"I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love."
CHASE AMIR LEE
WINSTON-SALEM, NC.
I stood outside of the hospital, sitting on the hood of my car waiting for Paris to come out. This has been the longest three months of my life but I was glad it was over. I came and saw her when I could, but they only allowed visitors once a week and sometimes she wasn't in the right state to even have a visitor.
I contemplated this whole week about whether or not I should propose to her the minute she got out but I decided not to, because I didn't wanna put the stress of planning a wedding on her when she just got out of a psych ward.
Snapping out of my thoughts I looked up seeing her coming out of the hospital. I jogged over to her and picked her up and kissing all on her face, catching her by surprise.
I don't give a fuck I missed the fuck outta her.
I put her down and she was just smiling. "I, um, I have something for you but we need to sit down in the car first."
"Alright," I grabbed her little bag from her and I tried to get the paper bag she had but she didn't let me touch it. She started walking to the car and I followed behind her, looking her up and down.
She gained her weight back, I'm not sure if she was the same size as she was before she stopped eating but she definitely seemed a healthy weight now. I was happy.
I went to the passengers side and opened the door for her, allowing her to get in before I shut it and went to my side and got in, tossing her bag in the backseat.
"What you got in there?" I nodded at the paper bag, putting my seatbelt on.
"Uh, the um, the lady gave me some um antidepressants." She looked at me. "I think they should work, so that's good."
I nodded before leaning over and kissing her cheek multiple times making her giggle. "I missed you man, for real."
"I missed you too."
"How was it?" I asked. I wanted to know, I needed to make sure they wasn't up in that bitch mistreating her.
"Um, well, for the first few days I had a breakdown every day and it lasted longer than normal because there wasn't really anybody there to calm me down or at least try to calm me down. Then they moved me to a floor that had mostly moms going through postpartum or just depression in general and I made a friend."
"Her name is Nadia and we exchanged numbers. She got released before me, around a month ago and I said I'll text her when I was back home but anyway, after she left I went back to having breakdowns because she calmed me down, but they stopped eventually. The people who worked there said that this was normal and I was prescribed anti depressants to help."
"Then they had this thing every two days where the mothers with depression or postpartum would try to draw or write things for their kids or for their partners who they were hostile towards. So, I wrote you something." She dug in her pocket and pulled out a crinkly note, passing it to me.
I opened it up and it was a written note, obviously. It wasn't nothing major, but it was there.
"Dear Chase, I know that recently I have not been the best girlfriend. I've made mistakes throughout our entire relationship, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for trying to throw soap at you. I'm sorry that I said that I hated you—"
I stopped reading the note and stared at her with furrowed eyebrows. "You never said you hated me."
"I did. Multiple times, just not to your face." She said and I was staring at her with a look of surprise. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I was just upset."
I stared at her for a minute before I went back to reading the note. "Thank you for calming me down and dealing with me when a lot of people wouldn't. I love you for a lifetime. Love, P."
"I drew this." She dug into her bag and pulled out a picture of what I'm guessing was a mommy giraffe and a younger giraffe. "I wanted to make something for Namaree."
"Okay...okay, good. Good, that's good." I started up the car before I pulled off and she just leaned back in her seat staring at the picture.
•••
"I used to hate my mother," She blurted out. Namaree was sleep and Key was eating so we were just in our room waiting for Key to finish. I looked over at her confused because it was random.
"What?"
"I hated her." She shrugged, staring at the ceiling. "For multiple reasons. I wanted her to die. I wanted her to croak every single minute of every single day."
Who the hell did I have a baby by...
"Why you hate her?"
"At first I hated her because when my dad died, she made us get over it. It's like she didn't care so we couldn't care. My father was dead and he died in front of me but she wouldn't let me or my siblings care because their marriage was messed up and she didn't feel any type of way, so we couldn't. So I hated her." She started.
"You know why it was messed up?" I ain't wanna be nosy but if she was gone talk about her past I might as well get all the details while she open to give 'em.
"My dad sprained his ankle about six months before he died so he was prescribed pain pills and he got addicted. One of the reasons I ended up wanting to work with recovering addicts is because my dad was an addict and part of the reason he got into the car accident in the first place is because he was drunk and high off of pain pills."
"I—"
"Don't say that you're sorry or anything, it's okay I'm over it now." She turned to face towards me. "Then, I hated her because my brother died."
"Didn't he get hit by a car?" She nodded her head. "So how is that her fault? Why'd you hate her for that then?"
"Because all she did was put me in therapy for a year and suspected that I was fixed, but I wasn't. I'm still afraid. I don't like Cadillacs, I will never touch one in my life because the closest one I've been in contact with killed my brother. She stopped visiting him too, I hated that. Why did you stop going to visit your son?"
"Maybe she didn't wanna feel sad?"
"So what? She had young kids who had lost their big brother and she wouldn't even take us to go see him on his birthday. I would have to sneak out and go to the cemetery just to see him myself."
"Well, I—thats fucked up." I mumbled. "That's it?"
"No. I really hated her when I was pregnant. I found out I was pregnant when I was fifteen, I didn't even have the courage to tell her or my grandparents. I had Ira tell them and when they didn't believe her, I sent Ryan out to do it, lastly I came out with ultrasounds and proved it."
"You went and got ultrasounds and nobody knew?"
"Key's grandma on her dads side knew, so she would take us to all of the appointments and she wouldn't tell anyone. She told me she wouldn't mention it to anyone until I did."
