Alyssa's POV:
I woke up the next morning with a huge headache, hung over as a mother fucker. Then suddenly, all of the events of last night came crashing back; hitting me like a ton of bricks.
"Fuck", I muttered, as I crawled out of bed, replaying what had happened with Maddie last night. And all I could think of was, why the fuck did we do that? And I know we were drunk and everything, but still. Now everything was all fucked up. And what was even more so, was that I felt confused, and not sure of what to make of everything, or how I even felt about what had happened.
I took a long, hot shower and tried to clear my head.
'Now what?', I thought to myself. What the fuck now?
And honestly, I didn't know what to think. Was I happy about what happened? Or upset about it? Did I regret what happened? Or was I glad about it? I honestly didn't know. And a large part of that was because I didn't know how she felt or how she was going to react. Because today was a new day. We were both now clear headed, and this morning could potentially shed a very different light on things. Which could be good or bad.
Then all of a sudden, I had the overwhelming sense of dread, at the mere thought of having to face her. It was something I wasn't sure I was ready to do. Because I knew no matter what, things were probably going to be awkward. And maybe even tense. And I absolutely hated tense, awkward, fucked up situations. More than anything. Which exactly what this was.
I stood there for a long time, not knowing what to do, or what to even say to her. Should we sit down and talk about it? Should I apologize? Or maybe I should act like it never happened. Act like I was drunk and don't even remember. I was so fucking confused.
Then suddenly it hit me. I needed to talk to Nichole. I needed her help, and I knew she would know what to do.
I got dressed and made my way to the living room, and part of me was hoping Maddie wasn't up yet, so maybe I wouldn't have to face her, just yet.
But sure enough, there she was, sitting on the couch, playing with her phone. She looked up at me as I entered the room. And I took one look at her, and immediately felt awkward. I had no idea where my head was at, and I knew I wasn't ready to deal with this. Not just yet.
And that's what I did with all the problems in my life. If I had a problem, I avoided it. Or acted like it never happened. I blew things off. Let things go, and just hoped they went away. And up until now, it has always worked perfectly to handle things like that, so why change now?
"Hey", she said, apprehensively.
"Hey", I said back, avoided any eye contact. And as quickly as I could, I grabbed my coat and keys.
"Where are you going?" she asked, looking at me, with a confused look on her face.
"Uhhh. I'm gonna go out for a little bit. There's like... some shit I have to do", I said, making up excuses.
"Like what?" she asked, clearly knowing I wasn't be straight with her.
"I have to... go get some stamps, and envelopes and shit."
She looked at me, clearly knowing I was lying.
"Yeah, I have to like... write a bunch of letters, and well... I gotta go", I said, opening up the door and leaving, before she could say anything.
I immediately felt better being out of the apartment, because things already felt tense between us, and the last thing I wanted to do was to risk saying or doing the wrong thing and making things even worse.
I drove the short distance to my sister's house. Because the fact was, I needed her help. Because not only did she know my history with Maddie, she also was good at giving advise. Where if left to my own devices, I knew damn well, I'd fuck everything up. Even more than it already was. And right now, more than anything, I felt like I just needed to talk through things. Because honestly, I had no idea what to do.
I rang her doorbell. And a few moments later Alexis answered door. "Hey!" she said smiling at me, but obviously surprised to see me.
"Hey", I said to my future sister-in-law. "Sorry to come over unannounced, but I need to talk to Nichole. She here?" I asked, looking past her, and peering into the house.
"Yes, she's just making coffee. Come on in", she said.
I entered the house and went to the kitchen. Nichole looked up from what she was doing, obviously surprised to see me, as well.
"Hey Lys. What are you doing here?" she said, smiling at me.
"I just came to visit. And well... I kinda need to talk to you about something."
Sure", she said. "What is it?"
I then glanced at Lexi. "I kinda need to talk to you in private", I said, not wanting Lexi to hear what had happened last night.
"Ummm... yeah, sure", she responded, looking at Alexis.
"Yeah, of course. No problem", Alexis said, excusing herself and going upstairs.
As soon as Lexi was out of earshot, Nichole took one look at me and said, point blank. "Ok, what did you do?" she asked suspiciously, crossing her arms.
"Why do you assume I did anything?" I asked, innocently.
She rolled her eyes. "Because you're Alyssa. And I know you all to well", she said, sitting down at the kitchen table. "So what did you do?" she repeated.
