Decaying Hearts

Chapter 12

    I could remember the last time I saw Samia. It had been devastating as I watched the tears roll down her lightly tanned cheeks; her brown eyes were visibly red even from a distance. I stood on the stand as the judge delivered my sentence, but all I could do was watch as she broke down.
    I had just been given life imprisonment: at 23 that would be the best years of my life gone, wasted behind bars. . I wouldn’t be able to have a career, get married or start a family. A life behind hideous bars awaited me as the ones I loved would move on without me. My destiny was to be become just a distant memory, a ghost imprisoned.
   My insides vaulted and dived within me. I could taste vomit as it bubbled in the dark depths of my stomach. The thought of my lifetime denied of freedom surged through my thoughts, all because of a secret I could never tell.
   Samia shook her heart shaped head in disgust as the evidence fell from the prosecutors venomous lips. He twisted the reality of the situation, painting the picture of a cruel and hateful monster. The jury glared on with sickened glances, believing every lie told; but I guess that was the plan.
   But she wasn’t supposed to believe it. I thought Samia would instantly see through the masquerade and just know that I could never have been capable of such a terrible crime, that I was not the monster in the image they painted. I hoped that she’d remember all the things we had been through together; the time I spent the best of a week feeding her ice cream when she had her tonsils out, or the time her parents got divorced. Even though I stayed strong to hold her hand when we lost our unborn baby, whilst I slowly died inside, she still believed I was now a monster.
   I had hoped that my admission to the crime would grant me some kind of penance; leniency with a shorter sentence or perhaps the opportunity for an earlier release on good behaviour. After all, I had a perfect track record with no past speeding tickets, no debts, no previous convictions and a cast of character witnesses that described young and caring man, not a blood thirsty killer.
   No. I was not granted such mercy. Instead I was given life of solitude with no opportunity of a retrial. My heart sank hard in my chest at the thought of life time imprisonment, at the thought of never seeing my dear Samia again. The bare idea of never being able to look into her woodland brown eyes again made my heart ache. The fact I would be forbidden to run my hands through her almost endless curls, tore my heart in two. She was my world, but it suddenly felt as though it had come crashing down on top of me.
   I felt as though I was suffocating under the pressure of what I had done; or in this case, what I hadn’t done. It was like a tidal wave had built over that past year suddenly gave way and destroyed everything in its path, whilst I could only watch from a distance.
   I couldn’t suppress the guilt that had its smothering hold. Samia would hate me for as long as both live, she’d never forgive me as she would always believe I was a cold-blooded murderer. And Annie, sweet Annie, would have to raise her young son alone; a single mother, with no job and no home as she slept on our parent’s settee. At least now she had a chance to make something of herself and to build the best life possible for my little nephew. She would be able to wake up without the fear of what the day might bring; a fist
   I hoped to all the forces possible that baby Nathan would grow up to become a better man than his pathetic bastard of a father ever was, that he would grow to be a gentleman, not a junkie.
   Oscar didn’t deserve the privilege of parenthood. Under Oscars influence all Nathan would ever be able to understand would be hate. Now he had a fighting chance of a good life. He would never remember or know the pain that his father caused, but would have the love of his mother as he grew: that was the best gift I’d ever be able to give him.

    Samia had come to see me briefly after trial. Black mascara had stained her flushing cheeks. She held a spoilt tissue to her fact; somehow she was trying to hold back her emotions. It was worst to know I was the root cause of her pain, her heart was breaking as the prosecution described a monster and her mind had come to accept it. She believed that I was a killer.
   “Goodbye, Josh.” Was all she could bring herself to say as police stood by, ready to escort me to the van waiting just outside.
   “Wait, Samia! I love you.” I said desperately, a one last plea for forgiveness.
    The way she looked at me had changed. She now looked through me like nothing more than a window whilst she was focused on a better view. Her eyes looked at me with a sadness I had made and I could see the browns in her eyes darken with regret. She slowly shook her with a trembling lip. An unwelcome sob escaped and she turned running down the court yard with her curls blowing behind her.
    It was amazing to think, just how everything could change so quickly and drastically. One day I was free to live my life, just doing the normal things like going to work in the morning and the next I was a convicted murderer. One day the world was bright and flourishing, the next darkness had fallen whilst the dead were rising.