Chapter Ninety-Nine
Dani
The first thing I feel when I wake up is panic. I panic because I think Eli has left. I quickly open my eyes and I find him laying next to me, just watching me. I quickly look away, but I don't miss the dazzling smile he shoots me before my head turns. My first thought is, 'Eli doesn't hate me...' This is a revelation for me. I know he's never given me any reason to think he hates me or is going to leave me, but I don't exactly have a rational mind at the best of times. I don't trust easily and just because someone says something, doesn't mean it's true. I was told countless times, 'This won't hurt.' When in actual fact, it probably couldn't have been any more painful. So, for me to actually truly realize that Eli doesn't hate me and he isn't going anywhere, it's a major thing.
Eli's voice is gruff as he says, “Morning sweetheart. How you feeling?”
“Ok. You?”
“Not too shabby. So, we're going to look at a house tomorrow...”
“I know. Are you nervous?”
“Pshhh.... A little...”
I wasn't expecting that answer. Eli is never scared or nervous and I snap my head back to look at him. He's got a boyish grin on his face and the look just makes my heart melt a little.
I'm so shocked by his admission that I blurt out, “How are you nervous? You're never nervous...”
His chuckle reverberates through my arm, that I've just noticed is on his chest. How did I not know that was there? What else have I done without noticing? No, I can't let my mind wander like that, I'll think all sorts of scary things and I don't want to do that. If Eli sees my internal struggle, he doesn't comment on it.
“I'm nervous because I don't want you to look at it and realize you don't want to do this. I don't want it to suddenly hit you and then you want to run away...”
I've got to be honest with him. “Where would I go? What would I even do? In all honesty, what would I do without you?”
He looks touched by my honesty and then he says, “Well, it's a good thing we don't have to find out about that, isn't it? I guess neither of us are going anywhere, well, except for to our own place. The guys are going to my house tonight to help me pack things up. What do you want to do?”
“I'll stay here, if that's ok?”
“Of course. You can do whatever you want, you know that. Come on, we've got to get ready for work.”
Connie and Don have already left by the time Eli and I grab breakfast. I'm secretly happy about this, because I'm not quite ready to face them. I'm embarrassed about the events of last night and I need to figure out how I'm going to explain it. I don't get much time to think about it when we step onto our floor, because we're thrown into a massive work load.
When the guys are on a training session, someone steps up to my desk and I roll my chair back slightly. I really need to pay more attention to my surroundings, rather than the computer screens. The Captain asked me to monitor a drug house, so I've been keeping a close eye on that. As I look away from my screens, I see a worn pair of boots, similar to the ones Eli and the teams wear.
As I lift my head, I see a blonde haired guy staring intently at me. He has a tiny smile on his face as he says, “So, you're Danica, huh?”
“Er, yes sir? How may I help you, sir? Captain Michaels is currently on a call...”
“I'm here for Eli.”
“Is he expecting you, sir?”
“Probably not.”
“Oh. If you'd like to take a seat, I'll call him. Who should I tell him is waiting, sir?”
“Tell him it's Ryan Palmer.”
“Yes sir.”
I call Eli and when he answers, he's out of breath, like he's been running or something. I get distracted by the sound and my mind sucks me into memories of heavy breathing. Things that I don't want to remember are flashing through in front of my eyes. I quickly snap the band on my wrist, not even thinking this stranger is going to see my odd behavior.
Eli's voice snaps me out of it, as I hear him almost shout, “Svetlyak, what's going on?”
His breathing is more under control and I manage to draw myself back into the conversation just by hearing his voice and the change in his breathing.
I mumble, “Sorry.”
“It's ok. What's wrong?”
“There's a Ryan Palmer waiting for you, sir. He said you're probably not expecting him. What do you want me to do?”
“Tell him I'll be there in about 10 minutes. Is that ok with you?”
I take a deep breath and whisper, “Yes sir.”
“He's a good guy, baby. We were in the army together. He's a good guy... Actually, can I talk to him please?”
“Yes sir.”
I take the phone away from my ear and look at this Ryan guy, “Sir? The Lieutenant would like a word with you.”