I sat down next to her. "It wasn't my fault. I was completely drunk."
"Oh my God", she said, shaking her head. "I'm scared to even know."
I paused, not even knowing where to start. "I don't even know where to start."
"Just tell me", she said, obviously anticipating just about anything.
I let out a large sigh. "I need a cigarette."
She looked at me in shock. "You smoke?"
I laughed. "I'm not a fucking baby. But yeah, I do. Sometimes."
She looked at me, knowing that whatever it was that I was about to tell her, was gonna be a whopper.
"Ok, let's go outside", she said, going over to the kitchen counter and grabbing her cigarettes and lighter out of the top drawer.
We went outside on her deck, and even though it was late fall in New York, the weather was unseasonably warm today. And it felt good to be outside in the fresh air.
She handed me a cigarette and I lit it and took a long drag.
"So last night, something fucked up happened", I said, not wasting any time and getting right to it.
"What happened?" she asked, furrowing her eyebrows together, as if she was afraid of what I was going to say.
"It's about me and Maddie",' I said, taking another hit of my cigarette.
"Maddie?"
"Yeah. So last night we were drinking. And things kinda got a little out of hand. And I may have fucked up."
"Oh my God. I'm afraid to even know", she said, as if she was bracing for the worst.
I didn't say anything, because I wasn't exactly sure how to say it. It was all so fucked up.
"Well?", she said, unable to wait any longer. "What the hell did you do?"
"Well, we got really drunk. And one thing lead to another. And well..." I said, trailing off, scared to say it.
"Well what?" she asked, her eyes wide, as she braced herself for what I was about to say.
"We ended up kissing", I said, as I held my breath, scared to death of what her reaction would be.
"What?!" she exclaimed. "You kissed?! You and Maddie?!" she said, trying to take it all in.
"Yeah. The whole thing was fucked up", I said, taking another hit of my cigarette.
"Now I need a cigarette", she said, taking one of the packet and lighting it. "What exactly happened?" she asked, taking a hit.
"I don't know. We were drinking and doing shots. And she wanted to watch a movie in her bedroom. And one thing led to another. And well... we ended up kissing"
"Alyssa!" she said.
"It was an accident. Her lips accidentally ran into mine, and-"
"Knock it off, Alyssa", she said, getting annoyed. "Your lips don't just accidentally run into someone else's. That's ridiculous."
I took another hit of my cigarette, as she did as well. "Well ok, maybe that didn't exactly happen, but I don't know what the fuck happened."
She shook her head. "Did you take advantage of her?"
"No!" I said, immediately feeling offended. "I would never do anything like that. We were both drunk, but we both consented. Why do you always have to blame everything on me?" I asked, not liking that she had thought I had done something wrong.
"I'm not blaming you, Alyssa. I just don't like the fact that alcohol was involved. Because that makes for bad decisions."
"Yeah, no shit", I said, taking another long drag of my cigarette. "Story of my life."
"So wait", she asked shaking her head. "Is there something going on between you two? Do you guys like each other or something? Or was it just a drunken moment? What exactly is going on?"
"I have no idea. Things have always been kind of weird between us. And then with drinking, it just kind of happened."
"Weird?"
"Yeah. We always give each other weird looks. And fucked up glances."
She didn't say anything, as she took another hit of her cigarette, as if she seemingly was still trying to make sense of what I was telling her. "Well, I guess just a little kiss isn't that big of a deal."
I paused, before finally speaking. "Actually, it wasn't just a little kiss. There was like tongue involved, and shit.", I said, point blank, not wanting to sugar coat what had happened. Because honestly, I needed her help and wanted her advice on the whole situation. Because I knew this wasn't something I could figure out on my own.
"Alyssa!" she exclaimed, sounded completely disappointed in me.
"Oh, and also I got fired", I said, figuring I might as well throw it all out there.
"Alyssa! Oh my God! Can you be any more irresponsible?!"
"About what? Which part?" I asked, just wanting to be sure, as to what she was talking about.
"About... all of it!" she said, clearly annoyed with me.
"It wasn't my fault. My boss was a real weirdo. And wanted me to do like, everything perfect. And well, the whole thing was fucked up."
"Oh my God, will you stop making excuses and just take responsibility for yourself?!" she said, clearly annoyed by me.
"Responsibility for what? It's not my fault that fucked up shit happens to me."
