Jazz Red's Anomaly

c h a p t e r. 6

He realized he was breathing heavy, his chest heaving up and down as he struggled to get his body under control.

Why did he have to be like this?

Why did he have to have this fucking condition?

Some people that know what he experiences-- but doesn't understand-- think it's cool. He can see sound, it's awesome and fun because it's weird and it helps with his music but what about when he gets crippled by how exhausting the distractions are, what about when the noise becomes too much, what about when it hurts?

Is it awesome then?

What about when he tastes a word and it makes him go into a stuttering fit or makes him choke on nothing from how revolting it is? What about when he scratches himself to the point of bleeding because the sound won't get off of him and it feels like a thousand bugs are crawling over his skin? What about when he's blinded by the noise and almost walks into traffic because he thought the sidewalk was that way?

Is that cool then?

Is it fun?

Why can't they just say that it's weird? That it's dangerous? That just because they can know what it is that they don't have to talk about how amazing it is to be different.

Jazz doesn't want to be different, though. He just wants to be safe.

"Jasp-" His name is broken by a growl and he jolts, hand lowering from his face to show his distressed eyes with tears brimming in them, red marks over his face from how hard his fingers had been pressing down into his skin.

The celestial is sitting in front of him, worry etched into his face and his eye winking uncontrollably, hands spasming out at his side, his head jerking to the left before focusing back on him, shoulders rolling back slightly and mumbling something under his breath as he clearly is trying to focus on the problem at hand but his tics are getting in the way.

That just makes Jazz feel even worse, knowing that he made Cas so nervous and worried that he became distressed.

"I'm so sorry," He quickly tried to push himself up, faltering when a sharp, throbbing pain came from his head. The only comfort was the soothing mint and pine coming off of Cas. Not for the first time, he's thankful that the celestial is in his life. "I didn't mean t-to, I didn't mean to worry you. I just-- the noise-- I couldn't... I couldn't even see and, and--"

Jazz cups his mouth with a shaky breath, feeling the panic within him stay at a constant line, pushing him to do something-- anything-- to alleviate it, to get safe, to just stop it all.

He'd make the world freeze, in this moment, to just be able to take a calm gulp of air without life itself crashing around him.

"Hey, it's-" The celestial cuts himself off with a squeak, then with a growl, and the familiar viridian music helps Jazz breathe a little easier. "-okay. Just, um, what happened?"

"The, the sound, it was too bright," Jazz winced again just remembering it, his shaking hands gripping onto the bottom of his shirt. "And I couldn't see or breathe, s-so I freaked out."

Cas blinked at him before saying, "Bright?"

Jazz flushes in shame, and looks away, not breathing as heavy as he once was but definitely not calm-- and based on the celestial's more frequent than usual tic, he wasn't either.

"I, um, I-I have a condition." He admits, glancing away as he notices the celestial between his legs, both of them sitting in the bathroom now. "The general term is synesthesia b-but what I have has more specific names-- I mean, it can be explained easier with the general names but they aren't needed and, and," He pauses to take a deep breath. "I can see sound. Feel it. Taste some words and specific noises. There's this-- this music that plays around people, everyone has a different song and different colors. Every noise does too and that noise was just so, so bright and it felt like it was putting pressure on me from every angle. Like I was drowning in white. I'm sorry that I freaked you out, I really am. I didn't mean to upset you."