Blake didn't seem to invest much in decorating his room, making the space look cold and intimidating. His desk was situated behind the door with a bookshelf and a cupboard stood next to it. By the large window glass, two chairs were arranged with a round metal table in between. The window faced the office hallway, allowing people to easily peek inside through the frosted window film. At least there was a door, so people couldn't hear our conversation right now.
Blake didn't waste his time when he bumped into me on the stairs. He asked if we could talk and I knew right away how to spend my next hour.
I sat on the guest chair while he stood by the door as if he wanted to make sure we kept a respectful distance like a student and a professor should. With hands inside his pockets, he eyed me with an expression I couldn't decipher. He was just being Blake. Guarded and unreadable.
"I understand you needed space to think, but it's been two weeks, Jennifer. Don't you think I have a right to know what's going on?"
When I craned my neck to look at him, my chest tightened at the thought of how I'd missed him. I missed his dimpled smile, his laugh, his scent, his touch...and I needed to focus on this conversation.
"Did I do something that upset you? As far as I recall, we both enjoyed our time together that night before you became so closed off in the morning." Blake leaned back on the door. "I started to think that you're regretting what we did."
"No. It's not it." I would've done it again if there was a time machine that sent me back to that new year's eve at the Bailey's. The only thing I would have changed was the part when I overheard his phone call with Daphne.
His eyes turned softer. "Then what is it?"
I shifted in my chair, crossing my legs and then uncrossing them again. I'd been debating for days if I should tell him whatever it was. Would I contradict my own statement about his love life wasn't my business?
"I heard you talking on the phone that morning."
Blake frowned. "A phone call?"
"Yes, the one you had with Daffy." I put stress on her nickname. "You two sounded...I don't know...very close. Closer than you've described during our talk earlier that night. And it bothered me more than I thought it would. I just don't like the feeling."
He knitted his eyebrows. "What did you feel exactly?"
I crossed my arms over my chest, looking him straight in the eyes. I caught his gaze following my arms' movement and lingered on my chest for a few seconds before it shifted back to my eyes. "I don't like the fact that you're still very close to your ex. I'm jealous."
"Oh," he replied, running two fingers over his lips. Did he try to hide a smile? Cocky bastard.
"I know I've said that whatever you had with her wasn't my business. Hooking up should be easy; easy in and easy out. No complications. But when I heard the way you talked to her that morning, a realization dawned on me. I became greedy and I wanted more of you. It was just" —I sigh— "not how I planned it." I felt so naked now that I'd put my cards on the table, and relieved at the same time.
"I don't mind if you get greedy," he said as he walked in my direction before sitting on his desk, still keeping his distance. "I just wish you told me sooner instead of waiting for the whole two weeks. You're killing me, Jennifer."
"I wasn't sure if I should tell you this in the first place."
"Well, I'm glad that you did now." Blake smiled as he fixed his gaze on the door. "And I'm relieved that it's not what I thought it was."
"That I regretted sleeping with you?" I scowled myself inwardly once I said it. Even though we were now behind a closed door, saying it out loud here still sounded...inappropriate.
Blake smirked while nodding. "I want this, Jennifer, in case you forgot about it already. And I'm willing to start from any point you want, whatever makes you comfortable. About Daphne, there is nothing to worry about. We might sound too close for your liking but trust me, what we have is all platonic."
The conversation I overheard in the restroom at Bailey's replayed in my head. It was nothing platonic, at least not from Daphne's side. "It's still hard for me to wrap my head around this, Blake. I need to know what's happening between you and her."
Blake stared at me with calculating eyes. "How much do you want to know?"
"As much as you're willing to share."
"Okay. Then I'll start from the very beginning." He extended his legs forwards while his hands gripped the edge of the desk. "I met Daphne when I was in high school. I was having my summer holiday at Garry's beach house, and Daphne was there because Samantha invited her. We met again in college and we became friends instantly. I was a lost boy with family issues, and she was the one who brought me back on track."
"What issues are you talking about?"
"I prefer to go ahead with Daphne's story for now. My teenage problems can wait."
"Okay."
