"-er what I do, everything turns to shit! I always end up fucking up, or fucking myself up..!"
Flailing my hands about above me as I laid down, Levi watched me with his chin in his palm, taking a small swig from the bottle he had confiscated from me.
"I wouldn't say that. What I did say, however, was that I would throw you into the fire if you started this drunk rambling shit."
Letting my arms fall limp, I sighed, my upper half growing colder now that it was further away from the fireplace.
"I'm not drunk...it was just enough to pop the top off my filter..." I mumbled, staring up at the cobwebbed ceiling.
"Look, I get the feeling that you're yammering away, but avoiding the one thing you really do want to talk about. Spit it out, boozehound."
My eyes narrowed for all but a second before I gave up, internally admitting that he was right. It wasn't exactly a single thing, but they all connected.
"I just...wanna know what's so bad about me..?" Levi shifted a little to face me more, half of his face glowing by firelight.
"I don't quite get what you mean."
Grunting as I sat up, I again pulled my knees to my chest, blanket bunching by my lips as I spoke.
"Everyone I know...who I care about...dies...or leaves..." I murmured, suddenly a lot quieter than I had been moments before. "Winnie didn't even...I mean, there has to be something...I just wanna know why. It feels like a curse..."
Or it's just me...
"D..Dimitri died...because of me...Eld died in my..my place...Marco, Petra, Oluo, Gunther, Mike, Nicho...Reiner just...ended up..." I trailed off, roughly brushing my loose (H/C) hair out of my face. "Everyone I get close to gets killed, or worse...and I don't wanna see it anymore. I..I wanna fix whatever's wrong with me..."
Levi took another swig, larger this time, the hollow bubbling of the alcohol louder than the storm outside.
"The only thing wrong with you is the fact that you think there is something wrong with you..." He started, wiping the glistening residue from his lips, eyes on mine. "Dimitri died because of his father. The others were murdered by Titans. Reiner...Look, I'll agree, you've had poor luck, but to think that any of those instances were your fault is idiotic."
Shaking my head, I tried to ball myself up more, scooting just a little closer to the warming glow.
"You don't get it...I..I know people die every day...but...I just...the guilt...each and every one of them...I could have stopped them happening, and I-"
"You think you're the only person who feels guilty, (Y/N)?" Levi cut in, averting his eyes once he had my attention. "I've watched hundreds of good men and women die. Most of which I have had to leave behind. I've been carrying the weight of what if for years..."
What if..?
Sighing, the ravonet closed his eyes, head dipping slightly as his hands closed tighter around the bottle.
"Years ago, I was hired by a nobleman to kill Erwin. Back then, I was scum of the underground, and myself and my two comrades...friends...were promised above ground citizenship if we could pull it off and retrieve some valuable information..."
He had my eyes and ears, and I sat there in silence, waiting for him to continue. Levi had never opened up like this before, and it was a heavy experience.
"I infiltrated the Scout Regiment, alongside my friends, Farlan and Isabel. We attempted what we had been asked, and every waking moment, I had my sights set on Erwin. I wanted to kill him, so they could live in the sunlight..."
Levi...
"Honestly, for the longest time, I had never wanted anything more...but...I could never do it. On an expedition, the one I intended to use as bait to get to him...resulted in the deaths of my friends. If I hadn't left them, so selfishly...they would have lived. They were family to me..." The emotion in his voice was real, and it struck me right in the core.
Shifting closer to him, I reached out, hand hovering over his bare shoulder.
"Levi, that...it wasn't selfish...It wasn't you-" I squeaked out as he grasped my wrist, squeezing just hard enough to keep it in place.
"Then none of the deaths you spoke about are your fault, either."
I didn't believe him, not even a little bit, but there was something in the sound of his voice that kept me from voicing that aloud. At least directly.
"I just...don't feel safe getting close to anybody anymore..." I confessed, my wrist going limp, still in his hold as I used my other hand to take the bottle back.
