I want to live. I want to love. I think I am ready.

going nowhere

«That's great!» Dean, having eaten his bacon, raises to clean the table. «I think I'm gonna go work on baby and maybe go for a drive later when she's ready. Of course, I'm gonna bring you too Mir, you know I won't leave you,» he finishes as the dog playfully runs through his feet on the way to the counter.

«You... you could come with us. If you want to.»

«I'm not going anywhere...» 'until I've found Cas' hangs in the air between them but he can't say it. Dean hates the way feelings just screws you up and makes everything so much harder. The last thing he wanted to do was go hunting. Dean just felt done with hunting. He felt ready to just... stop. He said he wouldn't go anywhere hunting now, but deep down he knew he meant he didn't want to anywhere hunting after he'd gotten Cas back either. He had been thinking about his future for a while now, and what he wanted to do, now that the big-bad-God was gone.

Dean had always believed his life would only consist of hunting, and being a big brother. But lately, he had started to imagine what his life could be like if he started living it, instead of just watching it. The thought had been slowly creeping up on his for the past year, and the more he imagined a peaceful life, a life where he could just simply be. Simply live. He realized he wanted that more than anything.

He didn't really know how to tell Sam all of this. Sam had been the one to want a normal life, but now he was the one who wanted to be a hunter. Dean had been the one who wanted to spend his life hunting, or at least he was the one destined to be a hunter, but now all he wanted was a peaceful life. Not normal, his life would never be normal. But peaceful. He wanted to know how a peaceful life would look like.

'I want to live. I want to love. I'm ready to start living my life', Dean thinks, but he's just not quite sure how to say it out loud.

At the look his brother gives him, he adds, a little too harsh «I don't wanna talk about it so stop looking at me like that.»

Dean almost feels bad leaving the kitchen with that tone, but he knows his brother knows. And that almost makes it even worse. Almost.

***

The darkness of the garage blinds him after having spent hours in the late afternoon sun, driving around with nowhere as a goal. Dean parks Baby on her usual spot, the main spot at the center, of the bunkers first level where all the cars are kept. His eyes fall to the far corner where the light is even dimmer than where he sits in the impala, where a car is hidden behind some tool cabinets. The gold-colored 1978 Lincoln Continental Mark V was covered up with a white sheet years ago. The car hadn't been used for a long time, and Dean doesn't even know if anyone else knows it's there. After Cas was freed from Lucifer, he made no effort to recover the car, but Dean had brought it home anyway, without anyone knowing. Cas had eventually replaced it by using other trucks, some stolen, some from the bunker's garage.

Dean doesn't know why he even bothered with bringing the stupid car here since Cas didn't care enough to fix it. But Dean had still brought it home. He hasn't touched it since he parked it there, but now he almost wants to start fixing it up again, just to be able to have something to do, something that still felt like Cas. That's probably why he had it here, to have something of Cas's. It's stupid really, but now he's glad he did. It almost makes him smile as he leaves the impala.

There are many other beautiful cars left over from when before the Winchesters made the bunker their own. They aren't enough to fill the entire garage, but they are still an impressive collection. He hasn't driven any of them yet, except the Lincoln, and he once took out a blue 1955 Chevy Bell Air. But that was only because his girl needed an oil change, and he couldn't find the right type of oil in the bunker. No way did that blueberry even compare to his 67' Impala. No way.

A red 1971 Plymouth Valiant is also parked close to the entrance, and Dean smiles as he walks down to the bunkers next level, hearing quiet laughter. Sam and Eileen are seated in the library, both looking at something on a computer.

«Heya, Sammy. Eileen.» He smiles as they walk down the stairs, joining them at the table.

«Hello, Dean. How was your ride?» Eileen asks smiling up at her boyfriend's big brother.

«Way too short! It's such a beautiful day today, but I didn't wanna wear out my Baby on her first ride in weeks, although I know she would handle it perfectly.»

«So you manage to replace the... brake-thingy-part that made that weird sound?»

«The break pads, yes. It's no trouble as long as I have the right parts, which can be hard to get a hold of when I need original parts. I don't want no fake crap for my girl.»

«Of course not.» Sam smiles at Eileen. «So, what are you up to now?»

«I was thinking about maybe taking a nap, and then later after my nap I was thinking about taking a nap, and then maybe a nap after that» he grins at his brother as he raises from the chair.

«Ha-ha.» Sam mocks.

«I'll be in my room,» He turns and looks at the couple before heading for the kitchen to find some snack, «let me know when you leave.»

***

«Hey Dean?!» Sam calls after him as he catches up with him in the hall, as Dean is about to enter his bedroom, «I... I need to talk to you about something.»

///

AN:

this is probably shitty but this is my therapy now, so if you've read this far, thank you!

Since Christmas is right around the corner, I probably won't have the time to update in a few days... I got one more chapter in my drafts, but I'm not happy with it atm, but I'll try to update this weekend.

!!! the story will first be updated on ao3, but I will try to update it here too as soon as I can. !!!