I completely spaced out after hearing those words.
"My daughter."
It wasn't until I was seated upon the sofa, levi by my side and those awful women nowhere in sight that I so much as blinked.
"Listen, (Y/N)...I think an apology is in o-" Erwin silenced himself as I held up my hand, silently telling him to wait.
I had a lot to take in. His words could have likely been a ruse, but if that had been the case, then why had my mother turned so pale? Why had she left immediately? Why did Erwin look nervous for once?
I think I'm gonna be sick...
"S..so...let me get this straight..." I finally broke the silence, tenting my hands over my mouth and nose as I avoided all eye contact. "You're my...dad..? My real dad..?" Thinking it was one thing, but saying it out loud made it that much more shocking. Even Levi seemed speechless as he sat motionless beside me.
"Yes, I'm your biological father..." Erwin confirmed, choosing to stand rather than sit across from us. Bending over a little more, I stared at the floor, unsure of how to react.
"H..how, exactly..?" It was a stupid question, but I wanted to know everything before my brain chose my route of response.
Standing by his desk, Erwin looked down at the stacks of papers and quills, toying with the tied end of his right sleeve.
"When I was a young man, I met your mother during a visit to the Wall Maria garrison barracks. I was already aquainted with Clifford, and I knew she was his wife, but as shallow as I was back then, I thought she was rather striking..."
Disgusting...
"She, of course, realised that fact, and after a few too many drinks one evening, one thing lead to another...and eight months later, you were born." He continued, not daring to face me quite yet. "I recall having the life beaten out of me by her husband. I knew I deserved it, but after the fact...I just had to request some kind of arrangement."
Closing my eyes, I waited for him to keep going, holding my tongue between my teeth.
"You see, Clifford and your mother hadn't...had relations for months prior to her pregnancy. It was obvious, as he had seen the way I had looked at her. If people had discovered what had occurred, then his family name would be soiled."
Levi must have honed in on the question circling my mind, and he crossed one leg over the other, leaning forward a little.
"So, an arrangement was made..?" Nodding, Erwin moved from his desk to stand behind his armchair.
"Yes. I would be permitted to visit you on occaision, but never claim you as my own. I swore to keep Linnea's infidelity a secret, otherwise he insisted he would end your life. Then mine. Back then, I was young, and the gravity of the situation just didn't seem to fall upon me. I agreed to his terms...not to save my own life, but yours..."
Letting my hands drop to my lap, I still avoided his eyes, choosing to stare at the hard wood of the table in front of me.
"You never thought to tell somebody..? To report him for his threats..? You really thought I'd be better off with a man who was prepared to kill me to save face..?" I truly felt sick to my stomach, but I didn't cling to Levi like part of me wanted to. This wasn't something he could help me with.
"Back then, I was no commander. I was third in command of a small squad. Nobody would have ever taken my word above someone of his rank..." He sounded so disgusted with himself, and I squeezed my eyes shut again.
You didn't even try...
"When I first saw you, I-"
"No..!" Jumping up, startling both men, I vaulted over the table and around the armchair, laying my closed fists into Erwin's chest as I shook my head frantically. "Everything was your fault..! You left me with them..! You left me to rot under the hand of that bastard..! You're the reason..!"
I tried to fight against him as his hand took hold of my cheek, and I was ready to lash out even more, but when I caught sight of those eyes, glossy with real emotion, I froze.
"When I first saw you...I finally found a reason to keep fighting. Every part of me wanted to keep fighting for you, and your future, (Y/N)...even if I wasn't a part of it..."
I was only partially aware of Levi as he stood up and slipped past us, leaving the room in silence. Teaes began to well in my eyes, and I stood there, helpless once again.
"I..I don't care about any of that..." I whimpered, stuck between stepping back or forward. "All I ever wanted...was a parent who cared about me...who wanted me...who didn't hu-"
"If I had known, then I would have done anything in my power, (Y/N)!" It was obvious he didn't mean to yell, and he quickly lowered his voice. "Nobody told me. You never said a word, neither did Dimitri. You never had visible bruises when I saw you. If I had known, I would have killed that man myself."
