I stared at Jack sa malayo. I can't help but to smile behind my mask. He was staring at his phone habang nakaupo na sa usual spot namin sa bar na iyon. We always seem to hang out to this place. Ito lang kasi ang available sa ngayon dahil sa pandemic. He was wearing a black shirt and shorts. I walked towards him.
"Jack!" I called him and gave him a smile kahit na alam ko hindi naman niya iyon nakikita. He was not wearing his mask on kaya nakikita ko ang expression niya. He was staring straight into my eyes. He was not smiling. Para bang he's testing my mood. I thought he would eventually smile at me like he always greet me but instead he asked.
"You good?" He said it like I was really falling apart right now. He knows, I know it. I feel like he knows me inside out. Kahit na hindi ko sabihin sa kaniya kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. He would always guess it right. "What is it?"
"You know I can't tell you when I'm sober," I said. Umupo ako sa tabi niya. He still kept on gazing at me. "Ano?"
Umiling lang siya at kinawayan ang waiter. The waiter gave us a small smile. I think the waiter recognizes us kasi nga palagi kaming nandito. I looked at Jack. He's cute. Funny, but my first impression about him was that he's gay. He is kinda chubby like me with a beer belly. Hindi naman siya ganito a year ago. He likes to jog, but then pandemic happened. He smiles kindly though at anyone. Whenever he smiles nawawala ang nga mata niya. He has this mono-lid eyes. The kindest eyes, I've ever seen in my whole life.
"Nachos and fries? Gusto mo?" tanong sa akin ni Jack.
"Kahit na ano na lang," sabi ko sa kaniya. I am more interested in drinking right now. "But instead of stallion let's go with red horse na liter."
"Okay, yun na lang sa amin. One bottle then nachos and fries," sabi nito sa waiter. Agad naman na tumango ang waiter pagkatapos ilista ang order namin. I caught him staring at me again.
"Ano na naman?" I said, trying to laugh that he looked so concern, but he remains serious.
"I swear, if you will kill yourself. I would find you in hell and kill you again," pagbabanta niya sa akin. I stared at him and smiled. Kinuha ko ang mask ko at nilagay sa purse ko. I rolled my eyes at him.
"Gago, hindi ah. You know I can't do that. Ang nega nito," sabi ko sa kaniya. "Smile ka na. I will tell you everything, okay?"
I pinched both sides of his face and stretched it to force a smile on him.
"Mabuti ng nagkakaliwanagan. By the way, what are you wearing right now?" tanong niya sa akin. I am wearing a black turtle neck shirt and a white shorts and a black sandal. Nothing unusual. Hindi naman ganoon kaikli ang shorts ko.
"Oh! Oh! Ayoko sa lahat pinapakialaman ang damit ko," sabi ko sa kaniya. Inabot niya sa akin ang jacket niya.
"Cover up," he said. I stared at him in disbelief. He wants me to cover up? I am wearing a long sleeve turtle neck shirt at isa pa if he will only look around this is not the sexiest outfit here.
"Ayoko!" I stubbornly said.
"Aalis na ako," sabi niya sabay tayo.
"Ei, heto naman hindi na mabiro. I'll cover it up na po," I said as I put his jacket into my lap. Umupo siya ulit. There were only two people who said I should cover it up. I internally shook my head. I shouldn't be thinking about him when Jack is with me. This is becoming unhealthy.
Back to Jack, this is one of the things I love about him. He sometimes acts as a big brother to me. He sometimes acts as a father. Then sometimes he acts like my boyfriend, but we are just friends. I don't feel anything towards him, but gratefulness and appreciation. Sabi ko nga sa kaniya, I could give him whatever he ask me since he's been a very loyal friend. He respect and doesn't judge me. I appreciate those people who's honest and loyal to me. He also accepts me for who I am but sometimes it feels weird you know to be treated this special by someone. He lives two hours away from here. One text from me saying that I need him. Wala siyang pag-aalinlangan na pumunta dito. He has work tonight pero umabsent siya for me. Isn't that so sweet? Kaya nga the things I could give to this guy for being here with me but this isn't weird naman, right? He's too good to me. I know I shouldn't think anything wrong, but sometimes I wonder if he feels something towards me because if this is me, I wouldn't come all the way here just to drink with a friend. I'm thankful still that he is inviting and including me wherever he go.
