"But we both know the way it's gonna go. In the same way, maybe i'm not all that you thought. And we don't move like we used to do. In the same way, maybe you're not such a hot rod."
TWO WEEKS UNTIL FULL MOON
Professors always take so long to get to the point. I'm seated next to Iris, my hands drumming lightly on the table as Slughorn drones on.
We are starting a new project and I should be listening but I understand directions better if I read them anyways.
My mind feels like its a million miles away. In fact, my whole body does.
All these people around me, but its as if none of them can tell I'm here.
Or that I have this huge, life changing secret. I'm a real life monster seated amongst them, they should be terrified but they can't be. They don't know.
No one can ever know.
Ravenclaw shares this class with Gryffindor and thankfully it's the only one. I couldn't handle being surrounded by such arrogant toe-rags for more than my required hour.
"Isn't that right, Ms. Evans?" Slughorn asks.
I look around dazed, every ones eyes are on me. Subconsciously, I sink down into my seat.
"Uhh yes, exactly right. Brilliant, Sir!" I answer with a forced smile. A few chuckles are heard from the Gryffindor side but the Ravenclaw's don't seem so amused.
He sighs dramatically and throws his arms up in the air, "This is exactly what I mean folks," he motions his arm towards me, "you lot are terrible at paying attention!"
I feel my cheeks heat up, refusing to let anyone see my blush I look at the desk. A few girls snicker at the very front of the class, they're Lilys mates.
"My solution is—" the druken old man begins to circle the class, "—to assign new partners for this assignment and see how it goes."
The whole class groans collectively, what are we first years? He proceeds to tell us he will be mixing houses for this project and sends glares to the back of the class where the Marauders are seated when they (mainly Black and Potter) protest.
Why would they allow all four in the same classroom?
Slughorn lets us correct our homework from the previous night with our current partners while try's to find suitable new ones.
"This is fucking shit," I huff quietly to Iris.
"Tell me about it, with my luck ill be paired with that creep McLaggen." She snorts.
I chuckle and take her paper to copy her work. Since the night I was been bitten, I haven't gotten much work of my own done. Iris says it's because i've been either too high or hungover to do it.
"Black really is a fit fellow, huh?" She whispers a few minutes later. I raise my eyes and see her studying Sirius with James, whispering and pointing to Lily and her friend.
Sirius Black is definitely the most gorgeous boy to walk these school grounds, but his arrogance ruins it all.
Even when we were younger and his best friend had started pining for my cousin, we never really got along.
He thinks he walks on water because no matter how poorly he treats a girl or acts there's always another ready for him.
Too popular and charming to stay in trouble, and strong enough to flee from a troubling home.
The problem isn't that he doesn't realize what he's doing. It's that he does know and it likes it.
Sirius is a beautiful tragedy.
"Suppose he's alright" I tell her. My mum taught me to always downplay things, it makes you seem less interested and more important.
"Alright?!" she exclaims, a few people turn to us but turn away when she glares daggers.
"Well, who do you think is a fit fellow then?" She inquires.
I honestly don't have many romantic thoughts, I'm always too busy with myself. From the few guys I have dated I learned one thing, I hate relationships.
The word has so much pressure behind it. I don't do well with pressure.
Despite all my obvious commitment issues, ever since I've known Amos I thought we would end up together at some point.
With our seamless conversations and jokes about a relationship it seemed inevitable.
Then, this summer in a letter, Iris made it very clear she's in love with him. I never knew what I felt for him. Whatever it is, it isn't as strong as her feelings so I backed off.
"No one, honestly—" I leave out my guilty thoughts, "—and anyways I thought you liked Diggy," I add.
She leans in close to make her point seem more dramatic. I roll my eyes but lean in as well.
"No, I love Amos, but he doesn't feel the same yet." She tuts the 'T'.
"I'm playing the long game. Always play the long game Delia," she tells me.
I nod vigorously and widen my eyes sarcastically as if she's just unveiled life changing information.
Ten minutes later, the Professor gives us our partners. I only half listen when Iris gets up to sit next to McKinnon.
"Remus Lupin and Cordelia Evans!"
Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me.
Something about him seeing me freak out in the halls turns me off from wanting anything to do with him.
He awkwardly shuffles around a few desks to take his seat by me.
We sit in an uncomfortable silence while the rest of the class buzzes with conversation.
I force myself to think of other things (like how many times I can bounce my leg per minute) instead of the quiet.
When that doesn't work, I try and eavesdrop on people next to us for instructions, I have fucking no clue what we are doing.
"Haven't seen you at any parties in a while,"
He breaks the silence.
"Haven't felt like going to any in a while," I put my chin in my hand and keep my eyes forward.
I think about how he used to be my friend. How all of them used to be. After I stopped talking with Lily, my conversations with the Marauders became few and far between.
They're always awkward now that we're older.
I think it's because we understand the reason we stopped being friends is because they preferred her. I'm not bothered though, we were 13.
"I'll go get the ingredients, while you begin to boil the water. We're brewing draught of peace by the way," he says as he gets up.
"I know" I lie bitterly, but he's already walking away so it's pointless.
After a few minutes of me failing to find the correct page while Remus horses around with Pettigrew, he comes back.
I'm annoyed he assumes i'm fine with waiting on him.
"Are you okay?" he asks as he sits, "last time I saw you, you-er"
"Yeah, fine thanks" I cut him off.
He nods and automatically flips to the right page in the textbook. I internally scoff but try and peer over his shoulder to check what the number is.
Remus notices and smiles to himself as he reaches across me to grab my book and turns it to page 444.
"Stir clock wise until potion turns blue" he reads from the book. Setting it down he grabs a wooden spoon and hands it to me.
I put my hand out to take it, immediately noticing his lingering gaze on my palm thats littered with crescent shaped red marks.
I snatch the spoon and focus intently on my task. I feel terribly embarrassed, like he's aware of how weak I am. Being perceived as weak or pitiful makes my blood boil.
Then, he opens both his hands and shows me he has matching tiny marks albeit his are clearly older.
My eyes trace up his arms looking at all the scars the rolled up sleeves of his robes will allow me too. Our eyes lock, and I glance at the 3 scars that run down his face.
They make him more attractive.
He lightly blushes and looks down like he's ashamed. I don't know him well anymore, but I do know, I never want him to feel like that again.
"I was having a panic attack or something when you saw me," He looks back up towards me, "it's not a big deal or anything they happen often," I mutter quietly.
He doesn't talk for a minute and just as quickly as I opened up, I regret it.
"I remember. From when we were kids,"
I bite back a smile at the fact that he remembers anything about me at all. I was always closest with him of all the boys but can't recall many memories.
It all seems so long ago.
"What's next?" I inquire, in a more enthusiastic tone as I try to read the book.
His soft smile turns into a lopsided grin that makes me momentarily forget where I am.
"I thought you knew what we were doing?" He teases.
Shit. How could he hear that?
A small smile plays onto my lips without my permission. All I can think to say is, "Shut up, and just tell me what's next," with a blush starting to form.
I'm disappointed in myself. I'm usually much, much better at comebacks.
He tells me to add powdered moonstone until it turns purple. After that, we make a few jokes at each other and banter as we used too, but towards the end we stay quiet.
I realize now that I don't mind him when it's quiet.
I think we both know, that we probably won't ever talk again outside of this class. So, pretending like we never stopped being friends isn't a big deal.
We don't exist outside of right now.
Sorry it took me so long to get this out!
Song: Hot rod by day glow (linked at top)