Ignorance is no excuse...
I had no idea what to do, or what to say. It was true, he had always been around, one of the few happy glimmers of my childhood, but I couldn't help but think of what could have been if he had taken responsibility. I may have been normal. Dimitri may have still been alive.
"You just...thought that popping up every few months...bringing me toys, patting my head...was enough..? You never once thought to actually be a father..? Even after you outranked him...you never even once thought to try and take me away..?" It could never have been that simple, I knew that, but I had to be selfish in that moment.
Never before had I seen such emotion on Erwin Smith's face. He was teary eyed, and sincere in every form, and it caused my chest to ache.
"Every day. Every damn day, (Y/N). By the time I was in any position to make any claim that would he acknowledged, you were gone. Nobody told me, for weeks, but the moment I found out, I looked everywhere for you...inside and outside of the walls...but there was no trace..."
He reached forward to wipe away my tears, and I allowed it, staring into his chest instead of his eyes. His reasons were far beyond my understanding, but at the same time, part of me seemed to get it. It hurt, but things had changed. He had been the one to cruelly give me a life I had never asked for, yet he had also been one of the few to pick me up and give me a chance at living.
Again, I allowed him to touch me, pulling me into his chest and wrapping his arm, and what was left of the other, around me.
"I...don't know what the fuck to think. I need time..." I murmured, just leaning against him as he held me.
"I understand...I just want you to know that I always have loved you. Even if I have been the worst father...ever since the moment I first held you in my arms...I've loved you..."
Closing my eyes and choosing to loosely hug him back, I tried to calm myself down, my typical defence against emotional trauma rising back up to make a mockery of the situation.
"I'm so freaking glad I didn't inherit that eyebrow gene..."
-----------------------------------------------
"That's..." Armin stared at me in shock as I sat across the table, leaning back on my wooden chair.
"So messed up..." Sasha added, actually having paused mid-bite to speak. The others just stared at me in stunned silence. I had finally revealed to my squad - my friends - the reason as to why I had been found beyond the walls.
"So, yeah, that's my story. Thought it was about time to open up about it." I sighed, indifferent to their reactions. I had chosen to keep my newfound relation to Erwin a secret, save for Levi, who I still hadn't seen since he had fled the room earlier that day.
"To think a parent would do such a thing..." Mikasa murmured, looking over to Eren as his fist closed against the tabletop.
"Why haven't they been arrested yet? They're just gonna get away with what they did to you?"
Shrugging, I leaned back a little further, putting a whole lot of faith in my heels and the back legs of my chair for support.
"I have no proof. Only my word against their's. I don't care what happens to them anymore, as long as they stay far away from me."
Everyone seemed to hum in agreement with me, but most were unsure of that decision.
"Well, now I get why you were using me as cover this morning..." Connie murmured, leaning against the wall by the door. "You should've said something! I would have given them a piece of my mind!"
Yeah, and then gotten bitch slapped like Levi...
Teetering, I scoffed, not feeling my heels begin to lose traction.
"I had it handled. Besides, after Winnie gave them a stern talking to, I don't think they'll be-ohfuckingshit..!" I yelped and cussed as I began to tip too far backwards, but I didn't fall far. Tilting my head back, I found myself peering up at Jean's face, that was smiling softly at me.
"Just let us know if they ever try to hassle you again. We'll put a stop to it, won't we?" When he addressed the room, everyone agreed in a heartbeat, and I almost started to get emotional again. Sitting there, seeing so many friendly faces around me, I suddenly realised why I couldn't be completely mad at Erwin for the choice he had made.
If things had been different...then I never would have met any of you, would I..?
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***That trailed off to corny shit at the end pffft.
Next Time: Responsibilities***