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My mascara stained JJ's shirt, it's been a long, long time since I'd last cried and an even longer time since I'd felt JJ's arms around me. It felt embarrassing that all of my friends happened to be here watching me have this major break down. All eyes were on me, and for once I didn't like it.
"Jess please just talk to us." I heard a faint whisper from Pope. I shook my head, still buried into JJ's chest, earning a loud sigh from one of the boys. I'm gonna have to confront them at some point, but I don't even know what to say. There's no point even trying, there's just so much I've done it's unforgivable. JJ tried to pull away from me but I clung onto him.
"Please don't."
"Jess, you're gonna have to talk sooner or later. Just get it over with now." He mumbled roughly but there was a soft undertone which was all the comfort I needed. Releasing my grip on him, I stood up slowly and wiped the tears from my face. Looking up, I was met with faces of concern. I quickly glanced back at JJ. I felt vulnerable and i didn't like it at all.
"I-I'm okay." I stuttered, in attempts of reassuring not only them but myself. "I'm okay." I stated more forcefully and well aware that I probably looked horrific.
I glanced towards my reflection in the window and saw mascara smeared down my face, my cheeks were flushed but I hadn't had a proper sleep in a very long time which had resulted in panda looking circles around my eyes, I was bruised all over, which was easily shown through the fact that my dress was barely covering my body. My hair was messy and matted and I looked exactly like what I am. An addicted mess.
"No. You're not."
"You're an addict and you need help! You can't just keep doing this Jess, it's affecting everyone here, not just you. GOD YOU'RE SO SELFISH!" John B started to yell and it honestly scared me. I flinched, stepping backwards and slightly bumping into JJ who steadied me. Everyone noticed including John B who instantly backed off. I just hated being yelled at and I wasn't used to John B getting so angry.
"Jess we're just worried about you man. We're trying to help." JJ added, still by my side.
"You are only 16 years old." John B started to speak to me as he stood up.
"It makes me feel good. Is there something wrong with that?" I replied defensively.
"Yes! Yes there is something wrong with that. You can't just take drugs to take away the pain Jess." He paused for a second and stated sympathetically "It won't bring them back." He was referring to my father and ex boyfriend. Both died, quite recently.
"I don't want them back. I HATE THEM! I hate them for leaving me! And I just feel like I'm never gonna be happy again. I can't take it anymore! I can't miss them! I can't and I don't want to. Dad ignored me for years and I still miss him! and as for Luke, he left me on purpose. You have never had to deal with that John B. Your partner killing themselves. He left me! I'm not angry. I'm in pain and THEY put me here. They did this to me." I screamed, tears running down my face as everyone in the room stared at me. John B was completely unreadable and there was no way I could read how he was feeling.
"Did you not think about who you might hurt in the process?" JJ asked, lowering his voice to an almost whisper. I turned to him and I could see the pain in his eyes, the worry and sadness in him that I had caused.
"No. No I didn't." I murmured under my breath while holding back tears.
"Then that's your fucking problem isn't it! YOU DON'T CARE." John B interrupted what could've possibly been a peaceful conversation. "You just don't stop screwing up, do you." He spat out loathingly. "It's like you're not even here. What happened to you?"
"I grew up, shit went down and now I'm a horrible person, that's what happened. I'm just a burden and I always have been. Mom didn't want either of us, Dad never wanted me and obviously you don't eith-"
"Shut up!" Everyone turned to Pope, who for the first time had raised his voice at me. "You shut up kid."
"Excuse me?" I scoffed.
"No I'm sick of this shit Jess! You have a family right here and you continue to feel sorry for yourself. You can't use Luke as an excuse anymore It's getting old and It's not right."
"No I'm not listening to this. You wouldn't understand Pope"
"Jesus Christ Jess when are you going to understand the world doesn't revolve around you! You're dragging us all down with you and we won't let go because we care about you too much. It's not fair on us." JJ and John B nodded as Pope spoke. I just stared at him.
Pope gave me clarity, the others just sparked rage in me but Pope always seemed to find a way to make me understand.
"Can you even see how much impact this has on us?" JJ continued. I shook my head and stared at the ground as if I was getting scolded as a child.
"Jess you're my baby sister. I cannot let this continue. I won't watch you screw up your life like this." John B added to the attack. "Please just help us out here. We miss you."
"I truly don't know if I'm capable of not screwing up my life John B."
"You are. Just stop avoiding us and then maybe we can help?" He replied.
"They miss you." JJ mumbled. "I miss you." He spoke softly as if he didn't really want anyone to hear it. I gave him a small smile to acknowledge it before dropping my head to face the floor again.
"You have no idea how lonely I've been." I bit my lip to fight back tears as my brother slowly wrapped his arms around me. He seemed scared that if he held me too tight that I'd break. "I'm sorry."