Ugh! Stop overthinking! I said to myself. That's just what I think sometimes, but I think this is just his character. He's really just a good person. I would really be sad if he says that he likes me more than what we have. He's just a friend to me. Isa pa, he knows I'm attracted to someone else.
"Ano na naman ang rason mo sa girlfriend mo para makapunta dito?" I asked him. He laughed at my question.
"Sabi ko pinatawag ako ni OM at may meeting ang team," he said. I laughed at what he said.
"Hoy, gago ka talaga!" sabi ko sa kaniya. "Mabuti naman at naniwala?"
He nodded his head. This is the reason why he's just a friend to me. I know his background and I know why he's trying to make it work with her. Alam ko kung ano ang kwento niya. He said he always feels like his actions were calculated at home. He can never be himself.
That is just so like him, he can never be tamed. He always wants to be free. The more you choke him, the more he wants to be free. He's free-spirited. He's wild. I've seen it multiple times. He has different kinds of friends. I liked to stay at home. He wants to be always out. Dining, hanging out, visiting places, drinking with his friends, exercising. Any activities that includes going out. He is always on-the-go. He never bores me. Then sometimes nagdududa rin ako kung bisexual ba siya or ano.
Eh, bakit si ano? You are still attracted to him even though he's also... I almost groaned at what I thought. It's different, okay? Jack is just a friend while Nate confuses me. Hindi ko mapinpoint kung bakit he matters and for some reason he motivates, angers, energize me and whatnot. When I talk to Nate it's weird. I never find it boring. Kahit na wala kaming sinasabi sa isa't-isa. Makita ko lang siya okay na ako. I feel like one hour of conversation to him is just five minutes. It's never enough. Ugh, no this is about Jack. What am I thinking? I need to concentrate on Jack.
"Oo, wala naman siyang magagawa kundi ang maniwala eh," he said. Natahimik ako sa sinabi niya and did not comment on anything. I don't wanna dwell on that topic. Agad niya akong sinalinan ng beer sa baso. Agad ko naman na ininum iyon.
"Hapon na ako nagtext sa'yo," sabi ko sa kaniya. "I wasn't expecting that you will be here talaga. I thought ginu-goodtime mo lang ako."
"You know I never bluff," sabi niya. "Pagsinabi kong pupunta ako. I always keep my word."
That's true. One great qualities that he has is how he keeps his words. Kung sasabihin niyang gagawin niya ang isang bagay or if he promise something to you he always keep it.
"That's true," but why? I wanted to ask him but instead I just smiled at him. "Salamat."
"You seem angry?" sabi niya sa akin.
"Ha? Ako?" sabi niya sa akin. Tumango siya. "Hindi ah."
He rolled his eyes on me.
"Tayong dalawa lang dito maglolokohan pa ba tayo? I know you. You always wear heavy makeup only when you are sad or angry at someone. You always put heavy makeup sa mga mata mo para itago ang lungkot or ang galit," sabi niya sa akin. "You know that this isn't the first time I saw you like this. Kapag maaalala ko kung ano ang masasakit na salitang sinabi ng kapatid mo sa'yo. Nagagalit pa rin ako eh. She doesn't have any respect---"
"Jack, it's been a year na. We moved on. Okay na naman kami eh," sabi ko sa kaniya. Bumuntong-hininga ito.
"But still. Ang hirap kasi sa'yo you are always good. Masyado kang mababait sa mga taong hindi naman deserve ang kabaitan mo," sabi niya. "You have to fight sometimes. You always get hurt by being mindful to other people pero hindi naman nila iniisip ang nararamdaman mo. Relationships whether it be romantic or not should come in both ways. Hindi na ikaw lang ang palaging nagcocompromise."
