"We are more frightened then hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality."
-Seneca
It's like electricity zapping through the room every time Damon steals little glimpses of me. Like lightning striking my body when I catch those storm blue eyes wandering over me. It only confuses me because I can't figure out what exactly he wants. Does he want to be with me? Or want nothing to do with me? And if it's the latter why's he acting like this?
Maybe Roman's right, as much as it kills me to say it, he had some good points. Nothing was ever settled between Damon and me which means there's an abundance of loose ends. Of 'what ifs' and those things make it hard to fully move on, even if you've convinced yourself to do just that.
Loose ends lead to moments like this where we both can't seem to keep our eyes off each other, but our gaze never meets. Every time I try to catch him staring, he snaps his irises to the other direction and pretends to be intensely interested in something mediocre. But he's never quite fast enough to leave me doubting he was looking.
The monotone voice coming from the front of the classroom is simply background noise to the interaction clouding my ability to focus. What I really want to know is if he feels it to. Dammit he has to- or maybe I'm so desperate for him to that I've convinced myself he does.
He eyes flicker to mine and they linger longer this time even when I turn and capture them with my own. Thunderstorms work in them as strikes of emotion I can decipher gyrate in their depths and in that moment somehow I know he feels it too.
Our stare down breaks as the piercing bell chimes and everyone begins moving in a blur to escape the room, but I don't move- I stay put. A rough hand gently touches my arm and I immediately jump at the sudden contact.
Concern coats Damon's features like a thin layer of dust as his lips perk up in an uneasy smile. "Are you okay?" sincerity rings through his words as his eyes go soft.
I lift my gaze to see that everybody has left, even the teacher, leaving us all alone. I bite my lip and stand from my seat quickly causing the metal chair to squeak as it rubs against the tile flooring. It takes everything in me to ignore his nagging presence as I throw my books into my bag and sling it over my shoulder.
I spin around and almost bump straight into him, not realizing how close he is. Fog clouds over his irises as he stares down at me and runs a hand through his hair. I swallow thickly because it feels like the room just rose ten degrees in temperature. Oh fuck my stupid hormones, "Yeah," I mumble, my tone much raspier then I was expecting. A blush crawls onto my cheeks and I shift my sight away from his eyes.
He inhales deeply and lowers his head making it closer to my own. Visions of him pushing me up against the desk and kissing the hell out of my erupt through my train of thought. I internally scold myself and push it away to the very depths of my brain, because that is never going to happen.
Tingles dance in my arm as he takes my hand in his and begins playing with my fingers. He used to do this when he was feeling nervous about something and I never knew how much I missed it until right now.
He angles his head so he's staring straight into my eyes. "We need to talk," My eyes follow his lips shamelessly and I have to gather all my strength to look away from them.
His hand is still holding my own but the contact will only destroy me in the long run because I know he'll never be mine again. I pull away, immediately missing the warmth he provided. Hurt dashes through those magnetic grey irises of his and I want to punch myself for being the one that caused it.
"I know," My voice is just above a whisper.
He takes a couple steps away from me like I'm toxic to him, and maybe I am, maybe we're both toxic to each other. His Adam's apple bobs up and down as he stuffs his hands in his pockets. "Okay, seven tonight at my house. We can talk then," He says it to me like I'm merely a stranger to him and it causing my heart strings to tug painfully.
I don't want him to think of me as someone he doesn't know. Fucking hell, twelve months ago I was wrapped up in his arms like I was made to be there. If I'm not a stranger, why does it feel like I am?
He backs up swiftly like he can't get away from me fast enough. The space he's putting between us makes my head feel dizzy because all I really want to do is close the distance and he can't seem to get far enough away.
I'm so fucking screwed. "I'll see you later then," His parting words are short and abrupt before he turns and stalks out of the room. He doesn't look back once, not even to spare me a simple glance. Shame on me for wanting him to.
* * *
Standing in front of the Caldwell's house is like being at the very top of the first hill on a roller coaster. My stomach feels queasy and my heart is lodged in my throat but I know there's no going back now.
I breathe in and try to remind myself that I shouldn't be so nervous. I know the whole family for gods sake, and I've been here a million times. But then again it's been a year since I've seen everybody, since I've stood in front of this door. Now rejection may be in my horizon when I walk into this home, and I don't know if I'll ever be ready to face that.