"Daphne was like an angel to me. I thought she had all I needed from a woman because no one treated me like she did. So patient and understanding. With her, everything felt peaceful and under control. Something I hadn't experienced for a while with any girls. In my second year of college, I asked her out." Blake looked down, frowning at his own story. "When I graduated, I went straight to take my doctoral program abroad while she still had one year to finish. We agreed to do the long distance but to give her peace of mind, we decided to make it official."
"Oh. That sounds...convenient."
Blake glanced at me, smiling weakly. "I was only twenty back then and I was still quite fucked up in the head. Give the boy some slacks."
"Sorry," I replied quickly.
"Long story short, we didn't work. The long distance opened my eyes and I came to realize that what I had with her was more like what I wished I'd had with my sister. It lacked the element I should've had in a relationship."
Not wanting to interrupt his story, I raised my eyebrows at his last line.
"I wasn't feeling sexually attracted to her. I mean, we had sex but" —Blake bit his lower lip— "it felt like it was just the thing we should do as a couple, not because I couldn't keep my hands off her. You know what I mean, right?"
The way Blake's eyes bored into mine made my cheeks grow hotter. The blissful night we shared rushed into my head. The way he kissed every inch of my body, the feeling of our skins against each other, and the way he whispered my name while he was inside me prompted me to squeeze my thighs together.
"Don't do that, Jennifer. It's hard enough for me to sit here without being able to touch you," he reminded, almost groaning.
"I didn't...sorry." I cleared my throat before continuing, "I thought she was the one who broke off the engagement. Not you."
"I didn't. I chose to be honest with her and told her my problem. But I never broke my promise to marry her."
Our conversation was interrupted by the footsteps of a group of students in the hall. Three boys passed Blake's office room, one of them peeking at us with a curious look. Blake propped himself up and walked around his desk before settling in his chair.
"So she decided to call it off for you," I concluded.
Blake interlaced his fingers before bringing them over his mouth and nodding. "We finally agreed that we'd rushed the engagement because of my plan to leave the country. But then she wanted us to separate completely. She wanted me to find what I want to do with my life before diving into a serious relationship. She felt that we'd started it off wrong, and I had to agree with her."
Daphne decided to let him go while she was still falling so deeply into him. I felt bad for her after knowing that she'd loved him this much and she probably still did. How long would she wait for him? Would Blake eventually come to his senses and realize that she was the best deal he could ever have?
Another noise came from the hall. The students marched back while busy bickering about something in low voices.
"Now you know who she is to me. She isn't just an ex that I can toss aside and be done with. I owe her my life to some extent." Blake leaned back. "And that morning on the phone, she was feeling down because the guy she dated did nasty things to her."
"Oh my god." I gasped.
"Don't worry about it now. Garry took care of it. He wouldn't dare to come near her again." Blake fixed his gaze on me. "Back to my point, you shouldn't worry about Daphne and me. We can spend some time with her if you want so that you can get to know her better. Then you will see that there is no reason for you to feel jealous."
The more I listened to him the more I disliked the idea of getting to know her. Knowing how kind and considerate she'd treated Blake and how much he valued her made me nervous. It made our casual hookup look small. It made me feel irrelevant.
"I thought we needed to be discreet," I mumbled.
"Lea and Garry know about us. Sam too, probably. Daphne will find out sooner or later. Don't worry, you can trust her."
Trust was a big word. Blake was probably right that I didn't know her. But did I want to get to know her? All I knew is that she hadn't gotten over Blake. Wouldn't I be reading too much into her every gesture every time she was around? It would turn me into a paranoid psycho girl. How I wished I never overheard the conversation at Bailey's ladies' room.
"So, let's go hang out with Daphne and Sam to prove my points. What do you say?"
I opened my mouth, the refusal was right on the tip of my tongue, but I closed it again. When I entered his office room, I thought it would be easy. I was determined to tell him my piece and hear his reaction, then the rest would fall into black or white. Easy decisions. Now that I heard his side of the story, I was stuck in the grey territory, once again.
"I'm not sure. Can I get back to you about this?" I asked.
"Get back to me after two weeks?" Blake lifted one eyebrow.