I think of him as my confidant and my best friend. He thinks I'm too kind and selfless. Yep, the word there is TOO. He wants me to speak up my mind. Ilang beses na akong iniinsulto ng mga kaibigan namin ng harap-harapan pero tumatawa lang ako. I don't find it insulting but he always gets angry for me. Kahit na hindi naman kailangan eh. Kaya I always feel safe when he's with me. I know he will always be on my side.
The truth is I'm like a sponge. I have sponge for every person I met. It depends on how important they are to me. The more important the person is, the more I can put up with the pain and anger. Sadly, that's my family. That's also a story of me that he knows.
With other people, I tend to take up all the bullshit but not too long. There are two things that I do. It's either I don't talk to you (same as if I'm hurt) or I explode. The last one is the worst part about me. Jack never saw me angry kaya nasasabi niya na masyado akong mabait. Kapag kasi galit ako, I can't think of anything else but to destroy that person. I want to wreck them mentally and emotionally. I tend to put salt on their weaknesses. That's how I get angry. They get depressed. Two people got me that angry. It was my ex and one of my cousins. There are just two things though that triggers that kind of emotion to me. Being disrespected and disloyalty as a person. Two big things.
If I gave you respect and loyalty as a person then I expect you to give me the same treatment. No buts. No what if. If that respect turns into mocking and that you aren't loyal to me as a friend then that's it. I won't talk to you.
I have this so called fake friend, Ayesha. I was kind to her. I thought she considered me as a friend, I hate it when I'm wrong about a certain person. I thought she's a friend, but turns out she's not. Well, if ever she was. She isn't anymore. She acts shitty. I could see the facade and fake-ness she's hiding when she looks and talk to me. I know she has this prejudice about girly stuff. She said she hates it when she introduce herself the first day I met her. I'm all that she hates. She hates pink. Pink is my favorite color, but despite that I thought that maybe she's not that bias with her opinion about me since I was genuine to her.
I still remember how I helped her. How I was there for her when I first met her? She had this secret. She doesn't know who to run to beat me at that time. I helped her. Did she forget that part? That somewhere along the way, she ran to me. I think she did. She somehow sees me as a competition now to Nate's attention and I hate it. She was my friend before Nate. She was like a bridge for me and Nate and I will be forever grateful to her for that. Although, Nate and I often talk, she should know that when in terms of the hierarchy then, she was my priority. Nate is second, but somehow along the way something happened. She moves herself away from me.
You could tell and feel if people are just faking it with you. I think it started when Nate and I started to get close. I think the prejudice intensified when Nate started to have lunch with me. I didn't noticed it at first.
It just started to bother me when I heard them talking about Nate and me in the comfort room. They were asking Ayesha about the deal between me and Nate. They didn't know I was at the back listening to them. That's when I started to notice the stares. That's when I started to know that they are making a simple conversation as an issue.
Ayesha started to look at us disgustingly when Nate and I are together at lunch. Her smile wavered. She always stares at both of us and then she will try to gain Nate's attention. She will just talk to him not me, but then Nate doesn't notice that. She would quietly go away. I can't confront her about it because I know that would make the friendship go into drain.
Instead, I did a mistake. I asked an asshole about it. It was Jack. Not this Jack that I am with. The other ASSHOLE Jack. I asked him if Ayesha said something about us and Nate or if Ayesha feel something towards Nate. He did not say anything and was just fucking phishing. Like he was confirming from me if something is going on between me and Nate. He said there are rumors, but he did not say who said those. He then said he would not tell a soul. He promised. My ass. He bluffed. I told him I would take his word that she did not say anything against us when I clearly heard it in the comfort room. I know I was lying to myself, but I gave them a benefit of the doubt. I know Jack is kinda asshole. He's also another story I should tell next time.
