any signs of the spell being broken—no doubt.
He sighs after a minute of analyzing it. "It seems intact."
"Oh really?" Faune says with mock surprise on her face. "Isn't that exactly what Ember said?" Lawrence mutters curse words under his breath at Faune. Which she can very well hear.
"You have a foul mouth."
A roll of his eyes. "Tell me something I don't know."
"Oh, do not fret Prince. I have a list." Faune's wicked smile is back. I am eating all of this up. It's nice to not be the one bickering for once. And gods Faune is providing excellent entertainment.
Faune and Lawrence begin to bicker. I use their arguing to look at Kam. He's been alarmingly quiet this entire discussion. Kam is sitting on the bed. His elbows propped up on his knees while he holds his head. His shoulders slump as he stares at his thighs. I pull my hand out of Lawrence's, neither Faune or him notice as they continue to yell at each other.
I sit down beside Kam. He doesn't even glance up at me. As if not sensing my presence at all. My nerves are standing up straight.
"Kam?" He doesn't say anything. His fingers work their way through his hair. The midnight locks fall into his face as he works his fingers through. He slightly pulls on his roots. My heart kicks up.
"Kam." I repeat.
Nothing.
I place a hand on his back. Being as gentle as possible. Her jerks away at the contact. Bolting upright and off the bed. I gawk at him. What's wrong? I'm really starting to freak out.
Realization hits me. Why hadn't I thought about this before. "Did my Boundment get you?" My voice is gentle but firm. I'm surprised it comes out as calm as it does. Lawrence and Faune stop arguing when they hear the question. I don't look at them, I keep my eyes trained on him. Kam.
His gold eyes are wide as he stares at me.
He doesn't say a word. He just stares. He's really starting to scare me.
I stand up slowly and take a step towards him.
"Kam, did I hurt you?" I feel small, I don't know why. But I do. I feel like a child getting reprimanded for doing something wrong.
"What?" He asks, his tone incredulous.
I take one more step towards him. Taking a deep breath. It was bad enough saying it the first time. Realizing I still could've hurt him. That I was capable to do that to him—
"Did I hurt you." I repeat, louder this time.
His jaw locks. "No." He grinds out. My chest sinks with relief. Thank the gods I didn't. If it had hit him with the night terrors—
"What is wrong with you?" He demands.
Huh? Pardon me?
"What?"
"Why did you do that?" He growls.
Oh . . . Oh. That's what this is about. How I protected him instead of protecting myself. I sigh, very tiredly. Because I am very tired, it's probably almost three in the morning. I exerted myself and took a mental terror. I am exhausted, all I want to do is sleep.
I'm not sure I'd be able to, though. I fear I'll go back to that place. That awful place . . . where I felt so many things.
Things I had never once voiced outside before.
Things I never want to experience again.
"I couldn't let it hurt you, it was my magic. I wasn't going to let it kill you." I tell him, my voice soft and gentle. I'm not in the mood to get into a pissing match about who was right and who was wrong. I already know he thinks it was wrong of me to let it hit me instead of him, but I really don't care. Let him be pissy, but just not right now. Not when I feel like I'll collapse.
"You don't get to decide that, Ember. That is my choice not yours—"
"It's my choice when it's my magic hurtling at you. It was my fault, and I faced the consequences."
Kam scowls at me. I don't recoil at it. I take another step towards it.
"I'm fine. I'm okay." I soothe, reaching for his hand. He stares at me through narrowed eyes. He doesn't jerk away from my touch, he lets me squeeze his fingers again. "Really, I'm all right. Promise."
He eyes me, warily. Deciding whether or not I'm telling the truth.
He comes to a conclusion. He doesn't believe me. Typical.
He tugs me closer to him, grasping my hand firmly, but not harshly. With his free hand he tilts my chin up to him. His eyes rove over every little crevice on my face. My cheeks heat as his gaze lingers on my lips.
His free arm wraps around my waist and he presses me against him, my heart kicks up. My breath snags in my chest. I avert my eyes from his, he clearly doesn't take for that because he uses his index finger to guide my eyes back to him. His face is no longer guarded. His walls are down. I know how hard this is for him. To be vulnerable with me. To let me see how scared and pained he is right now. Raw emotion lingers in his pupils. It breaks my heart.
Kam is the strongest person I have ever met. He doesn't allow people to care for him. He thinks he deserves to be unhappy and alone if it means the ones he loves are safe. It was one of the reasons for the breakup. He never let me in. He pushed me away. He got scared and pushed me away and broke me in the process. Kam isn't pushing me away now, though. He's trying to fix things, even though I won't let him, I can admire how hard this is for him. To be vulnerable. To allow himself to love someone.
My eyes well up with emotion. Emotion I hate.