I flinched. "A few days maybe?"
"Fine." Blake sighed. "But no more two weeks hiding. You'd better not try to kill a man twice, Jennifer."
"I wouldn't dare."
Dean and I were sitting in his jeep as we headed to my place. Unlike this morning when he popped up to surprise me and Nadine, he had gone noticeably tense now, contrasting his reaction when I asked whether something had bothered him.
"Tell me already. What's up with that long face?" I asked again to break the silence in the past five minutes of the ride.
"Just a little problem, no biggie. Don't worry about it," he replied while his eyes were fixed on the road.
"Is it your mom?"
"Nah, she is fine."
It must have been Susie then. I wanted to ask about her but the last time I did, he didn't seem comfortable.
I was still deciding if I should just shoot him the question when he said, "Ma has been asking about you, though."
"Oh." He hit a sour spot and I didn't know how to react.
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as if he noticed that the air around us had switched. "I know it's still a tough topic for you. But I just wanted to say that she would love to talk to you again when...you're ready."
I nodded, avoiding eye contact with him. "Okay." I chose to give him a simple answer since I still didn't want to go down to that topic.
Once we arrived, Dean gawked at my building as he pulled over in my driveway. "Huh? Your flat looks different."
"Yeah, a little renovation. They repainted it and changed the roof. Well, it also changed the rent bills, sadly."
"When did they do it?" he asked before turning off his engine.
"Last summer."
"It hadn't been renovated when I was here last time. Damn, it's been ages."
As we jumped out of his car, I couldn't help thinking about the last time he came to visit. It felt like ages ago when he busted my dad's nose and ended up spending the night at my place.
"You can wait inside. It's cold," Dean said after I handed him my car keys.
I leaned on the backseat door instead, hugging my coat tightly to my body. "Nah, it's fine." I shifted on my feet to prevent my toes from freezing up. "How is Susie?"
"Fine," he replied as he opened my car hood. I thought he was going to elaborate further but after a few minutes went by, there was still nothing from him. I gathered he still didn't want to talk about her. Were they still in the rough patch then?
A sharp wind blew over, sending a prickling sensation on my face. I propped myself up and stomped my feet to combat the coldness.
"Go inside, Jen," he said. "You're going to turn into an ice statue at any minute if you don't. I think I know what the problem is. Need to check a bit more, though."
Tiny snowflakes began to dance in the air. "Fine," I gave in. "I'll make lunch then."
"Good idea."
Blake showed up at my laboratory this afternoon, thirty minutes after Dean popped up to offer me a lift since my car was still undergoing major surgery in the garage. I wasn't done yet with my laboratory job when Dean came, and also, I didn't want to create any problems with Susie. I knew something was up between him and his girlfriend, and I was not going to throw extra fire into it.
When Blake offered me the same thing, I had no excuse to refuse him. In fact, I needed to talk to him.
It had been a few days since Blake and I talked in his office room. I was about to take one or two more days to think through it, but it wouldn't change my decision anyway. It was time to put the never-ending battle between my rational mind and my heart to an end.
We now stood next to each other with our backs leaning on his car's passenger doors. He parked a bit further from my driveway to avoid bumping into Nadine by accident. I hid my hands inside my coat pockets while staring blankly at my boots.
"I've been going back and forth thinking about this. About your offer," I started.
"Have you decided then?"
I nodded. "I'm scared, Blake, but let's do this. Let's meet Samantha and Daphne."
Blake breathed a sigh of relief before sneaking his hand behind my lower back and pulling me to him. He rested his forehead against mine. "I promise there will be no reason for you to be scared."
"I'm sorry I'm complicating simple things."
"I'm not complaining."
I smiled at his words, savoring our intimacy as I fixed my eyes on his lips. Blake tightened his arms around me, pressing our bodies together. Heat radiated from his chest, and my body drank in his warmth eagerly.
When he moved his lips closer, a blinding light blazed in our direction. We spontaneously turned our heads to the source of distraction. The light was off, revealing a familiar brown jeep that stopped behind Blake's black Mercedes. Its driver's door swung open, revealing the person I didn't expect to show up.
"Dean?" I gasped.