I was surprised to receive a chat from Ayesha that afternoon confronting me supposed to be a secret between me and the asshole. I was cornered. I told her what I feel. Of course, she denied it. I felt kinda guilty and I said sorry. I shouldn't have said sorry then. She was a bitch, but I lowered my pride for the friendship. That's when I got hurt because I know now where I stand with the friendship I have with them. I want to confront him about it, but she requested that I do not. That's the first, disloyalty I experienced from them. I have trusted the asshole Jack. That's also the time that I have made up my mind that I'm okay as long as Nate is with me. Yeah, as long as he's talking to me. At least I have a friend in that lonely company.
After that, I thought our relationship will lighten up but it went darker. She then started to rub that off my face. On how I was the bitch for thinking something wrong about her. I thought it was really my fault and that I was just overthinking. She started giving me that mocking look.
One instance is that when Nate girlfriend came over. It was so fucking uncomfortable for me. Yeah, I feel like I did something wrong kahit na wala naman talagang something sa amin ni Nate but still... Oh! When I remember Ayesha's mocking laugh, I just wanted to smack her face. It was as if she finds it funny, I don't. She had the nerve to mock me then in the chat room. Does she think I won't get it?
After that I started to feel left out for some reason. She started sabotaging me to my colleagues. It was weird. I don't want to accuse her of doing it. If ever she sees me close to someone or talk to them, she tends to want their attention too, like I was some sort of competition. Like she wants everyone to see that she's better than me in any way. I don't mind that at all but then she started leaving me out of their plans. She started ignoring me. She will just talk to me when Nate is around. Na para bang ayaw niyang makita ni Nate ang ginagawa niya sa akin. Kaya, I started to ignore her too, but the difference is I don't care if Nate is around. I was still trying to make it casual to her. If she talks to me, I will talk to her. If she will not, then I won't. I won't even look her way.
Nate knows how I feel towards our colleagues, but he doesn't know who it was. I can't tell Nate about all of these. I don't want him to feel like he has to do something just because I am not okay with his friends. I don't want him to feel like he has to choose. I don't want him to be affected by his friend's problem with me. That is just so wrong. Ayoko na parang nagsusumbong ako sa kaniya. They are good to him. I don't want him to go sour with them just because I am uncomfortable.
I realized now that Ayesha also likes Nate. I swear, my instinct tells me she also likes Nate. I had the same feeling when the other girl likes Nate. It's the exact same gut that I feel. She's manipulative and toxic but still, I let her be. I know she talks about Nate and I behind our back with my other colleagues. I know from the meaningful stare they both share with the trainer we had back then. I know she's stabbing me behind my back, but I still can't tell Nate. I know she only has a problem with me. I don't want to tell him. I will not pinpoint names.
But earlier, pakiramdam ko harap-harapan na akong pinagkakaisahan nilang dalawa ng isa pang nagkakagusto kay Nate. It was pissing me off. The sponge slowly filled with anger and hurt at nasabi ko sa sarili ko na sobra na. Tama na. I can't tolerate bullshit anymore.
I told Jack about this. He said I should just resign since it was stressing me out. He knows all about these stories in detail. Heck, I think he would know who's who even though hindi niya pa nakikita ang mga ito.
Napahawak ako sa lamesa ng biglang umikot ang pakiramdam ko. This familiar feeling that I have whenever I get drunk.
"Okay ka lang?" tanong ni Jack sa akin. Tumango ako.
"Yes," I said. "How can you hate someone base on your misconception about them? How can you hate someone just because she wears clothes like a slut?"
"You know you are not like that," he said.
"B-but that's what they all think," sabi ko sa kaniya. I felt like crying.
"Magresign ka na," he said firmly.
"I can't--"
"Stop! Magresign ka na. I know you are attached with the guy but he's not worth it," he said to me.
Napainom ako ulit ng beer. This is confusing me. I wanted to let go because it's toxic pero I can't seem to resign because of Nate. I am staying because of him. I should have been in another city already but here I am staying in this place. The plan was to do AWOL but then I met Nate. I can't seem to go.
