With You Everywhere

I Can't Let You Bear It On Your Own

"I think we deserve a drink" Bellamy said, as he remembered the many times he had told her that, yet she had only accepted once. Clarke was always responsible with drinks. 

"Have one for me" Clarke sighed. She had the saddest look on her face, one that Bellamy had never seen before.

"What's wrong? We won, Princess! You could be slightly more cheerful, to say the least..."

"Yeah, and so could the mountain men. Oh no wait, I killed them. Sorry, kind of forgot that for a minute there"

"Wow hold up right there, what's that supposed to mean? You didn't do that on your own, you can't take the fault for it and carry that weight without help, because it isn't only your weight to carry. Monty programed it all to happen, we both pulled the lever together."

He thought about that moment. How their hands touched. They were in complete sync when they pulled it, they didn't even have to say anything they just knew that they could do it all together. And just before they pulled it, he felt as if some kind of... tingling went through their hands. They were connected like they had never been, the pain circling around the atmosphere, the fear in their eyes that couldn't be matched, the way they had betrayed those who had helped them. He gulped for air. He felt like he was drowning in the horrible memory, that at the same time was beautiful because it was the moment when Bellamy and Clarke had connected completely, in a whole new way, so different from everything they had lived before.

Clarke saw the pain in his eyes and she understood he was reliving the moment they killed all those people. She saw the way the air was knocked out of him just thinking about that and she understood the feeling. After all, she felt like that since she did. As if someone was constantly punching her in the stomach, and just when she regained the oxygen, that invisible hand punched her again. She closed the space between them and when she hugged him, he gasped for air and truly took a breath. 

He noticed that it was the first time he took an actual breath since they had pulled the lever, as if he had been consuming the bare amount of oxygen to keep him alive, yet he hadn't been breathing. But when she hugged him everything disappeared, and the world was just Bellamy and Clarke. Just the two of them and no one else. He hugged her as tight as he could and he didn't let her go. He couldn't. When Clarke had told him some days before that se needed him and she couldn't loose him, he hadn't answered, but the truth was, he needed her even more. 

"Clarke?" He whispered, still not letting her go.

"Yeah?"

"I know the look you had on your face. Please don't. Please don't leave me" he begged

She didn't pull apart but she answered in the most calm tone she could "I'm sorry, Bell. I just can't stand seeing their faces. Deep down, they hate me. More than ever. This is the worst thing I have done. Yet. And that 'yet' scares me. I can't keep on doing this, hurting everyone, killing those who we love or care about and moving on as if nothing had ever happened. It's too much. Please don't ask me to stay because I can't"

"Okay, then. I see that I can't convince you to stay, so let me ask you something, and answer as honestly as you can."

"Umm... sure. I can't even try to lie to you Bell. What is it?"

"Can you stand seeing me?"

"Of course I can. You... you are the most special person in my life, Bellamy. Don't ever doubt it."