"Hey, you know a chunk of your hair is all stuck together..?"
Connie moved to touch it, and I seized his wrist in a flash, trying to will away the heat in my cheeks.
"I got food in it. Yeah. Gonna go take a shower..." I lied, releasing him once I was sure he wouldn't try to reach for it again.
I had left Jean sleeping in his room, after an hour long struggle of trying to escape his embrace. It was cruel leaving without a word, I knew that, but it was already late in the morning, and I just knew it was going to be awkward if he woke up.
"Anyway, like I was saying. Sash was so mad at me for forgetting her last night. I have to share my rations with her for a whole week now to make up for it." Connie complained, strolling along beside me as I headed back to the women's living quarters.
"I told you not to forget about her. Man, everyone was so distracted last night..."
Me especially...
Things were quiet around the barracks, which was strange for nine in the morning. People must have really kept the party going to sleep in so late.
"So, you and Jean, huh?" Connie's teasing jab caused my shoulders to stiffen, but I kept walking.
"You're so lucky I don't have my blades on me, man."
Chuckling, he nudged me in the side with his elbow.
"Oh, come on. Don't tell me you two didn't share a couple of smooches before you tucked him in." The heat was back, this time in full force, and I sped up a little.
"He puked his guts up. Why the hell would I want to taste that?"
I wasn't going to openly admit to him what had happened between me and Jean. Not yet, at least. I was still reeling from the experience myself. Anyone else's advice on the matter would just confuse me more. Jean felt right, in more than one sense, but I couldn't help but doubt that feeling.
Finally fleeing from my friend, I got myself cleaned and dressed, having one hell of a time trying to wash out the crusty, matted mess in my hair. After that, I went about with my duties for the day, specifically avoiding both Jean and Levi.
A few hours was more than enough with Hange, helping her oversee the supplies being loaded up. Moblit and I bonded a lot during that short time, barely speaking, but having deep conversations with our eyes as the brunette bounced from place to place, gushing about the new thunder spears she had commissioned.
After lunch, I went to check on the horses, and to make certain we had enough of them for our large scale venture. It was more of an excuse to just chill out for a little while before jetting off to my next task, which was servicing my gear. Marco had taught me well, but it still took me longer than I had liked to put it all back together properly.
Finally, I found myself in Erwin's office, exhausted after trying to keep my mind off of reality all day. I laid stomach down across his desk, and he used my back to stack his paperwork.
"You might miss dinner if you don't get a move on." He pointed out, placing another sheet on his pile.
"If I eat I'll puke. Besides, I wanna spend a bit more time with you before we leave..." Sighing, I tried to keep my breath shallow so his work wouldn't slip off.
"We don't leave until sundown. There's still an entire day." He replied, though he sounded kind of happy.
"I know, but you'll be too busy..."
Erwin's hand came down upon my head, ruffling my hair fondly.
"You're welcome to keep me company, but if you'd like, you may also accompany me tomorrow during final preperations." I responded with a nod, rolling off the desk when I felt him lift his papers from my body.
"I'd like that. Most of the other captains don't seem to like me all that much..." It made sense, really. I was just a snot nosed brat compared to them, and I hadn't even bothered to remember their names.
"Are you sure you aren't just trying to avoid Levi?"
My tongue poked out in his direction, and I floated over to the wall, glancing at all of the framed documents.
"That's only part of it. Honestly, there are a few people I'm trying to avoid. Can't even leave the barracks on my own cuz I might run into Linnea and Felicitas..."
Humming in understanding, Erwin leant back in his seat, finally deciding to take a bit of a break.
"I get that." He said, nodding to my new uniform, which matched everyone else's. "It suits you, but I think I prefer the black more. I can spot you easier." Pouting, I stomped my foot against the ground, but it wasn't serious.
"You calling me short, Winnie?!" The commander laughed, smiling at me in a way I never saw him do in front of others.
"Well, you are my little girl, after all."
Instantly, I softened. I'd never been called that before. Neither my mother or my fake father had ever said anything kind to me, period. It kind of made me regress in age.
"Wh..why the hell couldn't you have shared some of your tall genes, huh? I got the short end of the stick. Literally..."
Erwin stood up, but remained behind his desk, leaning to rummage through one of his drawers.
"Actually, I have something for you. Come here." Curious, I wandered over, trying to lean over to see what he was grabbing.
"What is it?"
Kinda want that gun he pointed at me.
Straightening up, his hand was closed around something, but I couldn't see what it was.
"I've noticed you like collecting things from people. You wear your late fiance's hair-tie, a bracelet from your late friend from the cadets, and now that horse charm. I spotted you tying it to the inside of your jacket."
He was right. I liked having the people I held dear close to me at all times, alive or not. It made me feel safer. Steadier.