Kam sees it. He cracks in half. He lets go of my jaw and wraps his free arm around me, he buries his head in my neck. He takes deep shuddering breaths. My arms wrap around his back. I don't push him away. I embrace him, tightly. Hugs will forever be my undoing. They will always get past my defenses, no matter how hard I try to keep them up and away. But hugs? They're my weakness. The one thing I long for most in the world.
I feel a dampness on my shoulder. Sobs rake through me.
Kam is crying.
He's crying.
It breaks me into a million pieces.
I cling to him, digging my nails into his back. I can't and won't let go.
We'll give you some space. Faune says in my head. No judgement sits in her tone. I know how this looks. Crying and hugging with my ex, while I'm with someone else? It looks bad. But everything that has happened today has me putting aside who I am and who I'm supposed to be. Right now, I'm just a girl needing a hug. A hug from a man who needs one just as much.
Thank you. I choke out through my mind.
I hear Faune dragging Lawrence out of the room. The minute they leave I can vaguely hear the bickering resuming. I don't put much thought to it though, not as I sob into Kam. And as he does the same. His are just tears and shuddering breaths, but sorrowful wails leave me instead.
I finally let everything out. Let out how I'm feeling. How weak I feel. How I wanted to kill myself and almost exceeded in.
I almost took my own life today, because of how sad and worthless I felt. But it wasn't just because of today. These thoughts have been building for years and years on end. I've never wanted to live. Never. But I had to for Faune. I had to fight my entire life, I don't want to fight anymore. I hate that no one has ever seen me. Lokas never saw me. My friends never saw me. I've always been invisible. I've never wanted to be, but somehow I am.
Is it so much to wish for a happy life?
That's all I've ever wanted, more than anything.
To be seen.
To be heard.
To be loved.
To hear it.
To be told I am loved.
I haven't heard those words in a very long time.
I hold onto Kam like he's the only stable thing in the world. I bury my face against his shoulder. Breathing in the smell of him.
Being close to him sends another wave of anguish through me. All that could have been if I hadn't told him I loved him. If I had kept my mouth shut. I had never felt so dead inside until that day. We met up at our favourite pastry shop, eating our fill of vanilla and chocolate donuts. We walked to our bridge, I kissed him and professed my love for him. I threw my heart out to him, left myself so vulnerable. And he had stood there, staring at me. He never said it back. He just stood there. Like a statue. He looked mortified. Embarrassed.
Kam was another person to not want me.
A person stuck with me, and that didn't choose me.
I begin to hyperventilate thinking about our past. Everything I lost.
Landon. Being in love. Being carefree. Him.
I lost him.
My knees tremble, Kam holds me up. Not letting me fall.
"It's okay," he whispers into my shoulder. "You're all right."
I shake my head. "N-No, I'm not."
He kisses my shoulder and pulls his head back. He sucks in a breath when he sees my face. The sorrow on my features. I raise a shaky finger and press it into his chest. "I-I los-lost you once, K-Kam." I say as tears continue down my face. "I couldn't physically lose you, even though I have lost you." My sobs rake through me. I press my hands into my face and cry harder.
Kam gently pries my hands away from my face. He doesn't hide the silent tears that fall down his own cheeks. "I lost you once, Ember." He says to me, repeating my words. "I can't lose you, physically and mentally. Watching your power take you. Take you from me—" His voice cracks. He clears his throat and continues. "I am so sorry, that I hurt you. I am so sorry I have never been good enough and I'm most sorry that you are stuck with me. I know you're with someone else, I know you have moved on. That you're happy—" His voice cracks again. "Even if it's not with me."
He takes a deep breath. "I don't expect you to want to be with me. After everything, but I can't physically leave you. I can't live in a world where I don't hear your laugh, or see your smile. Or when you are yelling at me." His hands cup my cheeks, he wipes away my tears. "I just need you, Ember. Even if it's not romantic. I need to be your friend. Will you let me be that? Let me be your friend again?"
I weep.
What else am I supposed to do after that? After all he said?
He's offering me companionship. He's not asking me to be his mate, he's asking to be my friend. He's not forcing me to be with him. I never thought he would but it makes me feel better knowing he's not forcing me.
My heart cracks into a million tiny pieces. The pieces Royal had begun to pick up, piece by piece and glue back together.
I take a shuddering breath, forcing air in and out of my lungs.
"I-I can try." I tell him. Because I can. Living in a world without him in it was awful. It's easier having him near and seeing him rather than never seeing him again.
More tears well up in Kam's eyes. He blinks them back and nods his head. He brings me in for another hug. Embracing me tightly before pulling away and stepping back. He wipes his eyes and nose and gives me a sad smile.
"You should probably shower."
My tears stop. "Are you suggesting I smell?"
He barks a laugh. "You have blood in your hair."
I narrow my eyes, "You didn't answer my question."
That sinful smirk kicks up on his lips. "Always dramatic."
I smile with him, "Always annoying."