I place the handset on the desk and move back a bit more so he can take the call. I try to busy myself with other things, to distract myself, but I can't help but overhear Ryan's end of the conversation.
“Yes sir. No, nothing's wrong. I just wanted to check in.... Yeah, I've been doing some digging and I've got some information that you might find helpful.... I'll wait until you get here though... Don't worry, I won't upset her, LT.”
He places the phone on the desk again and smiles as he says, “He wants you back...”
When I get back on the phone, Eli says, “Hey, you ok?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good. I won't be long. He'll behave himself, I promise. I'll see you in a bit.”
“Ok.”
After I hang up, I quickly look at this guy. He's big, like football player big, but he doesn't look mean. Well, that's not strictly true. He looks like he could be mean if he wanted to be, but at the moment he doesn't look mean. He's got bright blue eyes, but they look like they've seen some tragedy as well. I'm guessing that's from the army. Just as I'm about to ask him if he wants coffee, the Captain appears.
“Dani, Simon will be sending the stats through from this last training session. You think you could have a quick look at them please...? Oh, hey Arrow, was I supposed to have a meeting with you?”
Arrow? That's Eli's friend. The one I heard him talking to on his cell the night Artur was at Don and Connie's house. I involuntarily shudder at the memory, but quickly push it aside when I hear Arrow/Ryan talk.
“No sir. I'm waiting for Ramirez. He should be here soon.”
“Ok. I thought I'd missed something. It's not like Dani to let me forget something, so I did wonder.”
These two know each other? This is just a bit weird right now.
“Would you like coffee, Captain? Sir?”
They both nod, so I escape the awkward situation by going to make the drinks. I'm not panicking really, just feeling awkward. It probably wouldn't be so bad if Eli was here, but he's not and I need to man up and deal with this situation. When I come back to my desk, the two men fall silent and I quickly say, “Your coffees are here. Should I leave, Captain? I can leave and let you carry on talking, sir...”
“No, that's not necessary, Dani. We're all done here. Hold my calls though, I need to make an important call.”
“Yes sir.”
I sit back down, watch the computer screens again and wait for Simon's stats to come through. My printer springing to life makes me jump, but I grab the paper without even looking. I keep an eye on the screens and flick through the stats at the same time, forgetting Arrow is there. He chuckles and says, “Ramirez told me you were special. I'm only now just realizing how special. That's an awesome trick. I wish I could do that.”
I blush and drop the sheet of paper on my desk, apologizing.
“No need to apologize. That's awesome. I've heard quite a lot about you, Miss Romanov.”
“You have? Please, sir, call me Dani.” Miss Romanov reminds me too much of Paul, but I'm not going to tell Arrow that.
“Eli talks about you often. He's quite taken with you. Do you know who I am?”
“Yes sir, I've heard of you. Only by the name Arrow though.”
“That's what everyone calls me. Only my mom calls me Ryan. So, how are you doing? Ramirez said you were in hospital.”
“I'm good, sir, thank you.”
“Good. You don't need to call me sir, Dani.”
“Sorry. Habit.”
“I hate to make you feel uncomfortable, but I have to ask. Did they find the scum that put you in hospital?”
I frown, trying to figure out just how much this guy knows. He isn't looking at me like he knows all the details, but that could be his training masking that. Although I knew when the Captain knew. He had a different look about him, that only I could see. My poppa's motto springs to mind, no more lies, so I answer this guy honestly.
“Yes sir. Well, mostly. One of them is dead.”
“Good. I hope he suffered. Anyone that hurts a friend of my Lieutenant, deserves the worst treatment.”
Something in the way he speaks and looks at me, makes me wonder. I start trying to piece information together and it's not too long before I gasp and quietly ask, “Did you...? No, I can't even ask that... Sorry sir, forgive me for my outburst.”
“No harm. I'll answer though. No, I didn't. But can you keep a secret? You have to swear you'll never, ever tell a soul. Not even Eli.”
I pause. I don't know if that's a good thing to agree to. I'm supposed to start being honest with Eli. I can't really break that a day after I decided to do it, can I?
“It's only for his protection, Dani. I'd tell him myself, but that'll mean he'll have to report it...”