"Ewan ko Jack," sabi ko sa kaniya. I sighed.
"Why would you compromise yourself just for him? Are you in-love?!" napalakas na sabi nito.
"Please lang ha? You know it's not like that," sabi ko sa kaniya. How can he easily say the word in-love? That's like a forbidden word for me. My standards are high when in comes with love.
"You want to have sex with him? Is that it?" he said calmly but was staring at my eyes. I have to avoid my gaze.
"Uhmmmm..." Yes, I want to say pero hindi ko naman masabi. Baka iwan pa ako dito ni Jack. It's not just sex though but ewan ko. Nate confuses me. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko sa kaniya. I'm so drawn towards him. I don't know why. I'm not in-love for sure but it's weird. This is something I never felt to anyone before but I know my limitations though. Alam ko but that feeling that it's okay lang sa akin. Ah, ewan ko. Naguguluhan ako.
"Ella!!" he said.
"Jack, I don't know," I said. This is my dilemma. With Nate, I don't know what I will do. I was surprised when Jack suddenly reaches out for my hand. Gulat na gulat ako. He never held my hand. Ano 'to? "L-lasing ka ba?"
He laughed without humour.
"Hindi. I was just thinking that if you want we could go to Manila together. Bigger city. I could accompany you to those places you would like to go. Sasamahan kita," he said it like it was a promise. I stared at him and my heart was still beating fast from the surprise that I felt. It started to make me feel uncomfortable.
"J-Jack..." No, gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya. This is getting strange.
"Ella, don't you think you have to explore the world?" he said.
"H-Ha?"
"Like to visit other places. Go out of your comfort zone," sabi niya sa akin. "You don't need to be sentimental and stick around for some guy."
The truth is I am not into drinking a year ago, but when the incident happened with my sister last year. Jack was the only person I can run to. I have come to get used to it now. He was a bad influence, I know, but he also saved me somehow for always being here whenever I felt so alone in this city.
"Pag-iisipan ko Jack," I said but the truth is if I will go then I will go alone. He should stay here where his family is at. Pasimple kong inilayo ang kamay ko.
"If you want, I can make a call there. Marami akong kaibigan. We can get an apartment if you want," sabi niya. Is he drunk? Nakadalawang bote pa lang kaya kami. What is this?
"We?" sabi ko.
"Did you forget that we almost lived together this year sana. Kung hindi lang nangyari ang pandemic," he said. It's true. Dapat kukuha kami ng isang bahay at titira doon. Not just him though but with some other friends hindi nga lang nangyari dahil sa covid.
"Oo, pag-iisipan ko Jack," I said.
"And forget the guy. He doesn't like you, okay?" he said dismissively.
"Okay," I said at tumango sa kaniya. Alam ko naman iyon eh. Nate only sees me as a friend. Jack just wants to let me see the truth. Even though for some reason the pull towards Nate is so strong, I'm already getting exhausted. Gusto ko ng peace of mind. I don't wanna see and hear anything from anyone totoo man o hindi.
We drank until 11 pm. That bar closes at 9 pm pero marami pa ang umiinom. I enjoyed it. As usual, Jack had some interesting stories to tell. He made me forget that I was feeling down temporarily. Hinatid niya ako sa labas ng building ng apartment ko. He looked at the curtain of my window on the third floor. He knows where my room is it was the room at the top with a glass window na makikita mo agad kahit nasa labas ka.
"Thanks for tonight, Jack," Bumaba agad ako sa motorsiklo niya. Hinubad niya ang helmet niya.
"Ella?" tawag niya sa akin.
"Hmm?"
"You are destroying yourself Ella. It's not your fault people don't like you. It's their problem because you are not like them," sabi niya. I gave him a small smile at bumuntong-hininga. Namayani ang katahimikan sa aming dalawa. "I was just thinking what if magkaagusto ako sa'yo?"
"Ano?" gulat na sabi ko sa kaniya.
