The Time It Takes To Fall

To Live a Lie

It did not stop her from being mad at him— she wished that he would have revealed himself to be ancient or crazy before she'd fallen in love with him. But she still did not believe him a liar.

"He's still a crazy lune..." Iko trailed off, her words sounding more like a question than anything else. Her lips were slightly parted and her eyes wide as she stared at Cinder. She had that look on her face that one only had when they no longer recognized someone they had once known.

"Cinder," Iko hissed.

"I don't know anymore, Iko," moaned, swiping at her eyes as angry tears started to pool. "I just don't know anymore."

"Well I know," Iko sneered. "Stars, Cinder, are you really delusional enough to believe that this guy is four hundred years old? Are you even listening to yourself? What kind of utter nonsense is this?"

"Iko, I told you that I don't know."

Iko stood from her chair, shoving back with more anger than Cinder thought the situation warranted. She stalked back to the kitchen and paced the floor ferociously. Cinder couldn't think of a word to say— she'd never seen Iko lose her cool before. She'd always been the calm one while Cinder lost it.

"What did he do to you?"

"What?" Cinder asked, surprised by the question.

"What the hell did he do to you?" Iko said the words slow, as if Cinder were too young or too stupid to understand.

Cinder sucked in a breath to calm herself, and when that didn't work she closed her eyes. Both her hands were clenched into iron fists so tight that she could feel the pounding of her blood through her fingertips. Everything within her was roaring fire and all things destructive.

"What are you insinuating?" Cinder pronounced every syllable of the last word as if it had personally offended her.

"Stars, Cinder," Iko growled. She stalked over to the table and slammed her hand down on top of it. Cinder flinched and shrunk back, away from her friend. "What has he done to you? How... how did you get to be like this? You used to be so... sensible."

"I can not believe you," Cinder said. She sat back, with her body leaning as far away from Iko as it could possibly get. "You were the one who encouraged me to pursue this when I was scared— you were the one that prompted this on. If anything, it's your fault that this happened."

"My fault?" Iko roared.

"Yes!" Cinder screeched. She leapt to her feet and came to stand within just inches of Iko. "It's your fault! You were the one to tell me to go after him with your words of 'oh fear is man's worst traitor and love's greatest enemy' crap. So I didn't hold back— I didn't let fear stop me just as you told me. It's your own damn fault, Iko!"

Iko stared at Cinder with fire in her eyes. They were mere inches apart, eyes burning into the other's as the inferno of a broken friendship raged between them. It was strange to feel such feelings of contempt toward the person who had always been her greatest ally. Iko, who had gotten Cinder out of Seattle and stood by her side for the past few years. But now there was nothing left but a shattered friendship.

Perhaps it had been broken for some time, or never truly whole. Their friendship had always been based on Iko taking care of Cinder— Iko saving Cinder from her past and herself. Maybe now that Cinder could take care of herself there was nothing left to bond the two together.

Cinder tore her eyes away first, spinning on her heel and back to her chair. She fell into the seat, head in her hands and tears upon her cheeks.

Somehow her life had fallen apart in the last twenty-four hours, and she wasn't entirely sure how to mend it. She was living a lie if she convinced herself that she didn't love Kai. She was untrue to herself if she allowed for Iko to dictate the ways of her life as she had in the past. She could no longer continue to live a lie, no matter what that meant.

"I need you to leave," Cinder whispered, her breath barely a wisp upon the air. She kept her head down in her hands as she let her tears fall down upon the table.

"What?"

Cinder's body began to shake in her effort to suppress her sobs. It was an awful kind of convulsing— she wanted to puke. Everything hurt and she wasn't sure if she wanted to break something or lay on the floor for many, many days.

"I have some things I need to figure out, and I can't have you here while I do that," Cinder murmured, her words broken by a hiccup. "I need you to go."

Iko said nothing, but Cinder could still feel her presence above her, bearing down like an angry shadow. Her stare was all anger and no mercy— it tore a hole through Cinder's very heart.

"Just don't do anything you'll regret," Iko said, her voice soft and almost sad. Then she turned and walked out of the apartment, letting herself out with a gentle whoosh of the door.

Cinder allowed herself to collapse then. She rested her arms upon the table and cradled her face within them. She cried tears of sadness and anger and bitter loneliness. Never in her life had she felt so alone in the world.

She cried until all her tears dried up, then she sat and contemplated everything about her messed up life. She thought of Kai and his lies that sounded like truths, and how she had quite possibly just obliterated the only friendship she'd ever had.

It felt like the entire world was falling down upon her, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Nothing made sense anymore— it was like she was a child aging out of that time when everything was good and waking up to the world's cruelest realities. No one loved her; all anyone ever wanted was to bring her pain. And perhaps that was the way that it had always been.