I Promise it Gets Better

Chapter 7

"I left my memories behind in search of freedom, but they still follow me as I walk towards the future," -Christy Ann Martine

I'd be lying if I said that I suddenly got better and I feel okay now. I still continued to cry everyday. One day in particular was really bad.

"What's wrong?" my mom asks me as I'm curled up crying on the floor. She sits down next to me.

"I don't know. It's just I feel so hollow all the time and I hate it. When I don't feel empty, I just feel sad. I don't know why, or what's wrong, or how to fix it. I'm just so sick of feeling like this all the time. I tried to move on, I did. I just don't know how. I tried to leave it behind me, but I can't. I know I said that I didn't want to die anymore but, I don't want to live either. It's hard. I try to be okay for you guys but I can't. I just don't want to keep doing this. I don't want to be here anymore mom, I'm sorry." I say sobbing. I start to see tears well up in her eyes.

She hugs me and starts crying too.

"I cry everyday too. It still hurts you know. I keep thinking what did I do so wrong that made you want to kill yourself?" she says, drowning in tears.

It's heartbreaking to see the damage you cause to the people you love. We just sit there and cry for a while before I decide to go to sleep. I never intended to have to live with the consequences of my actions. I thought it would be over and I wouldn't have to face it. I know that makes me a coward and a terrible person, but it's true. I mean, my parents fight more now because of me. My dad blames my mom for it all and my mom blames herself. I know it's not easy for them. I don't make it very easy I suppose. They fight over whether or not my mom's to blame. I don't think she is. Sometimes life just happens to you.

That night, at like 1 AM my mom wakes me up and just says, "Hey. I think you have depression"

I just look at her and reply "Thanks. Goodnight"

"I'm serious"

"I'm seriously tired"

I go back to sleep and she leaves. A few days after this, I have a meeting with a counselor. We talk about my life and she just says "wow that's tough". She seems nice nd tells me that the next time we meet I need to have a list of things that I think would improve my life. She tells me that once that happens, we can begin a treatment plan, whatever that means. I tell my mom that we all went through this traumatic experience together and that now we unfortunately have to live with it. I tell her to consider therapy because I'm worried about her. She cries a lot too. Before all of this happened I think the last time I saw her cry was when our dog died. I was like six when that happened. I tell her about how I feel more than I do with my dad because I thought I didn't think it would affect her that much. My mom's the type of person who takes care of problems and try's not to think too much about what can't be done. Also, I worry about the affect my mental health has on my dad. I guess I just thought he would be really sad about it and my mom would just try to help without getting too emotional about it. Apparently, I was wrong. Things are as okay as can be expected for a while. I mean I don't try to kill myself or anything so I'll call that a win. I usually just lay down, close my eyes, and imagine myself floating in water when I feel anxious or depressed. I personally don't cut myself because I don't want the scars there for everyone to see. Also, I think I'm scared that if I let myself have access to a knife I'll just slit my wrists one day. So, instead I scratch myself. It doesn't leave any scars and it distracts me from everything that bothers me so I guess it works. Also, you can't really scratch yourself to death. Truth is, I'm just scared. I don't want to kill myself anymore because I've realized it'd be like committing arson on a mall on Black Friday. I would destroy everything. My family would be a mess. Not just my parents and friends but also cousins, aunts, uncles, I can't do that to them. I'm just so tired of life and I don't know what to do about that. All I can do is keep suffering. Don't get me wrong there are good things in life, it's just not the same anymore. A few days later, I see a few kids playing in a neighborhood me and my mom drive through. I can't help but think that I was happy once, I was like them. Now I'm not. I just start crying right there in the car. My mom asks what's wrong and I tell her. She just tells me that I can be like that again one day it'll just take time. I nod and look out the window at them again. I wonder if any of them will go through what I go through one day. I have a baby cousin who's like 4 and I just wonder if she'll ever have to go through this. I hope not, it's not particularly fun. It's like after you go through something like that, you're different and you see the world differently. Anyone can have mental illness or go through something traumatic. You really can't tell and sometimes, when people find out it's too late. I'm glad my mom found me when she did. There are a lot of things I still want to do and places I want to see. I wasn't really ready to go yet. I think that there are times in our lives when we just get really lost and don't know what to do. It can be frustrating but, if you have a good support system or even just one person looking out for you it's easier. That doesn't mean that people caring about you is going to cure everything though. It's not that they aren't enough, it's just that you need to figure yourself out. Figuring yourself out is one of those things that they can't teach in school and that other people can't do for you. It's one of those things you do alone and you may get lost, it happens. What matters is that you find yourself again. It's not easy, nothing that really matters is, but it's possible. As I realize all of this, I think that I'm getting better. In some ways I am, but then a week later I have another really bad breakdown. I don't really know what happened honestly. I just had a really bad day. That doesn't mean that a lot of bad things happened, just that I wasn't doing very well mentally. My parents come into my room and hug me, but I just start screaming at them to get out of my room and leave me alone. When I feel like this I usually need space, but they're worried so they don't leave. I just start throwing things and I end up breaking a mirror. That's like seven years of bad luck. I really don't need that on top of everything else. I know it's just superstition, but still. What if it's not? My parents talk me into going on a walk with them. It's cold out so we're all wearing really warm clothes. They try to cheer me up but it doesn't really work. We walk around our neighborhood and see all the Christmas decorations. It' s nice but weird to see something so normal. It still weirds me out that everything's still the same for most people. I think to myself, What if nothing's ever the same? I've been feeling so empty and dark lately. I guess it's just weird to see that everyone else still has their light. I hope that one day I get my light back. It feels so unlikely and impossible, but I know that's not true. It can't be. I'm still trying to get better, it's a work in progress. I know it won't happen right away but, I'll keep trying. I guess that's all I can do for now, just keep trying. Life isn't always easy but, I promise it gets better. As Juliette Lewis once said, "The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die."