"So, you're saying that I...we...make you feel unsafe..?" Levi questioned, cautiously releasing me, hand sinking back to his own lap. Taking a long gulp, throat burning, I shook my head at the same time, having to gasp for breath after swallowing.
"No...that's the problem..." I admitted, discarding the drink carefully to my side. "You make me feel the safest...which is terrifying...To me, it just looks like a death marker..."
Between us, there was a long silence, the only sound apart from the crackling flames being the low rumbles of thunder outside. The air world surrounding our glowing bubble was cold, and it tasted earthy with each breath. It was almost calming.
"I get it. Why do you think I keep my distance from people?"
Glancing over to him, I tilted my head, visualising the fuzziness falling out and away so it would clear.
"Because you hate everyone?" Personally, I thought it was a valid answer, and Levi's lips twitched up ever so slightly.
"For the most part, yes, but it's also because I don't want to go through what I did with Farlan and Isabel again. I've always kept my distance, but the one time I didn't, everything fell apart..."
I wanted to console him somehow, but I wasn't sure how to go about it. For months, I had yearned to see this vulnerable side of Levi, but now that I was, it hurt.
"Then why d-"
"But..." Stopping me, he shifted again, facing me completely now, posture straight. "...I don't regret my time with them, not for a moment. Because they're no longer here, do you regret the time you had with your brother? With Eld? The others?"
All I could do was slowly shake my head, lost in his words. Never, not once, could I ever regret knowing them, even if I tried to.
"N..no...No, I loved them..." I murmured, feeling a familiar sting at the corners of my eyes. Levi bent his knee, resting his arm and looking at me expectantly.
"Then stop trying to detach yourself from others."
You don't understand...You don't get it..!
I allowed my emotions, along with the tingling sensation of light intoxication, to take control, and I lunged forward, blanket falling from my lap as I nearly knocked him backwards in an embrace. Burying my face in the crook of his shoulder, I clung to him tightly, uncaring of our lack of cover.
"If I don't stop loving you, you'll die..!" I cried, nails trying to cling to non-existent material on his back. "If I d..don't stop loving everyone...they'll all end up..." The way Levi's arms immediately closed tightly around me was almost enough to crush me, and I felt his breath skip, just once.
"I'm not going to sugar coat it. There's a chance that we'll die. We all will, one way or another. You've got to quit trying to protect yourself like this, girl..." Levi murmured close to my ear, and I clung tighter, almost as if I were trying to choke him with my arms around his neck.
"Then why do you?! Why do you get to stand alone and protect yourself like that?!"
A sharp pain spread from my scalp as my hair was grabbed, tearing my head away from the man's shoulder. Face to face, I froze completely upon seeing his expression. Eyes burning, teeth clenched, half shadowed and half glowing before me.
"Because if I let myself love you, then that's it! It's over for me..!"
If you...what..?
A bright flash of lightning lit the cottage completely for all but a moment, and I saw the pain in his eyes. The complete and utter despair.
"I never thought I could feel that way about anyone again, in any sense, but then you came along! I have things to die for! I can't cope with having something to live for..!"
As I panted from my sobs, and he from his outburst, thunder clashed all around us, the silence heavy in its wake. Levi's hand still held me by the hair, the pain of it fading to a dull ache, one I could bear. What I couldn't handle, however, was the overwhelming urge that washed over me.
As I couldn't move, I reached my hands out, cupping his cheeks before dragging him to me, connecting our lips more roughly than the usual me would have liked. The flinch ran through him like the shockwave of an explosion, and I felt the hitch of his throat, but I didn't pull back.
I knew the alcohol I had ingested had had a hand in my actions, but that wasn't all of it. I cared for Levi, more than I should have. If it was that type of love or not, perhaps I would one day decide, but in that moment, I just wanted to be close to him. To feel both safe and vulnerable alongside him.
Levi was the one to cease first, but he didn't move away, his lips grazing cautiously against mine. I could feel the beat of his heart against my own chest, and it was faster than mine was, easily.
