Cut the strings and set me free

Part 4- if the strings snap will you let me float away?

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The salty scent of the sea greets me, gently filling me with its light fresh air, bringing with each breath, a relief, with each breath the tension from my shoulders fading away, feeling lighter in this moment than I had the day I'd lost not one parent but two.

And when Spirit's hooves reach the salty lapping waves, he nickers, stilling slightly.

I run my hand through his shiny mane, petting him and slide off, turning to walk around to stand in front.

"Thank you for being my partner in crime Spirit. You've been the most faithful loving companion I could've wished for. Thank you for choosing me that day." I whisper as I run my hand down his front, looking at his eyes- a flash of connection as I remember how as a young girl I'd been too afraid to approach the bucking, whinnying horses standing tall, proud and majestic. How they'd all bolted away from my tentative touch, sensing the shyness, the uncertainty in me.

But Spirit hadn't. He'd stayed still. And he'd nuzzled into my small palm.

As if to say he chose me. He wanted me despite my weaknesses.

He whinnies softly, a low snort as his hooves paw at the ground when I turn to walk and he tries to trot behind me.

"Our paths split here." I say, firmly stilling him, drawing my cloak off and draping it over his back.

When I walk into the sea it's without that layer of secrecy and disguise it brought me, without the layer of warmth as my skin chills and without the layer of hiding away from the world.

When I walk into the sea, I feel the icy cold seep into my stockings, settle as a numb layer against my skin, wet and clinging. I walk into the sea and watch with distant fascination as the layers of white begin to become heavy, weights that cling onto my frame, tug me down further, the waters inviting me in, brushing against my skin with tender caresses that in that instance despite their chilliness are warmer than any touch I'd received from the Queen, from the woman who was supposedly the same mother who birthed me.

With each wave that laps against my skin, with every drop of water that soaks into my clothes and permeates my skin I feel a calm begin to settle. A calm that couldn't have come with being married and being tortured daily by the sight of the two people I yearned for and could never close the distance to.

As I walk into the waters my sight is filled with the horizon, with the furthest point I can see and wonder what lies for me beyond it. Jimin and Tae had spent many evenings with me snuck away to watch the day end, had always wondered what it would be to ride into the horizon, see if a different world waited for us beyond it.

And a part of me has regrets. Regrets that I never got to journey with them into the beyond, never got to do so many things with them. And as I continue to walk in deeper, water clinging to me, tugging me in I find that my heart and soul merge in that moment- fill with memories of them.

The way Jimin's eyes scrunched when he smiled.

The deep melodic laugh of Tae, richer and smoother and intoxicating than any wine.

The way their hands had felt, warm and safe and protecting, always one splayed at the bottom of my back as the hugged me drew me close.

Flickers of memories. the curve of their lips, the way their eyes sparkled with a world of stories, with a wealth of memories. Voices that whispered into my ear, drew me away from my studies and duties, hands that reached out to undo the intricate weaving and styling of my hair, carding through it- letting it be free once more. The way their lips had burned imprints into my skin when they'd brushed them across my knuckles, to the inside of my wrist. The feeling of warmth and security when I'd woken after grieving lonely nights to be encased in two pair of arms, two faces tucked close, breath fanning across my neck, huddling closer and without fear of any boundary in sleep.