Dissolving

Chapter 1 - The Game

Today is going to be awesome.

It is our penultimate game tonight, before the soccer season officially ends. I have been pretty hyped up ever since I got up this morning. We are currently in third position and if we win this game, we will be in second. Unfortunately, there is no way that we will end up first on the leader board, since the team on top is too far ahead of the rest of the field.

What makes today's game very exciting, however, is the fact that we are playing the team that is currently in second place. They are only leading by one point, so if we win, we will overtake them and most likely remain in that position, too, because they have to play the top team in a week whereas we play someone from the bottom of the leader board. Unless everything fails, we might end up coming in second.

Such an exciting thought!

Since sports plays a very important part in my family, I can literally feel the air buzzing with anticipation during breakfast already. It doesn't happen very often that this is because of something I am part of, so it is a somewhat new experience for me. And, I won't deny it, I am basking in it.

Normally, the focus is on football, since this is the sport that gets a lot of attention in my family and my brothers who play or used to play definitely get noticed the most for their current or previous involvement. I sometimes feel a bit bad for Noah, because he is the only one who plays baseball and, unfortunately, not many of my brothers are really that interested in his choice of sports.

At least with soccer, I have Sean and Josh who are pretty invested in it. And the rest of the older ones seem to feel obligated to cheer me on, too. They do a convincing enough job to make me believe that they might actually even mean it.

"Good morning, everyone," Alex says, walking into the kitchen.

He is dressed and ready for work. I study him as he takes the coffee that Ben holds out towards him. He closes his hands around the cup as if soaking up the comforting warmth it is giving off.

I watch as my oldest brother closes his eyes for a brief moment, looking as if he is counting to ten in his head, like he is preparing himself for the day ahead – and probably for what he is about to say to deal with this bunch of rambunctious teenagers. Because, whenever something special happens on an otherwise standard school day, Alex makes sure that everybody knows exactly what the plan is.

Today, my game is what makes it different and I smile to myself at that thought.

Taking a closer look at my oldest brother, the meanwhile familiar feeling of guilt washes over me. One would think that it would have gotten better with time, but I am still regularly battling with my bad conscience because of what I stirred up last year and how my actions have changed the dynamics in our family.

Alex looks tired and has faint dark circles under his eyes. I am pretty sure that he once again didn't get enough sleep last night. This has been a regular occurrence recently, as I found out a few weeks ago.

I had somehow gotten the flu – I am blaming Noah for it since he was the first one who had caught the bug and he ended up passing it on to Jack, Ben and me. I don't normally get sick very easily so, obviously, I wasn't the greatest patient. I don't deal too well with being cooped up in bed while feeling miserable.

Anyway, the flu caused me to wake up three nights in a row in the middle of the night. Each time, I got up to get some water and every time I found Alex to still be up. At 2am.

The first time, finding him sitting at the kitchen counter working on his laptop shocked me so much that I immediately retreated back upstairs without getting my drink. The thought of just having some water from the bathroom never even crossed my mind, I was too surprised and confused by Alex being awake. But that first night, I somehow managed to make myself believe that this was just an exception. Maybe he once again was working on some difficult case that needed his full attention.