"Uh, yeah...I guess it's a habit..." I murmured in reply, gently touching the woven bracelet around my wrist. Motioning for me to step closer, Erwin waited until I was directly in front of him before reaching out and sliding something around my neck.
"I received this when I first became the commander. Recently, I requested a replacement, because I wanted to gift you something of meaning to me. In terms of possessions, I don't own much, but this felt special. Personal." He explained, adjusting whatever it was before allowing me to investigate.
Peering down, chin squishing, my fingers traced the curve of the familiar, emerald bolo tie.
"W..wait...aren't these only allowed to be worn by commanders..?" I questioned, my eyes staring back at me in the reflective surface.
"If anyone has any problem with it, they can take it up with me, personally. The moment it was handed to me it became mine. Now, I want my daughter to have it."
Something was welling up within my chest as he spoke, and I slowly looked up at him. Ever since he had revealed that he was my biological father, I had been in an internal battle with myself. Part of me, which grew increasingly smaller, had wanted to hate him for abandoning me. But, had he?
Sure, he hadn't been there for all of my childhood that had occurred within the walls, but he had tried, given the circumstances. My small stash of happy thoughts in the back of my mind included him, greeting me with a smile, ruffling my hair, sitting me atop his white horse and treating me like a princess whenever he spent any time with me.
"Thank you...Winnie..." I still couldn't say it. "I'll treasure it." He welcomed my hug with an open arm, body curling over me. This was what was important. He was trying now. I could see that. So, why couldn't I say it?
"It's okay if you can never call me as that. I understand. I lost that right nearly nineteen years ago."
He sounded a little lamentful, but his smile was soft and gentle, and I hugged him tighter.
"Maybe one day...It's still all a bit strange..." I admitted, flinching as a knock sounded at the door. Erwin released me, giving my head another quick pat before clearing his throat.
"You may enter."
In stepped Levi, his eyes halting on me for a short moment before flickering over to the commander.
"I'd like to discuss something with you, Commander. In private." That last part had obviously been directed towards me, but I didn't mind in the slightest. Actually, I was kind of relieved that I had been given a chance to run away like the emotional coward I was.
"Very well, Levi. (Y/N), try and eat something before bed, for your own sake. You need your strength." Sighing, I tried my best to straighten up, placing my fist over my heart and my other hand behind my back.
"Don't wanna puke, but I'll try, Sir!"
I can get the hang of this...
"Your hand is upside down." Levi moved to stand next to me, and I deflated, my arms flopping to my sides.
"Well, shit. I tried." Glancing over at him, his sharp blue eyes made my guts twist in a way I was sadly familiar with. Averting quickly, I shot some poorly executed finger guns at the pair of men, spinning on my heel and marching towards the door. "Anywho! I'm gonna go beat up a newbie for a bread roll! Later!"
Once I left, I didn't go anywhere near the mess hall, instead opting to sit alone on the stack of crates I had unofficially claimed as my own. Sleep wasn't going to come easy, no matter how tired I felt. I could understand the words Levi had spoken to me back in the cottage. Having something to live for was terrifying. The thought of dying, and releasing it to the wind, made me feel sick to my stomach.
I don't like this...I kind of miss having nothing...It was easier...
"You lied." I glanced up as Levi emerged from the nearby shadows, stopping beside my crate perch. "I don't see a bloodied recruit or a bread roll anywhere." Sighing, I pulled my knees up to my chest, rocking back a little.
"You missed it. The poor bastard was crying like a little bitch under my boot. You would've been proud."
Scoffing, Levi leaned against the wood, staring off into the quiet nothing that the courtyard had become.
"He refuses to stay behind." He eventually revealed, sounding mildly concerned. "Even after I threatened to break his legs." Nodding, I followed his gaze, chin atop my knees.
"Yeah, he wouldn't listen to me, either. I can't tell if it's pride or dedication at this point."
Surprisingly, I didn't feel weird speaking to him in that moment. Perhaps it was because he was facing away from me, or maybe it was due to the fact that I had other things on my mind.
"It's stupidity, if you ask me..." He ravonet muttered, bitter worry in his voice.
"Guess that's where I get it from..." My chuckle was dry. I didn't have the energy to mess around. I had to prepare myself. It wasn't certain Reiner would be there, but if he was, I was going to have to be in the right headspace. If I wasn't, I could make a dire mistake.
"You never returned after leaving with Jean last night." Levi commented, still facing away from me. Shifting uncomfortably, I stated into the back of his head.
"I went to bed. Tired after dragging his ass home. You did a real number on him." I wasn't exactly lying. I had gone to bed, just not my own, and not to sleep.
"Seems you did, too. I saw you leaving the men's building this morning." His reveal made me tense all over, and when he looked over his shoulder at me, I felt horrible. "I'm glad. He's good for you."