"What if lang naman," sabi niya at ginulo ang buhok ko.
"Psh, as if naman," sabi ko sa kaniya. He just smiled at me.
"Fight them back, Ella," sabi niya. "Curse them. Kill them in your mind if that'll make you at peace. Show them you are angry. Don't let them step on you. You don't need to keep it all you know?"
"They will hate me for reacting," I said.
"They already don't like you. At least intimidate them na hindi ka basta-basta," he said.
"Kailan ka ba babalik at titira dito sa siyudad?" I said.
"You know I already requested pero hindi pa pwede. Baka next year and we will plan the vacation in Bantayan na matagal na nating pinaplano," sabi niya.
"Jack, gusto mo talaga ako no?" I asked him and laugh. It was just a joke.
"Yes, I like you Ella. Why would I come here to be with you?" sabi niya. Napatitig ako sa kaniya. Agad natigil ang pagtawa ko. q
"Hold up, hold up. Hold that shit up!" I said at itinaas ang kamay ko para pigilan siya. I'm becoming nervous. My heart was racing fast from what he said. No! "Jack alam mo naman na wala akong gusto---"
"Alam ko," he said while smiling. It was a sad smile. Oh, I don't want to see him sad.
"Do you want to have sex? Iyon ba 'to?" sabi ko sa kaniya.
"Did you really think that's the only thing I want from you? I've known you for more than a year now. You never saw me make a move on you," sabi niya sa akin.
"Why not?" I stupidly asked.
"Do you want to?" sabi niya. Lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ang braso ko. He started walking towards the gate. "Room 301, diba? Let's go."
"Gago ka ba! What's wrong with you? You are acting out of character!" inis na sabi ko sa kaniya. Bakit ako naiinis?
"You are obviously liking someone who doesn't like you Ella," sabi niya. "It's making me anxious. Paano kung---"
"You know I'm just attracted to him," sabi niya.
"It's more than just an attraction, Ella!" sabi niya. "The way you describe him is what I feel about you!!"
"What?" hindi makapaniwalang sabi ko. I stared at him.
"Ako yung nandito," Jack said. "I am always here for you then why can't you at least see me that way."
"You are my best friend!"
"I am not! I am your fling!" he said. He looked at me with so much pain in his eyes. Surprised is an understatement. Iyon ba 'to? I told him a million times that I don't feel anything towards him. Is this the reason why he's kind to me but I'm positive that I have made it clear. I made my intention clear. He was just a friend to me.
"You have a family!" sabi ko sa kaniya.
"I know and that's fucked up," sabi niya.
"What do you want me to do Jack?" sabi ko sa kaniya. I felt like crying.
"Wala," sabi niya.
"Jack naman eh," sabi ko sa kaniya. "I don't want to lose you but I can't hurt you. I never saw you as a fling or MU or anything. You are the sweetest Jack that I know. You are my best friend. "
"I know and that sucks because I feel something towards you Ella. Hindi mo ba nakikita ang effort ko?" he asked.
I do, but I thought--- I wanted to say out loud but chose to be quiet. Am I dense? Ganoon na ba ako ka-naive para hindi lagyan ng malisya or was I also in-denial because I clearly felt it sometimes but I am not considering the thought.
"Jack naman eh," sabi ko. Lumapit ako sa kaniya. He smiles sadly at me. He kissed me on my forehead.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Natitrigger lang siguro ako kasi may gusto kang ibang lalaki but don't worry I understand, Ella." sabi niya.
"Jack naman eh."
"I just don't want to see you hurt. " sabi niya. "Just remember that you know you have to resign now. At least for you peace of mind."
With that, he left me standing outside my apartment building. That's the last thing that I heard about him. He did not contacted me ever since. It's been two days and I know I should give him some space pero it's making me anxious and hurt. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. I don't wanna lose him but I don't want him to think that I like him more than a friend. I can't offer him more than what we have now. Although, I said that I could give him anything but not my... heart. Jack, I'm sorry.