He stares at me with affection in his eyes. A look I haven't seen in a very long time. He stares at me for a beat too long, he clears his throat. Suddenly all awkward. He rubs the nape of his neck, sheepishly. "I'll leave you, then."
I gaze at him. Feeling suddenly worse than before. Friends? How am I going to be able to do that? How will I be able to put aside all my resentment and move on? I don't think I can, but I'll have to.
If it means keeping Kam in my life? So be it.
I give him a terse nod. He stares at me, piercing gold eyes meet my cold ones. Eyes that scare others. Eyes that send others running for the hills. But, he stares at me as if he is mesmerized. Like watching a shooting star race across the sky. When your face sparks up with adoration at the rarity of it. The beauty of it. That is how Kam stares at me. He stares like he isn't scared of me. That he doesn't fear me.
That he adores me.
I lock my knees in place so I don't crumple to the floor because I'm one look away from doing just that.
Kam shakes his head, finally leaving his stupor and returning to society. He gives me a smile and tells me to shower quickly, because we all have a lot to discuss. I tell him "okay." and he leaves. Leaves me alone. Closes the door and takes off to the living room. I can't help but feel like this is final between us. That him closing that door is it for us. Although he wants friendship I highly doubt that will happen. That the history between us will be too overwhelming and we'll give up and stop trying.
Stop trying to make things work.
The tears start again and I curse myself for them.
I shake my head and stroll into the bathroom, grabbing some new clothes to wear before entering and a fresh towel.
I strip quickly and step into the scalding water. Needing the heat; the burn to feel something else. Something other than the shit storm that is my own mind. My gods-awful mind.
My stupid stupid stupid mind.
I lather my hair in a flowery shampoo and scrub all the blood out of my hair. I comb it through until I'm sure I've got all the crusted bits.
I rinse and clean myself and put some conditioner in my hair. I spend a few more minutes in the shower rinsing out the conditioner and relishing in the warmth against my skin. Feeling warm for the first time in a while.
When I step out and wrap myself in my towel I feel a knock against my shields. A gentle yet, timid knock.
My heart kicks up at it.
I let him in.
He takes a deep shuddering breath as I let him through my gates.
Royal. I whisper.
Ember. He whispers back. He takes a deep breath. Are you okay?
I'm quiet. I don't feel like lying, but I also don't feel like telling the truth.
I sigh, I'm alive. I tell him. I walk over to the counter where I put my clothes and begin to put my underwear on. I don't know how it happened. I say to him. None of that should've happened. None of this should be happening. Faune shouldn't be here. You shouldn't be looking for me, you should be on a boat back to Marelli. And I shouldn't be here. I should be dead. Once the words leave I can't take them back.
Ember . . . What happened? He asks quietly. What did you try and do?
I was thinking all these awful things. Feeling useless and weak. Feeling unwanted and unloved. Feeling broken. Luan told me that I entered my power, I didn't mean to, but I did. And it tried to kill me. For some reason I can't stop the words, but I don't regret them. I feel safe talking to Royal. I trust him. It feels so easy and safe talking to him.
You are not unwanted or unloved, Ember. All of us are trying to get you back. You have a whole army fighting for you. He informs me. I'm fighting for you. I want you. I want you, Ember. The tears start up again. I don't bother putting on the rest of my clothes as I slide down the wall and slump on the floor. Sitting in only my blue underwear and bra. Which aren't ugly, I don't even want to know how the King found out my bra size and bought them—
I'm so tired, Royal. I tell him, my voice breaking and wobbling the entire time. I'm so tired of fighting. I just want to go home. I want to be with you. I miss you so much. I don't hide my sob at the end.
He sends me an image of him hugging me, kissing my head, my forehead, my cheek. I choke on the cry billowing through me right now.
I know, Em. I know. But I need you to hold on for a little while longer, can you do that?
I don't know—
For me? Please? I need you to hold on, Em.
His "please" gets to me, the raw emotion behind it has me pausing. Thinking everything over. Debating whether or not I can do this or not.
I am so tired. I don't know how much longer I can hold on for. I feel like I'll collapse at any minute. I feel like some porcelain doll. I feel fragile. I've never felt like this. I feel like a child again.
But I don't want to feel like this. I want things to go back to normal.
I want to be with Royal. I need to be with him.
I end up nodding my head. Okay.
Good. I'm coming, Ember. I am coming to get you, please don't stop fighting. Don't give up on me. Please don't give up on me.
Never. I send an image of me squeezing his hand through the Calling.
He shudders. Take deep breaths, breathe, Ember. You'll get through this. We'll get through this. Okay?
Okay.
Royal's quiet for a while, he doesn't close the Calling but he doesn't continue talking to me. I finish getting changed. Pulling myself together and pasting back on the Ember Ryvergrave mask and leaving the bathroom and heading straight for the living room. As I enter I hear Royal. He says one sentence. One sentence that makes me ease.
I miss you, too.