But she clearly wasn't buying my excuses.
"Look Alyssa, I don't know what happened with you and your boss. But that's up to you to figure out. But Maddie is a total sweetheart and Lexi's sister, and I don't want you playing with her. Because I know you and I know you've done that before. I know your history."
And what she said hurt me. Because it wasn't true. "I'm not playing with her," I said honestly.
"Then what, Alyssa?"
"I don't know", I said honestly. Because I didn't know. Because at this point, I was completely confused.
She looked at me, but didn't say anything for a long time before finally speaking. "What do you mean you don't know?"
"I mean... I'm not sure what's going on with us right now and where to go from here. That's why I'm here. I need your help, Nik", I said, badly needing her advice.
She thought again, and took another hit of her cigarette, before finally speaking. "This is a tough situation. Because you guys live together. And you already have a great friendship. So, there's a lot at stake here."
And I completely agreed. That's why I was struggling so much to try to figure everything out. "I know. Exactly. And I don't want to fuck things up, anymore than they already are."
"Yeah. And it's not that it's impossible to fix this. It just needs to be done right."
"Yeah", I said, thinking. "You know, you and Lexi kinda started out this way. You guys were living together and were just friends at first too", I said, thinking that maybe if they were able to make it work, then maybe Maddie and I could too. If that's what we both even wanted, of course.
She shook her head. "Sort of. But Alexis and I were different. It was always sexual between us. Even though we didn't act on it at first. But there was always a sexual tension between us."
"I guess", I said, thinking about all the weird tension that seemingly had been going on for months between me and Maddie. But maybe that wasn't the same thing. I honestly didn't know.
"I guess, the real question is", she said. "What do you want out of all of this? I mean, do you want to pursue something with her? Or do you just want to keep it as friends?"
"Honestly?" I asked, looking her directly in the eye.
"Yes. Honestly."
I paused for a long time, because what I was about to say was something I had never told anyone. And it honestly kinda scared me.
"I... I think I like her."
Her eyes went wide. "You do?"
I nodded. "Yeah. Actually, I know I like her."
"So do you want to pursue something with her then?"
I thought about it for a long time. And the truth was, Maddie was special. And even though I had no idea what would end up happening, I knew one thing for sure. I wanted to try. "Yes. I think I do. I mean, I love our friendship and all, but I do want something more with her. She's a great person. And we get along really good. She's so pretty too. And, well... she's just kinda special."
She smiled. "That's so good. I'm really excited for you Alyssa."
I smiled back, feeling excited too. And obviously, I had no idea how Maddie felt or if she even wanted more with me. But just the thought of the possibility, excited me. "So you would be alright with it?" I asked, wanting her blessing, in a sense, because after all, she was my older sister, and I valued her opinion.
"Of course I would be. I think it could really be good. But, you have to promise me something", she added.
"What?" I asked, curiously.
"If you're going to do this, you have to do it right. You need to be more responsible. You need to make sure you take care of all of her needs, and treat her really good. And put some effort into it. Don't just half-ass the whole relationship. Don't be lazy about it."
I grinned mischievously. "What are you talking about?", I asked, playing innocent. Because the truth was, I knew exactly what she was getting at, because she knew me all to well.
And she was right. Because in all my other past relationships, I put like zero effort into it. I just didn't care enough to. I contributed just about nothing to it. Because I was too fucking lazy to even try. And the second there was a problem or times got a little tough, I always bailed immediately. Because it was just easier that way.
So, when it came to relationships, I wasn't the best. In fact, I completely sucked at it. But, I knew with Maddie, I had to change all that. Or else it would never work.
"You know damn well what I'm talking about", she said rolling her eyes.
"I know, I know. You're completely right. But I'm gonna do things right this time."
"Well then good. I think that would be a good start."
I nodded in agreement, feeling pretty good about everything.
"So, what does Maddie think about what happened last night?"
"I have no idea."
"You don't know?" she's asked surprised. "Well, what did she say when you talked to her about it?"
"Ahhh... I didn't talk to her about it yet. I just kinda bailed on her. Because it was stressing me out and shit."
"Alyssa!" she said, looking at me and shaking her head. "See, that's exactly what I'm talking about. You can't just bail on everything in a relationship, just because it's stressful."
"I know. I just panicked. But I got it now."
"I hope so", she said, then added. "But seriously, you really need to talk to her about what happened last night. And make sure everything's ok with her."