This is why it's so hard...
Hearing him say that shouldn't have hurt so much, yet it was like a slice to the chest. It wasn't like I wanted Jean and Levi to fight over me. That was the last thing I wanted. I just wanted to know the truth, and after the things he had said to me, I knew that that wasn't it.
"Is that really how you feel, Levi..?" I asked in a quiet voice, climbing down to one of the lower crates so my chin was only just higher than the crown of his head.
"When I think about it logically, yes, I do believe he's good for you." He was trying to dodge my question, so I stretched my leg out a little and tapped him with my boot.
"Drop the logic for a minute and answer that again, please." I didn't react when he took hold of my ankle, free hand brushing the slight traces of dirt from where my boot had made contact. Turning to face me side on, he exhaled, eyes closed.
"Try and view things from a different perspective. If the person you loved had a chance at being happy, with someone else, would you be selfish?"
Selfish..?
I understood what he was getting at, but at the same time, I didn't.
"Do...you not think I could be happy with you..?" He released me, brushing his hand off on his jacket.
"It seems I'm the only one trying to think realistically here. I can't give you the life you need. I would be a shitty, barely there husband, I don't like children, I'm hardly what one would call affectionate-"
"Why do you think any of that matters?" I cut in, almost a little too quickly.
"Why are you trying so hard to convince me?" He retorted, shutting me up in an instant. "This should be making things easier for you, yet here you are, arguing with me. I don't understand you."
I don't understand myself.
I didn't want to let go of Levi. Not yet, if ever. Our conversation was only confusing me more. It was like I was stuck in a tug of war between thetwo men, who weren't intentionally doing it. Carefully, I climbed down from my perch, leaning against the crates by Levi's side, staring at the ground.
"Can this just...wait? Until after the expedition..? There's so much I want to say, but...my head is too caught up in what's coming..." I requested in a murmur, feeling the warmth of Levi's sigh as it washed over the side of my face from a distance.
"Yeah, alright. You need to get some sleep, anyway. I'll walk you back to your building." My skin tingled as his hand met my lower back, even through the clothes, coaxing me into a walk. He did know how to be gentle and affectionate, in his own ways. His actions showed it all the time, even if he never saw it himself.
"Oh, uh, (Y/N). Hey." My jaw clenched when I heard that voice, and I turned to see Jean approaching us from the direction of the mess hall. "Captain Levi, Sir. Sorry to interrupt..." Levi's hand dropped from my back, returning to his side, and I felt cold.
"Jean. You aren't interrupting anything. Do me a favour and drag this brat back to her room. She needs to sleep."
Without so much as another glance in my direction, Levi walked off, though I noticed his hand, the one that had guided me, clench tight as he disappeared into the darkness of the barracks. Jean cleared his throat and gained my attention, shuffling his feet awkwardly.
"I...haven't seen you all day. You've been busy, I guess?" I hated it. He sounded so kind, and understanding. What had I done to these men? Why did it have to be me?
"Took some workload off of Moblit, and did some rounds for Erwin while he finished up paperwork stuff." I explained, chewing on the inside of my cheek. "I'm, uh, sorry for running off. I just...had work to do, and I, um...Confusion, y'know..?"
Rubbing the back of his hair, Jean's small smile was kind of wonky as he nodded along.
"No, I get it...Really. I just wanted to, uh, check in on you, and...I'm sorry if I interrupted you two..." Waving him off a lot quicker than I should have, I kept my eyes on his brows instead of making direct eye contact.
"Don't worry about it. It wasn't anything important..." Trailing off, I faked a stretch, my yawn not all that convincing. "Well, I better hit the hay. Busy day tomorrow. You should do the same. No need to walk me back, Jean-Boy."
His lips twitched downward, and I was disgusted with myself. I hated my whole push and pull attitude towards him, but I couldn't stop it.
"If you're sure...but, I was hoping that maybe we could at least have breakfast together tomorrow..? Before things get too full on..."
There was no way I could refuse. He was being more respectful than I thought he would have been. He hadn't mentioned our intimacy, and he was giving me space. It made me feel so much worse.
"Sure, I'll make sure to save you a seat." My smile was small as I reached out and patted his arm, lingering for only a moment before pulling away, setting off towards bed.
This shouldn't be what's on my mind right now...There are more important things I need to concentrate on...but I did this to myself...
.
.
.
.
.
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***Yeah, it wasn't food, guys.
I saw leaks for the upcoming chapter and I pray to god they're false. If they aren't, I'm joining my husband Eld.
I tried to google stuff about Erwin's bolo tie, but it was mostly Ervi ship art.
Also, at some stage I'll be going back through and editing Hange's pronouns. I was unaware that they were nonbinary and I want to fix my mistakes.
Next Time: Onward, Heroes***