Potential

.1

It was difficult to understand again why I was mad.
Maybe it was because everything was okay, and my mind looked for everything wrong.
I was fine up until the moment I realized I was falling. Because she gave me hope. False hope, most likely. She was just being nice, it felt.
I'd look over to where she'd be, and our eyes would meet. She wouldn't drop my gaze, and I wouldn't hers unless her attention was drawn elsewhere.
As was the electricity that pulsed through my veins when she called my name, when she'd tease me.
I haven't found yet the type of person I want to be around her, the four year age gap didn't help either.
I seem to be more childish when around her, and only her. It's happened before around others I've found myself attracted to.
I'm not even sure if it IS attraction.
It feels beyond that..
All of a sudden she started using "we" during conversations, leaving me with a giddy feeling, followed by pain.
Because what if "we" don't make it?
It's a long shot to think that there could even remotely be anything serious. My repressed trauma kicks in during these times, never had good luck in relationships, unfortunately.
The time that this might last, I'll treasure it, to my core. But I've been holding on to try and not fall. I don't need to be scattered once again, loose bits and pieces.
I'm holding back.
I think that's what it is.
I can feel it, in me, potential for something more, but I don't need the aftermath.
I don't need to feel incapable of feeling.