Broken

.9.

"It was if my world had finally made sense. I felt completed, whole, but I was confused. I had no clue what was going on or who he was." I watched as Ghilesh wrote in his journal and I thought back again. "His gaze took something from me and tied me to him." I gave a lazy gesture with my hand as I spoke. "Keep in mind I had been prepared to be recycled so this had completely thrown me for a loop."

Ghilesh looked up at me suddenly, his eyebrows pulling together slightly in a frown. "What does that mean?" His amber eyes were confused and I was reminded his native language wasn't English. It was easy to forget, he spoke it so well.

"Thrown for a loop?" I watched as he nodded and I bit the inside of my lip trying to find the words to explain the odd idiom. "It confused me. I think that's close enough to what it means." He nodded and turned back to his journal. "Where was I?" I frowned and thought for a second before finding my train of thought. "He scared me to be honest. I wasn't scared of him, I was scared of what he was doing to me. He had changed something in me that I hadn't even known existed." I scratched the inside of my wrist lightly.

"When did you become aware he was your soulmate?" He glanced up at me, his amber eyes searching my face as if he could read my very thoughts. It was almost unnerving to have that vibrant intensity directed at me.

I gave a small frown, directing my thoughts towards the moment he was referring to. "There was a moment when we were in the tunnels.. He had removed my cuffs and was trying to rub away the soreness they caused but he did it for me.. He gave me this look, it was almost tender but I recognized it. It was the same look my parents give each other in the little moments." I shrugged slowly. It had been a moment of instant recognition because that is what I had wanted for so long and there it was. "As soon as I figured out the look then everything made sense." I shifted, putting my feet back onto the floor. I was getting a bit restless.

"Are you attracted to him?" His question made me laugh and I nodded my head with a smile.

"Highly. It goes without saying." I felt a slight flush crawl up my neck but I forced it down. I was twenty-five, there was no need to be prudish about my sexual identity or preferences. I was supposed to find my mate attractive and want to be with him. It was normal and okay. There was nothing about it that should have brought me embarrassment but I still had that faint heat to my cheeks as I looked away from Ghilesh.

"Have you ever felt attraction with anyone else?" His question made me inhale sharply at the painful reminder of the Intimacy Therapy I had been essentially forced into.

"I have." I felt an angry sharpness in my chest at the memory. It was a mixture of pain and anger. Pain because it hurt to remember I had been pressured into it and anger that they had thought it was okay to do so. "There was one man, his name was Theodore. When I told that there was that tiny spark of attraction, I was told I needed to try intimacy therapy. Basically to try and fuck my problem away." I rubbed at my sternum, trying to rub away the emotional ache the memory left me.

"I don't want to continue with that." I closed my eyes tightly, rubbing at my forehead. I still felt dirty and used, even after three years. There had been no emotional connection and I discovered sex needed to be more than just two bodies making motions. There had to be a connection for me to feel fulfilled or satisfied with the intimacy.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't aware Intimacy Therapy was an actual form of therapy beyond theories in books." His voice was soft and I looked up at the ceiling. I didn't wish to continue the conversation.

"It isn't traditional. They were grasping at straws, Ghilesh, they were doing their best to try and save my life." I blinked back tears. I needed to be done with the conversation. It only served to make me feel shitty and hurt. "It's best if we just drop the topic. Please." I took a deep breath in, forcing my body to hold back the emotion. It was best not to think about, to dwell on.