Can Yaman International Presents: "Love and Pixie Dust"

Chapter 5: "When Pixie Lost Her Shoe"

End of Chapter 4:  Pixie's POV:  Maybe I'd been too hasty. Maybe I should have given him a chance. Maybe I should have at least learned his name. I missed him with a ferocity that left me breathless sometimes. I missed his face, his thoughtfulness, his dimples, his laugh, his voice, his wicked sense of humor. His beautiful hands, his gorgeous body, and his magical penis. Six weeks later, I was peeing on a stick in my mother's spare bathroom. Wishing to god I'd never gone within ten miles of his stupid magical penis... and his equally magical sperm. 

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"Okay, okay. It's just one pink line." I said, gasping in relief. Deniz and Cansu released gusty sighs of relief right along with me. "Whoa! I think I need several glasses of wine. No, several bottles. A whole vineyard!" I laughed shakily and swiped the nervous sweat off my forehead. I'd called my girls for moral support as I waited for the results.

"We will come and drink with you," Deniz said, and I did a little happy dance.

"Okay, crisis averted." I picked up the pregnancy test like it was a nuclear warhead, intent on wrapping it in wads of toilet paper so my mother wouldn't discover it. I glanced down at the pee stick of doom in my hand and blinked. "Wait, what?" I whispered in horror. "Nooooooo! It was one line! Give me back my line!"

I heard Cansu and Deniz exclaiming in the background. I picked up my phone and said,

"There are two lines now. That means it's faulty, right? Like I should do it again, right?" I'd bought several different ones so I drank enough water to float a barge and did the test again. After the fourth test came back positive, it was clear that I had been impregnated with Bigfoot's spawn.

"You're definitely pregnant!" Cansu gasped in disbelief when I called them back. "With a baby!"

"No, with a sloth," I whisper hissed. "Of course, it's a baby! Oh my god, what am I going to do? This is a catastrophe!" I slid down the wall and plopped onto the floor.

"Wait! The father isn't Soner." Deniz stated. I heard her voice come from my phone where I'd left it on the counter above me. They knew Soner and I had not had sex in weeks before I discovered his perfidy. All of the Dirtbag's extended business trips had been code for "I'm screwing my secretary." God, how cliche! I hadn't reminded them of that little fact when I first called. It was natural for them to automatically assume the father was the man I'd been with for three years, and not the one I'd known for like three minutes.

"Who's the father, then?" The obvious answer must have occurred to Deniz almost instantly. "Don't tell me..." I could almost see her cringing.

"It's "The Giver"!" Cansu yelled.

I wailed in misery.

"Ezgi! I thought you were safe! Weren't you on birth control?" Deniz asked me.

"We were safe and I haven't been on birth control. I didn't see any need since I didn't expect to be in the vicinity of any penises. Much less magical ones. He used condoms." I said as I buried my face in my hands.

"All the time?" asked Deniz.

"Yes?" I answered but it sounded like a question. Had we? I thought so. He had been very diligent about it but there was that one time against the wall... I was racking my brain but couldn't remember anything except his feverish kisses, his big hands, his lips. Stop that! Stupid horny brain.

"Either way, condoms aren't 100% effective," Cansu said, interrupting my X-rated musings.

"What? What do you mean?" I stood up and grabbed the phone.

"I mean they have like a 98% success rate," she said.

"Why didn't anyone tell me that?!" I screamed into the phone.