Rant/Vent Book....

2

I did it. I confessed.

How did it end you may be asking?

How do you think it ended? Same thing evreything in life ends.

Badly.

She wasn't ready when I was ready to give her evreything I had.

While she can't control her own feelings, neither can I.

I had a dream about her last night, that's right. A dream about losing her.

But how can I be afraid of losing her when she was never mine to begin with?

She says she's not ready, but how can I know if I even have a shot when she is?

Or what if she's never ready? What if she moves on?

What if she just said that to spare my feelings?

I'm overthinking but I honestly don't know what else to do.

I show myself as a pretty calm headed person, but on the inside I'm a total disaster.

I over think evreything, I fall for people that would never see me like that, I'm so hard on myself, I put others before myself.

When she rejected me, I was more worried about her feeling guilty then me feeling heartbroken.

But I barely know her, yet I fell hard.

And yes, she has the right to pick whoever she picks. But it hurts.

There's no given that I'm even on her mind as much as she's on mine.

You can tell just by looking at me that I'm no one's first choice.

But I'm annoying to my friends and family, that's why I write this.

I try to vent so that I don't break down in tears.

But over the years of bottling evreything up, I'm grown unable to let my emotions out without feeling annoying or weak.

And you might be thinking, be positive!

I'm tired of being positive.

Life sucks. Some people need to realize that.

Evreytime I'm positive I'm reminded why I was upset in the first place.

I love making people happy, don't get my new wrong but shouldn't I deserve someone for me?

And you can call me selfish all you want, I sure feel like it.

Some people say that negative people bring them down, my mother included, but positive people make me want to throw up in my mouth.

It's like they're ammune to the world's bullshit and just living on a rainbow.

One day the sun will go away and the rainbow will fade and they'll be dropped onto the Earth Like the rest of us.

Yes, I have moments that feel like I'm on a rainbow but that's around other people.

Alone I feel like I've never even seen a rainbow.

People get assaulted, killed, bullied, evrey single fucking day and no one gives a shit.

People have depression, anxiety, mental illnesses and disabilities and they're the ones struggling while seemingly "perfect" people get to live their life exactly how they want.

And you get the advantage. If you're straight, don't have abusive parents, have perfect luck in love and school, have a job you love and a perfect family, you're not normal.

Everyone is entitled to their own happiness but where's my happiness?

I'm still young but it would still be nice.

This may sound annoying and I probably won't share this so I don't annoy people but I need to get it out there.

I'm going to stop before I stop crying like the sensitive cry baby I Am.

And if it sounds like I want pity, that's not it.

But believe what you want.