Learning to Love (Lesbian Story)

Chapter 29

Nikki smiled through her tears. She wiped her eyes.

“Could I keep this picture please?” Nikki asked.

“You go right ahead.” I said.

“Thank you so much Kaliya. Kaliya would you look at me” Nikki said.

I looked at her, and we made eye contact.

“I'm sorry.” Nikki said sincerely.

“Me too.” I said.

“I miss you. I've missed you so much Kaliya.” Nikki said as tears fell from her pretty gray eyes.

I couldn't lie to myself or anybody else. I did miss my sister. I missed her so much. But I was so mad because she hurt me deeply time after time. And everybody know it's hard for me to let go of things. So I was ten times more angry than I should've been. After reading the reports about the children, it made me even more angry. I was filled with rage, anger, hurt, defeat, and most of all I was scared. I was scared I'd never get my sister back. I was scared the kids would never have their mother.

I was scared that one day I'd get that phone call telling me that Nikki is dead and they need me to come identify the body. I was so scared. Moreover I hated the fact that she had such control over me. That I loved her so much that I would constantly worry about her. That I'd pray night and day for her safe return. I hated to let people have that control over me. The control to make me care more than I should. The control to make me worry and stress even though there's not much I can do. The control to make me love them so hard, and giving them the power to hurt me. That's the real scary part right there. They have ability to hurt me, to hurt me deep. And that's how I learned, if I didn't care for anyone. If I didn't give them that power, then nobody could hurt me.

And for the longest time it all made sense. I thought it was ok to shut people out cause I would be ok. Because nobody was hurting me. Because I couldn't be hurt, if I didn't care. When really the whole thing is a disaster, and in end I was hurting myself more than those I shut out. Ain't that some shit?

I swallowed my pride, and everything else that was holding me back.

“I missed you too Nikki. I missed you more than you'll ever know. I'm so glad you're back, and I hope you continue to do better. I'm very proud of you, and all that you're doing. And I hope it continues, but not just for my sake, the for kids' too. They're wonderful children Nikki, despite everything. They're wonderful, and I hope one day you'll get the pleasure of getting to know them. I do. And I'm so sorry about all this. I have been unbelievably cold towards you, and I'm sorry. I was just so hurt behind everything. I hope you can forgive me.” I said pouring my heart out.

This is the most vulnerable and open I been on the whole visit. I was scared to open up. But Christina was right I couldn't expect a damn thing to change, if I wasn't changing myself. This was extremely challenging for me, and I really couldn't believe I was doing it. In all honesty though, I did feel somewhat better.

Nikki smiled softly at me. I smiled back. This wasn't so bad.

I was still so mad at her though. I was so angry but not as angry as I was before.

“Kaliya I forgive you. It's ok, I understand why you're angry at me. I can't really blame you. I'm just glad you're coming around.” Nikki said.

“Yeah me too.” I said.

“Could I ask you something though?” Nikki asked.

“Yeah?” I said.

“Do you umm do you think they'll ever wanna see me again?” Nikki asked looking at the picture of the kids.