"Oh, okay. Go on."
"So when I told them, my mom didn't even look at me for four days. She made me cook my own food and everything. If she was watching TV in the living room and I came in then she'd go in her room or leave the house. When she finally did start talking to me, she claimed we were going to get some food when she actually drove me to an abortion clinic and forced me to change into the gown and almost forced me to get an abortion. I mean, I obviously didn't get it but she almost made me. I hated her."
"Now how the hell you end up forgiving her for that?" If I was her I would've never forgiven my momma. My mom ain't even did nothing that bad and I still don't like her weird ass.
"I eventually got over it. I had to focus on the better things and stopped being so focused on the negative. Plus, she's my mom."
So?
PARIS SYMERE LEDÈ
WINSTON-SALEM, NC.
"Hi," I picked Namaree up from his crib. I haven't been home long but Chase was downstairs with Key playing Just Dance and I didn't feel like interrupting them, plus Chase has been taking care of Namaree by himself for the last three months anyway.
He just stared at me for a minute before he started crying. "No, no, no, it's okay. It's mommy," I started shushing him, leaving out of his room and walking into the kitchen to get him a bottle out of the fridge.
He was still crying so I was hoping this would calm him down so Chase wouldn't come in here and become all SuperDad. This was my child too, he might need some warming up to me because the last time I was near him I accidentally threw a soap bottle at his head.
Plus, babies don't have any memory anyway. They only remember those who are always around them. The two people that I know Namaree has been around the most are Chase and Key, not me which is why I'm not making such a big deal out of the fact that he's crying.
"Let me warm up your bottle first, it's gonna be okay." I put the bottle in the microwave and set the time for fifteen seconds before turning him towards me. "Can you at least try? I'm trying here."
He started crying again and just as the microwave was going off Chase came in. "He good? Lemme' get him,"
"I'm fine, he's fine, we're fine." I tried calming him down as I grabbed his bottle out of the microwave and shook it up a little before taking the top off and I started feeding him.
He's gotten used to formula, obviously, so I couldn't go back to breastfeeding if I wanted to. I'm not complaining though, I hated breastfeeding.
"He crying, let me get him." He came over to me and took him from me making me frown. "What's wrong?"
"He keeps crying,"
"He just gotta get used to you being around."
"He can't get used to me if you come around and take him away from me. I know what I'm doing, I've had a baby before, you know?" I said sarcastically.
"Just get him later when he done eating then he's all yours I swear," He continued feeding him and I just stared. I'm guessing he could feel me staring because he eventually stared back at me. "You want him now?"
"No," I mumbled. "I need to go and take my medicine anyway."
"I'll go get it." He suggested, handing me Namaree. "They in the room?"
"Upstairs bathroom, in the medicine cabinet."
He walked out of the kitchen and I just stared at Namaree. He was holding the bottle by himself which surprised me because Key didn't hold anything until she was around eight months but I think she might've just been a lazy baby.
"You have my nose." I mumbled looking at him. "You were supposed to be my twin. Key looks like me but you were supposed to be my twin."
He just started moving around in my arms and I smiled at him. When he finished the bottle I took it from him, I was kind of shocked because he'd drank it extremely fast. "Are they not feeding you?"
"Here," Chase came back with the pill bottle and I gave Namaree back to him. I took a pill and tossed it back before putting my head under the faucet letting the water run into my mouth.
"You're disgusting."
I turned the faucet off and swallowed the water and pill before looking at him covering Namaree's eyes. "Don't look at her, she's a heathen. No home training."
"Shut up."
•••
"I put him down, he cooperated." I said to Chase as I walked into our room. I knew he was in here because I had already went downstairs to put our leftovers up, make sure both of the kids were sleep or on their way and to turn off all the lights and he wasn't down there.
"Chase?" I started slapping the bed but he wasn't in the bed. "Okay, well obviously he's not there. Come on now Paris, you've gotta be smarter than that."
I made my way to the closet and opened it not seeing him in there either. There was the top of a shoebox lying on the middle of the floor and I huffed.
I walked out of the closet and jumped when I saw him walking in the room. "Where were you?"
"I was outside." He spoke in a duh tone. "You okay?"
"I...yeah, I just had..." I tried to figure out what I was trying to say because I sounded stupid. "I thought you were up here but you weren't, you were outside and I didn't see you go outside so I was just a little concerned."
"Oh," He nodded walking into the room and sitting on the bed while I just stood there. "You good?"
"I wanna have sex," I blurted out. "Badly, I haven't had sex in a while and at first it was okay because you're not supposed to have sex right after you have a child anyway but I really, really, really need some sex right now so, take off your clothes."
"Take off my clothes?"
"Yes," I took my shirt off and tossed it somewhere in the room. "Take off your clothes."
"P."
"Come on." I started unbuttoning my jeans. "This is not how I planned this situation out in my mind you're supposed to undress yourself too that's kind of how sex works."
"Bu-"
"Do you not wanna have sex with me? Of course you don't. Nobody does. I'm just sexless."
"Actually, your son is crying."
"No he's not." I made a face before I heard his cries from the monitor, making me sigh. "Oh my Goddd."
At this rate I'm never gonna get laid.
•••
this chapter was trash but it's ok bc i just needed to get this chapter out the way so i can finish writing the next chapter. i only got a small bit of it done but it's so cute TO ME.
how y'all week been? mine been eh bc of school starting back but on the bright side my birthday is in 4 days.
ken karev-sloan-avery.