efflorescence

2. to be

It hurts to be alive. To think like a human being. To be aware and have knowledge like a human being. We know too much. I know too much, and that's why I'm in so much pain. I wish I wasn't able to remember. Then, I wish I didn't know that I was even forgetting anything. I'd just be ignorant and unaware. With no idea of what I lost. I wouldn't want to hear voices of people I once knew. I wouldn't want to feel the touch of people I rarely see. I wouldn't cry about people who have forgotten me. 

I'm just a speck of dust. Genuinely, I am nothing but a small, minuscule dot of life in a sea of billions. I will be gone, and five others will be born to replace me. I have experienced all these sad moments in life only to be replaced by five new lives. Even if my memory lives on in the minds of those closest to me, I will eventually fade into a white space. A nothingness that holds onto everything that refuses to exist. 

I wish I could do everything in the world with no restrictions. I'd speak and speak and speak until I no longer breathed. I'd keep walking until I collapsed with sweat and bloody feet. Just until I stop being alive, I want to feel as if I am in a population of ten people instead of seven billion. I want to exist and not feel like a trivial, meaningless body with life in it.