"Did you...even hear a word I just said..?" He muttered, his bitter tone a complete contradiction to his expression, which seemed a mix of distraught and something I couldn't quite pin. "You stupid fucking woman..."
His hand in my hair relaxed, though it remained, tangling through damp strands as he pulled me back in. Yet another contradictory move. It was far different to the kisses, both innocent and otherwise, I had ever experienced. Levi was almost ravenous as he held me close, tongue subduing mine as it joined the mix.
The man swallowed my gasp as he rocked me backwards, half of my exposed skin on the blanket, the other falling victim to the sharp cold of damp wooden floorboards. As I pathetically squeaked with each lash of attention, Levi remained quiet, though his breath was heavy.
Finally untangling his hand, he moved one to my hips as he leaned closer into me, on top of me, the other arm bending beside my head to brace himself on the floor. Somewhere along the line, he had moved my legs to either side of him, which I hadn't noticed, so when I felt that first heavy grind of his sex against mine, I likely sounded like a pathetic, startled animal.
"Le...vi..!" I called his name between broken kisses, each one harder and more passionate than the last, and he grunted, pausing as his throbbing, hardened crotch pressed firmly against me.
"Any complaints..?" He asked, not moving a single muscle under his control until I shook my head once, instantly resuming his lewd affections.
I had done this kind of thing with Eld before, so why did I feel so clueless? Why was it so different? My late fiance had been so tender and gentle, whilst Levi was so...domineering, and almost violent. Still, every one of his actions was overflowing with sincere emotion and truth.
When his hand first cupped my breast, squeezing tight, I almost pushed him away, but his forceful kneading quickly had me pressing up into him, wordlessly begging for more. No matter how loud or fierce the storm raged outside, I could barely hear anything apart from whatever came from the captain.
Is this okay..? Can this really happen...without losing him later on..?
"Lift your hips." It was an order, I knew that in an instant, but for once in my life I followed without a second thought. Once doing so, Levi nearly bent me in two, the stiffened bulge of his cock rubbing perfectly against a dangerous part of my anatomy. "That's my good girl..."
Shuddering by the silken timbre of his voice, I instinctively arched my back, recieving a harsh exhalation in return instead of a vocalisation. When my body dropped back to the floor, I took the momentary break between the connection of our lower bodies to slip my hand inbetween, palm almost burning as it pressed against his covered erection.
The beginnings of a stifled moan cracked through Levi's throat, but he shielded his ego with a vicious kiss, the vibration of the tail end travelling down my throat. He copied me with his hands, though it was becoming increasingly obvious that he was more daring than I.
Fingertips slipping past the barrier of my waistband, my excess of slick didn't seem to shock him in the slightest as he began to assault the area between my open legs. My bloodstream seemed to contain more flames than the fireplace beside us as he kissed and touched me, not once hesitating or lacking in passion.
Maybe coming out here wasn't a mistake after all..?
Mouth agape, my head tilted back, but he followed, not allowing me to escape his barrage of fiery kisses. Feeling the heat of his cock against my hand had my mind reeling, and I allowed him to take complete control. Control suited him.
"Look at what you've done to me..." He panted, a string of saliva connecting us as he pulled back. "This is dangerous..." Still, he didn't hesitate in pressing his fingers inside of me, curling them into just the right angle to make me whine out his name. I wanted more of him, more of someone, and I began to mentally blank as the knot in my pelvis began to tighten.
As he worked on my pleasure, my hand dragged from his member to join my other on his back, nails scraping hard against his bare skin, hot to the touch.
"L..Le..Levi...please..!" I cried out, body seeming to move with each curl of his fingers. "...P..please...Sir..!"
All movement halted immediately, and Levi pulled back a little, wide-eyed and staring into my glazed eyes with something foreign hidden behind them.
"Sir..?"
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***Ayeeeeeee
Next Time: Sweat***