It suddenly hits me what he's going to say. I piece together all the snippets of information I have and I cover my mouth with my hands in an attempt to hide my shock. I don't know whether to be grateful, upset, angry or ashamed, but this guy went out on a limb for me. Someone he'd never even met before.
I quickly say, “Don't say it. I know what you're going to say. Please don't tell me. I won't ever have to tell anyone you admitted it.”
He nods and shoots me a wink. “You've picked something up being here, that's for sure. You're a smart one.”
He set Artur up. He made it look like Artur was selling out the Bratva and that's what got him killed. Surely Arrow would have known that was going to happen? Maybe he didn't know what they would do. Maybe he was trying to scare Artur into confessing. It doesn't really matter now, I suppose. He can't hurt me anymore. There's no risk of me seeing him ever again and I have the man standing in front of me to thank for that. So, really I am grateful. I've managed to sift through all of the emotions and actually come up with the one that fits this moment. He deserved to die, there's no doubt about that, but I never dreamed it was be possible, so I never even thought about it.
There are tears in my eyes as I look up at Arrow. I look him straight in the eye, something I very rarely do and I whisper, “Thank you... I don't know what else to say. Just... thank you.”
His features soften at my words, and he replies, “You are very welcome.”
The door to our floor banging, snaps me out of the moment quickly. I literally blink and Arrow is back in his chair, like nothing ever happened. How does a guy as big as him move so quickly and quietly? I watch in a daze as Eli and Ash greet Arrow. Ash jumps on Arrow's back and clings on, while Arrow tries to throw him off. Something tells me Arrow isn't really trying though. Eli was right, he's a good guy and they're lucky to have each other. I'm lucky they have each other. The realization that I may actually have friends, hits me and I feel a small smile grace my features. The facial expression is still relatively new to me, but it's becoming a more frequent the longer I know these people.
Eli's voice snaps me out of my daze, “Hey. That smile is beautiful. You doing ok?”
“Yes sir. You were right. He's a good guy, Eli.”
He smiles at me. “I know. He'd do anything for me and I'd do the same for him. For the record, hearing you say that and having your approval means a great deal to me. Thank you.”
I nod, not really knowing what to say. No words are needed though because Eli knows me too well. It's definitely turning out to be an interesting day.
The rest of the day goes by in a blur and we leave the precinct just after 7. Ash is with us because he's going to Eli's tonight with the team. The two guys are chatting and laughing. I'm content just to listen to their banter. Ash is a good guy and he makes Eli less serious, something I'm probably not very good at. I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to not be so depressed and serious all the time. I know it's going to take some time though and I am thankful for the patience everyone has shown me. They don't have to be so kind and patient, but they are and I will forever appreciate their kindness.
When we step in the front door of Connie and Don's house, we hear laughter. Immediately, I freeze, not knowing what to expect. Eli takes my hand and kisses my knuckles before whispering, “That's my sister's laugh. You ok?”
“Yes sir. Just wasn't expecting it.”
“It's fine, baby. I'm right here, ok?”
I nod and follow the two guys into the living room.
“Hey ma, Maria.”
I hear a young voice squeal, “Uncle!”
There's a blur of dark hair, as Fiona runs toward Eli. He drops my hand just in time to catch her launching herself into his arms. Eli throws Fiona up in the air and the sound of her giggles fill the room. It makes me think of my poppa and how he used to do the same to me. The memory makes me smile, but also makes me a bit sad. My poppa is gone and I'm starting to come to terms with that. It'll always make me a bit sad, because losing a parent or any loved one is sad, of course. But now that I've actually been allowed to grieve, I'm coming to terms with it. Seeing how good Eli is with Fiona makes my heart ache just that little bit more, because I know he'll never have that. He'll never be able to hold his own child in his arms and throw them in the air. He'll never be able to hear the laughter of his children, because if he stays with me, that's never going to be possible.