"I will talk to her about it", I said, still dreading having that conversation, because I knew it could be awkward."
"Ok. When?" she asked, again knowing me too well.
"I don't know. Probably tomorrow, I was thinking."
"Alyssa!" she exclaimed, shaking her head again.
"What?"
"Today! Not tomorrow. You need to talk to her now", she said, sternly.
"Ok, ok. Stop nagging me", I said. "I'll do it today."
"Damn", she said, clearly annoyed.
"What?"
"You know what."
"I'm sorry. But, I promise, I'll get my shit together." And I meant it too. Maddie was special and I really liked her. And I was determined to make this work. The last thing I wanted was to fuck this up.
"I gotta go. So I can talk to her", I said, standing up to leave.
She stood up too, and gave me a hug, and I hugged her back. Because I think we both felt happy and excited about the possibilities.
"Go get your girl", she said, smiling at me.
I smiled back, and nodded. "I'm gonna do my best." And with that, I left, and headed back home.
-
I opened up the apartment door, and Maddie was in the kitchen. She turned to look at me. Her face was cold, and I was pretty sure she was upset with me.
I took my coat off and went into the kitchen, but didn't say anything. Because I had no idea where to even start.
"Where's all your stamps and envelopes?" she asked, sounding distant.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, forgetting about the excuse I had made up earlier, but then suddenly remembering. "Oh yeah, ummm... the stamp store was... like out of stamps, and envelopes. So I didn't get any."
"The stamp store?", she asked, obviously not buying it.
"Yeah. They didn't have any."
"The stamp store didn't have any stamps. Ummm. Interesting."
"I know right. It was fucked up. They need to like stock up on that shit."
"And who the hell are all these people you're writing letters to?" she asked, basically interrogating me.
"I don't fucking know, all right. Just a bunch of people", I said growing frustrated. Because talking about stamps wasn't what I wanted to talk about.
"Look, I want to talk you about something", I said, changing the subject.
She looked at me, then quickly looked away. And things immediately felt awkward. But I wasn't going to bail this time. Absolutely not. No matter what.
"I want to talk about... what happened last night", I said, deciding to just throw it out there and not beat around the bush about it.
She looked at me again, and I could see the hurt in her eyes. And it made me feel completely horrible. "I'd like to talk about it too", she said, in a serious tone.
And I immediately felt better, because even though I knew she was hurting, she was still willing to discuss it, and that was good. "Can we sit on the couch and talk?" I asked.
She nodded, as we both walked to the living room and sat down. She sat way on the other end, as far away from me as she could, obviously wanting to keep her distance.
"Maddie, I know we were both drunk last night, and maybe that's why that happened."
"Is that why you think it happened?" she said, coldly. "Because we were drunk? And it was just a stupid drunken mistake?"
"Damn. Why are you being so salty?" I asked, as I quickly realized this was going to be harder than I thought.
"I'm not being salty. I'm just asking you a question. Is that why you think it happened?"
I shook my head. "No. I don't think that's why it happened. I really don't."
She looked at me suspiciously. "Then why do you think it happened?"
"Maddie. I want to be honest with you. For months now, we've been vibing. And none of it was intentional, but we've been sending out little love taps to each other."
"Love taps? What the hell's that? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I don't know. Just like signals or something."
She thought about it, then finally spoke. "Yeah, I guess we have."
"But anyhow, I think the alcohol just brought out what I've been feeling for you, all along", I said starting to get nervous, because I was about to leave my comfort zone, and reveal my feelings for her. And I knew damn well that I could get shot down, and get completely rejected, but I didn't care. I was willing to take that risk. Because I really liked her and had real feelings for her. So I was willing to take the chance.
"Feelings?" she asked, her face softening.
I paused and hesitated because I hated putting myself out there, and setting myself up for possible rejection. But I had no choice. If I wanted our relationship to go anywhere, I had to to do it.
I hesitated again, but then finally spoke. "What I'm trying to say is... what I mean is..."
She moved closer to me. "Alyssa..."
And it was obvious that both of us were struggling with our feelings. But I wanted her. I wanted us. So I knew telling her was something I had to do.
"Just let me say what I need to say. Before I lose my nerve", I said, knowing it was now or never.
And with that she fell silent, and just let me say what I had been wanting to tell her for months.
