Hell Flower

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"I think it'd be best if you road with us." Liz's voice snapped me out of my stupor, and I froze, my fingers on the handle of the Hell Flower bus.

"I'm sure you have a hundred questions running through your head right now," Liz continued, "and we still have details to work out regarding how we are going to cover this up."

I pinched my eyes as the idea of falling asleep in my own bunk and everything magically going back to normal disintegrated. A giant black hole swelled on the horizon. Things would never be the same again. Liz was right. I couldn't hide from this.

I let out a sigh. The dried blood on my skirt crinkled as I shifted on my feet. "All right," I turned to face her. "I'm just going to grab a clean change of clothes first."

Liz looked me up and down. "We're almost the same size. I'm sure I have something you can borrow."

"No!" I snapped, not realizing how strong my tone was until I'd already said it. "I mean," I corrected myself, "it will only take a second." I needed something to make me feel like me again. Something to give me some sense of normality and control.

"Fine," Liz sighed. "Just make it quick, and don't wake anyone up. The last thing we need right now is for you to get caught and have to explain to Sam or Derek why you are covered in blood."

I nodded, carefully swinging the door open to keep it from creaking. I watched my footing as I climbed onto the bus, leaping over the one jacked step that always squeaked.

The air on the bus was warm and comforting, and the darkness enticed me to lay down for a second to rest my eyes. I sucked in the familiar smell of stale beer and damp, musty fabric. The place was nasty and stank like a bunch of sweaty boys lived here, but this place was home—or, at least the closest thing to home I'd had for years, and my bandmates were the only thing remotely close to family I had.

A snore froze me in my tracks, and I turned towards the source. Derek lay asleep on the couch, a can of beer sitting on the small plastic dining table next to him. He must have been out late at the after party, but why hadn't he gone to his own bunk?

His phone rested on his chest beneath his hand. My heart did a flip in my gut as I checked my own phone. The notification of three missed messages from Derek burned into the screen. He hadn't gone to bed because he was waiting up for me.

A shiver shook his body, and the thin sheet that was draped over his legs slipped even further to the floor.

My mind drew back to a night a few years ago when we'd first started booking gigs. Our band had just been turned down for a slot on a big tour. I'd gotten into a fight with our bass guitarist over it, and he'd quit.

My throat was raw from screaming and fighting, and the icy air and cigarette did nothing to help. I pushed myself back and forth on the old wooden porch swing behind the small house Derek had inherited from his grandma, chasing down the smoke with a flat Miller High Life. My head buzzed from the alcohol as it numbed the cold and the pain.

The door to the house creaked behind me, and then something warm wrapped around my shoulders.

"You're going to catch a cold out here, Allison." Derek took a seat next to me, plucking the nearly burnt-out cigarette from my shaking hand before it could scorch my fingertips.

"You know I don't get cold," I said, but I pulled the blanket around myself anyway, holding in a shiver.

Derek put the cigarette out on the ash tray next to the swing, and we sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the stars flicker as a stream of clouds blew in across the night sky. The trees groaned as they bent in the wind, and a halo glowed around the full moon, reminding me it was going to snow tonight.

I thought back to the fight I'd had with our bassist, Gabe. He'd thrown bullshit around like he always did, saying the only reason we hadn't made it yet was because we didn't have a male lead singer.

When he said that, I saw red. I could hardly remember half of what I'd screamed at him. With all the alcohol running through my veins, it felt like it wasn't even me.

The loss of inhibition when I drank was thrilling. It was a freedom from my constant need to control everything, and that was what kept me coming back. But, there was also something frightening about the complete loss of restraint—a dread that only set in when the buzz wore off, leaving me terrified of what I might have done.

"Is it my fault Gabe left?" I finally asked.

"If it is," Derek replied, "I should probably thank you."

A small smile tugged at the corner of my lips.

"He was a dick," Derek said. "We're better off without him."

"We'll find someone else, right?"

"Of course we will." A pause. "A lobster could play bass better than Gabe."

I smiled for real this time, and a pained laugh escaped my raw throat, followed by a cough.

Derek squeezed my shoulder, and I let myself lay down, resting my head in the comfort of his lap. "We're going to be something one day, right?" I played with the torn sleeve of his sweatshirt.

"What?" Derek responded.

"Hell Flower." I looked up to meet his dark eyes. They glowed with the yellow light of the moon and stars.

He didn't say anything for a moment, his breath condensing in the cold air. "Of course we are," he finally responded. The chains holding the swing creaked as we swung back and forth.

My eyes fluttered, the motion lulling me towards sleep. "Derek?" I strained to keep myself awake.

"Yeah?"

"Will you sleep out here with me tonight?"

"If you want," he replied softly.

"You're not going to leave us, too, are you?"

"I'd never leave you, Ally. I've got your back. No matter what."

A snore pulled me back to the present. Tears prickled my eyes, but I didn't let them out.

"I'm so sorry, Derek," I whispered. I'd fucked everything up for real this time. All my past mistakes were nothing compared to what I'd done now. Nothing would ever be the same again.

No. I cut my thoughts off before they could spiral out of control. I was not letting my band down. I was not letting Derek down. Before heading to the back of the bus to grab my clothes, I went over to where he was sleeping and pulled the sheet over him. He stirred but didn't wake.

"I will find a way to fix this," I swore.