I haven't told him I'll never be able to have children. When is the right time to tell someone something like that? He's never said he wants children, but he's so good with Fiona I can't imagine he doesn't want a family. I don't think he'd leave me just because of that. I couldn't say that before, but I'm starting to see things differently now. However, I don't want him to resent me for not being able to give him a family. Now, I'm not saying I'm ready or I'll ever be ready to be with Eli in that way. Obviously I'm not ready or I'd actually be able to say the word for that deed. That word still sounds so dirty and disgusting to me. It involves things that I really don't want to think about right now. I know people will never understand the horror of those experiences and images and I can't even begin to explain the dread and fear that fills me when I think about things like that. I also know it's selfish of me to expect Eli to wait forever, which puts me in a bit of a quandary. I don't want to be selfish, but I'm not ready for that step and I may never be. I've spent a large part of my life doing as I'm told and being forced to fulfill men's disgusting desires that I don't want to do anything that is remotely close to being similar.
They've ruined a massive part of me. They stole my innocence and in a humiliating and painful way. A 15 year old girl being auctioned off and then forced into doing that with a dirty, fat, sweaty old guy does not make me think any other time is going to be any better. The years that followed were atrocious, there's no doubt about that, but the first experience with the breathing man left a wound that will never fully heal. I know Eli wants me to talk to him, but telling him all of this is humiliating.
I jump out of my thoughts when Ash speaks.
“Hey, you ok there, darlin'? You look a bit sad.”
I try to smile at him, but I don't know if it works very well. If the disbelieving look he shoots me is anything to go by then I didn't achieve my goal.
“I'm ok, thank you.”
“Really? You don't look ok. Anything I can help with?”
“No sir, thank you. I'm ok, maybe just a bit tired.”
“Maybe you'll be able to get an early night, huh? You want me to get him to stay at his house tonight?”
“Oh! No sir, honestly. I'd prefer to know he's safe...”
I didn't mean to let that slip out.
“I'll take care of him, darlin'. He's going to be with a whole SWAT team, I think we've got it covered.”
“Sorry, I didn't mean it like that... I just worry.”
Ash shoots me a grin, “I know. I think it's cute that you worry about him. He's worried about leaving you tonight, you know?”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I know he won't tell you that. I also know that you'll be safe. Don and Connie will be here. Do you want him to stay?”
“Is that a trick question?”
He chuckles, “No, I promise.”
I nod. “Of course I want him to stay, but he needs to spend time with you guys. He needs to see his brother. Ash?”
“Yes ma'am?”
“You'll make sure him and Tyler are ok, won't you? I don't want them fighting because of me.”
“I'll make sure they're ok. They've always fought, Dani, it always turns out fine. I've been around long enough to see it a hundred times, but I will check, just for you.”
“Thank you.”
Eli appears at my side, with a child clinging to his leg.
“You guys ok?”
Both Ash and I nod.
“Baby, you ok with Maria and Fi staying for a while? My pops should be back soon. He's had a long shift, but he's finishing soon.”
“It's fine, Eli, honestly.”
“Ok. You ready to go, Scott?”
“Yes sir. Arrow said he's picking up pizza, Tyler's got the drinks...”
I tense at the thought of alcohol and I'm sure Eli notices because he kisses the crown of my head and whispers, “I'm not drinking, sweetheart. I won't come back here smelling of alcohol, I promise.”
I breathe out a quick thank you and he gives me a squeeze before saying, “We have to go, ma. Any problems, just give me a call.”
Maria speaks quickly, “Stop worrying, Eli. There won't be any problems. Just go do your guy thing and we'll do our girl thing.”
Maria obviously has no idea about my past or whatever else has happened since, which is a good thing. I notice just how much Eli is looking out for me when I hear him mutter to his mom, “No chick flicks, ma. They make Dani uncomfortable.”
She nods and pats his chest, while sending him a soft smile. Eli stands in front of me and asks in Russian, “You sure you're ok with this?”
“Yes, I promise. Eli? Have a nice time.”
He smiles, “How can I not? We're packing up my stuff so we can get a house together. What's not to like about that?”
I smile at his enthusiasm and he kisses the crown of my head before saying goodbye. The evening is filled with baking, and me watching the three generations of Ramirez women interacting. It's not as scary or as upsetting as I thought it would be. Today has definitely been an odd day.