"Maddie... I don't really know the right way to do this, so I'm just gonna come out and say it", I said, taking a deep breath. I was so nervous, but I had to tell her. "I have... feelings for you. Like... as more than just a friend."
She looked at me, in disbelief, but didn't say anything. I tried to read her reaction, to see how she felt about what I had just revealed, but I couldn't tell. And I immediately began to think that maybe I shouldn't have told her. Because what if she didn't feel the same?
"Wow. I don't really know what to say."
"Look, if you don't feel the same-"
"No", she said cutting me off, and shaking her head. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm just surprised and I wasn't expecting you to say that. Plus what happened last night, and now this, it's just all a lot to take in."
"I know", I agreed. "It is a lot." And maybe it was too much. After everything that happened last night, maybe I was rushing things too much by telling her.
"Alyssa", she said, looking at me, her clear blue eyes, now soft. "I have feelings for you too. I'm not gonna lie."
"You do?" I asked, as a smile spread across my face, that I couldn't hold back.
"Yes. And honestly, I'm a little confused about it, because I always thought I was straight. But with you, it's different."
"Well maybe I turned you gay", I said, thinking out loud.
She laughed. "Can that even happen?"
"I have no idea", I said honestly. "But anyway, so we both admitted we have feelings for each other. So, what now? Where do we go from here?" I asked, wondering where she wanted to take things.
"I'm not sure. What do you think?"
"Well, if you want, I was thinking that maybe we could try to have, like a little relationship."
She looked away and didn't say anything, and I saw the hurt return to her eyes.
"What's wrong?" I asked, sensing something was off.
"A relationship is a big step, Alyssa, and it's a lot of work. Do you think you could handle it?"
"Yes", I said, without my hesitation at all.
"You walked out on me yesterday, and today", she said, her voice laced with hurt.
"I know", I said, moving closer to her, feeling really bad, and hating the fact that I hurt her. "I'm really sorry about that. I was wrong and I shouldn't have done that."
But I could tell she still wasn't completely convinced. "So if we're going to be in a relationship, what's going to happen when we have another problem, or things get tough? Are you just gonna just do the same thing?"
"No", I said, again without any hesitation. "And I understand you feeling like that. But I'm not gonna do that to you ever again. I promise. Just give me a chance."
She thought about it for a moment, then finally spoke. "Ok", she said, and began to smile. "I'll give us a chance. Because I really do want a relationship with you."
I smiled back, and I just felt so happy, because everything just felt so right. "So, I want to ask you something", I said.
"What?"
"I hope it isn't too soon to ask you this, but Maddie...will you be my girlfriend?" I asked, figuring I might as well just take care of everything all at one time.
"Yes!" she said, as she wrapped her arms around my neck, giving me a big hug. I hugged her back, and neither one of us could stop grinning.
"I'm so happy", she said, as we ended the hug.
"Me too" I said honestly. Because I felt I had the best girl in the world. Because to me she was perfect.
"Sooo- "I said, feeling nervous again. "Can I kiss you?"
Her eyes went wide, and I could tell she was nervous too. Because even though we had already kissed last night, we were both drunk, and we weren't officially dating. But now we were, so in a way, it almost felt like it would be our first real kiss.
"Yes", she said, barely above a whisper. "I'm just a little nervous, because last night, well, we were drunk and- ", she said trailing off.
"I know. But don't be nervous", I said, softly, as I pulled her closer to me.
I brushed a loose strand of her silky, blonde hair out of her face, then gently ran my fingertips across her jawline, my hand trembling ever so slightly, because she was so beautiful, that she was making me nervous.
"God, you're beautiful", I whispered. And it was true. I had always thought she was pretty, but up until now, I hadn't ever been able to tell her. But now I could. And I would tell her every day.
"You are too", she whispered back. "So pretty."
And with that, we didn't say anything more. We looked into each other's eyes, both of us full of anticipation.
Then without being able to resist any longer, I closed my eyes, and pressed my lips softly on hers, and it instantly gave me butterflies.
She kissed me back just as softly, but only for a few seconds, because I broke the kiss. She smiled and I did too. Because it was exactly the way I wanted the kiss to be. Soft and sweet. And simple. And I also basically wanted to try to redeem myself from last night. And not stick my tongue down her throat this time. And try to be a little bit more respectful.
"That was amazing", she said, happily, as she leaned against my chest, and we sat back, and I put my arm around her. "Absolutely perfect."
"You're perfect", I whispered back.