I gather all my courage, every single ounce I possess, and dig my pointer finger into the small golden button. A low ding-dong chimes throughout the house and I glance into the crystal window that only allows for the outline of the objects to show in the mist of a golden hue.
I tap my foot on the dusky flagstone porch as I wait for someone to answer. I glance around me, all the flowers usually brightly dotting the landscaping have disappeared for the winter and the large bushes have become bare without their leaves. But everything about the house is as magnificent as I remember it.
Damon once told me it's because his uncle is an architect and his mom is an interior designer. So naturally they created this beautiful masterpiece as an end result. I'm running my hand over the smooth milky rock of the colossal pillar when the door swings open.
A dirty smirk makes it's way onto Roman's lips as his eyes take me in. "Felicity darling we've talked about this time and time again, when my family's home you can't come over. You scream too loudly; they'll know something's up and we can't have that happen," I push past him and step into the warm home.
I turn around to face Roman as he finishes shutting the door. "Oh baby," I begin, taking a step toward him. "We both know I would never be desperate enough to sleep with you," I finish in a low tone, just loud enough for him to hear but no one else. To a bystander it would look like I'm whispering sweet nothings to him, if only they knew the truth.
Mock hurt paints his features as he clutches his chest like I stabbed him in the heart. I try to ignore the sensation his body heat gives me as he takes another step in my direction. "We both know you secretly want me, I'll admit you've been damn good at hiding it all this time. It must be killing you inside," I scoff at that and push him away.
Air refills my lungs like a glass of icy cold water. His striking irises hold mischievous promise, but before I can say anything a small pitter patter breaks the silence instead. A little girl with waterfall brunette hair curling around her doe-like features appears in the entrance moments later.
The small stuffed bear hanging loosely in her arms is soon forgotten as it falls to the floor and she launches herself at me. Thin arms wrap around my neck in a vice hold and she buries her head into my neck. "Felicity!" She screeches in my ear, I try not to flinch at the loud sound.
I give her a small squeeze back. "Hey kiddo," My heart warms at the gleeful smile coating Maya's features as she pulls away. Her smokey irises, almost identical to her mother's and Damon's, illuminate with the kind of joy only kids seem to possess. The kind that's still untouched by the cruelness of the world, the kind that hasn't been tainted yet.
"I've missed you, why haven't you been around lately," A pout tugs at her lips as I hesitate to answer. A heaviness hangs in the air as the real answer weighs on me like a bag of sand.
But I can't just tell her that her brother tore my heart to shreds and being around her only reopened the wound, so I settle on something safer. "I've been crazy busy, but I'll try to come visit more often," I bite my tongue as the half-lie floats smoothly from my mouth. I will come visit her more, but it's not because I've been busy that I haven't for the past year.
Her eyes grow wide with hope, "Promise," She says seriously and holds her pinky out in agreement.
I smile weakly, "Promise," I respond and link my pinky with hers.
I rub my hands on my jean-clad legs when I feel his presence. It's the craziest fucking thing because he hasn't made an appearance yet, but I swear the air is suddenly overloaded with tension that minutes ago was absent.
My eyes wander to his intense gaze as he materializes at the top of the steps and begins making his way down. Roman shifts awkwardly before coming to my side and taking Maya's tiny hand. "Let's go help mom finish the cookies and let them talk," She nods her head eagerly at the sound of sweet treats and practically drags him out of the room.
Damon rubs the back of his neck as silence blankets the room. "Hey," He says.
My throat burns as confessions claw to get out, but I swallow them down instead, they taste like bitter acid and leave a stinging aftertaste. "Hi."
Author's note:
Hi lovelies!! Okay I know I'm awful, but life's getting way ahead of me nowadays and I'm so so sorry!! Speaking of which with school starting up and girl's tennis season too plus work on top of that I think I'm only going to be updating once a week (most likely on Fridays maybe Saturdays- which do you prefer??). This chapter's kind of a filler and a little slow, but hey Fel and Damon are finally going to talk, should clear everything up, right?
What do you guys think Damon has to say? What do you think of Maya? Love Roman or hate Roman?
Tell me in the comments below and please please do vote if you like this so far!! Your support means everything to me! :) Thanks for reading!! xx