For the First Time | n.h.

Chapter Thirteen

I swallowed, “Ben I’m a virgin...I don’t think I’m ready for my first time.”

“Oh,” is all he said. He looked annoyed as he crawled off of me and stood up from the sofa. He quickly buckled his belt before grabbing his jacket off of the chair. I buttoned up my jeans and threw my shirt back on before standing up.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

Ben shrugged, still with that irritated look on his face. “I’m gonna get going.”

“Ben you don’t have to, I mean, you can stay,” I insisted.

He shook his head, “No I really should get home.”

I was so confused; Ben wasn’t angry, I mean he wasn’t hitting me. It seemed like he just...genuinely didn’t want to be with me at the moment. That almost hurt worse; did he not want me anymore?

“No Ben, please stay, I-I’m sorry,” I begged pathetically. He just continued to put on his shoes. Tears welled up in my eyes. Ben was just about to leave when I spoke up again. “Wait, if this is about what just happened, I'm sorry. I only meant I wasn’t ready at this second. I will be though.”

He finally stopped to look at me. His expression made it clear that he expected more. “Soon?”

I nodded quickly, “Very soon. I promise.” It was a complete lie; I wouldn’t be ready soon. I didn’t know when I would be but I couldn’t let him leave me.

Finally Ben smiled, satisfied. “Good,” he said before coming back to me. He gave me a quick kiss before insisting that he really did have to go. Once I was alone, I felt this horrible sensation in the pit of my stomach. The thought that I had just been used crossed my mind. Ben had such a hold on me that I was even willing to betray myself to please him.

*

Ben grew less and less patient with me as the days went by. Whenever I told him that I needed to wait just a little while longer he would get frustrated and completely ignore me for the rest of the night. I was torn between being irritated, afraid, and upset. Eventually it got to the point where Ben just set a date.

                “I think Christmas Eve would be nice,” he said as he drove me home.

                I turned to look at him. I wasn’t sure this was something that you could just plan. Wasn’t losing your virginity something that should be romantic and special and...not planned like some sort of appointment; oh look, it’s 5 p.m. on December 24th, time to have sex. That sounded ridiculous. Of course I didn’t say anything because...well, frankly, because I didn’t want Ben to snap and hit me.

                I did, however, mention that Christmas Eve was only in two days. Ben just nodded before pointing out that he was already well aware.

                Once I was home I realized I really needed to talk to someone. I locked the door behind me in case Ben decided to come back. It was horrible but I really didn’t want him to let himself inside. I watched his car pull out of my driveway and speed away down the street before heading to my room. There I grabbed my phone and dialled a familiar number. As the line began to ring I felt a strange fear take over me.