The teenage years are the most treasured usually spent being young and free , creating joyful memories . Not for everyone . At least not For Joyce . Joyce has never been like anyone else , she may look like it and act like it . But in reality she is...
I ran . Running is not something that I usually take joy in doing , but as the wind hit my face , hair flowing behind me as my earphones blasted the songs of my Spotify playlist I felt free .
I ran to the top of Meliden mountain not stopping till I reach the white stone panel at the top. Watching the clouds pass . I'm not one for nature or anything that doesn't involve being by myself in my bedroom . But my god is it relaxing
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My Nanna always told me when she dies she wants to be cremated and for her ashes to be spread her , she always referred to it as 'the top of the world' I figured if I was going to die I'd at least do it doing something I enjoy . Which in this case is listening to music as the sun sets watching cars below me .
I have finally realised this is then end . There is no going back now . It's death or drowning in my tears of sorrow . It's like what my Mother told me when they were putting my Ginny pig down ' It's better to die peacefully than to live painfully ' And that is what I'm doing .
All those nasty words carved into my wrists all those horrid insults forgotten because all I have now is myself . I always knew it would end like this . Just me , myself and I . I guess it is true what they say 'the only person you can truly trust is yourself '.
To think that I used to have a future . That I used to believe life was worth livening for . I was truly stupid . The only thing I was right about is that death is not the end . An 'Endless sleep' is what they call it . Bullshit death is not the end or at least not for me . I will thrive in there minds . When they find out I'm dead . They will have nothing to do but blame themselves . I always said if I die I don't want anyone to feel guilty or as if it was there fault but fuck that . Because it is there fault .
It's there fault for not caring enough to ask if I'm okay .
It's there fault for not defending me when I was being called a whore Or a bitch Or when they said I don't deserve to live
Because all they did was stand there and watch as the walls I built to hide my true feeling were being torn down . They did nothing but watch as I finally broke . As I ran outside and fell onto my knees letting it all out . They stood there and watched as I passed the point of retreat . They stood there and watched as I ran away from home screaming at my mother after she found the scars on my wrist .when she found my journal . They stood there and watched as my mother called the police telling them that the child she brought life to was planning on taking it away . They stood there and watched as my sister found out her role model wanted to die . They stood there and watched as my father drove off speeding into the night . They watched as my brother finally broke . They watched as he called his girlfriend barely being able to form sentences through his endless sobbing . They watched as my fathers friends .the one who I we went camping with ,the one who practically helped raised me began to search for me fearing for the worst . Fearing to find my dead body laying there . Dead . They stood there and watched as my parents broke the news to my friends . They stood there and watched as the people who supposedly knew me the best found out the one thing they didn't know . They watched as my boyfriend found out I was slowly becoming less and less human . They did nothing but watch as I slowly distanced my self from the people I loved . They watched as I slowly starved myself . They watched as I cried myself to sleep each night with a hand over my mouth hoping to drown out the sound of my sorrowful cries .
They did nothing . They stood there and watched as I planned my death .
They walked up the mountain to find my body . They walked up the mountain to find my almost dead body next to an empty bottle of pills . They walked up the mountain to find my almost dead body next to an empty bottles of pills while they screamed and shook me trying to wake me up .They found me. They called the ambulance.
