Lonely Hearts (Porter Robinson Fanfiction)

Fragile

sorry this took so long, wanted to make it just right. still not sure if it is, but let me know what you think. epilogue will be up soon. thanks for sticking with me :)

Two days after I put the letter in Porter's mailbox, I forced myself to get up and apologize to Tess. I hadn't made any effort to talk to her - at all. It wasn't that I didn't know what to say. I had thousands of words I wanted to express, but I just couldn't face her reaction. I was scared to face anyone's reaction right now, for fear of how much they hated me. My brain had overthunk everything until it seemed to take almost all of my energy for the thoughts to reenter my head. But they did, again and again. I was practically burnt out at this point.

It was freezing cold in the city this week, probably the coldest it'll get all year. I had to put on my thickest coat and pray that it wouldn't snow. After seeing snow more than a few times a year, you can get pretty sick of it. It seems all majestic and winter wonderland-y at first, but soon it turns to sludge and ice and doesn't look as sparkling as you would think. There was one thing that I would never get tired of though, and that was the endless amount of tourists that seemed to be in awe at the sight of snowflakes falling from the sky. It was kind of amusing, to say the least. It was also strange to think that I had been that person at one point.

Tess's apartment seemed different than the last time I saw her. The lights inside were off on her floor, and the entire place seemed kind of desolate. I was reminded of the time I had come here after the awkwardness of EDC and the talk we had about Anton and how Tess was going to let go of him because she thought she "wasn't worth it." If you looked at that conversation and then at how close they were today, you would second guess that it had ever happened. Tess had matured into a more serious, thoughtful person, a change from the crazy, party-going person she had been before. I think we all had a transformation in the past year. 365 days is a lot of time for a person to think and act differently, and to mature. Trust me, I've figured that out myself.

I walked up to her floor and rang the buzzer, waiting patiently to hear her footsteps. I hoped she was home. I knew that on a Sunday it was likely impossible that she would be out, unless she was somewhere eating lunch with Anton. A couple of minutes passed, and I was just beginning to give up when the door swung open. Tess stood in front of me, wide-eyed and a little taken aback.

"What..." She stuttered, then restarted her sentence. "Are you coming to apologize to me?" Her face shifted from surprise to irritation. "Because if you are, then I have absolutely nothing left to hear it." Her face revealed no hurt at all, just pure, straight-up anger. I took a deep breath, trying to think of a way to calm her down subtly. There was no reason for me to, she had every reason to be annoyed, but the only way she would hear me out is if she calmed down a little.

"Can you try to listen to me?" I said in an even tone of voice. "I don't have much to say. I won't take up a lot of your time."

Her mouth closed, and she stayed quiet, waiting for me to go on without making any inclination to let me inside the apartment. My legs froze in my jeans, but I ignored the ache and focused on forming my words into cohesive sentences.

"We've been through a lot of shit this year," I spoke. "You and me both. Not Porter, not Anton. Just us. As individuals. Can you look back on the past year and find something that remained the same?"

She threw me a look that I read as "Where the fuck are you going with this?"

I ignored her shifting eyes and plowed on. "Just think about it. We both got boyfriends. I haven't had a boyfriend since I was like, 17. A real guy, I mean. And you found a guy that you felt legitimate feelings for. Which doesn't happen often, either. I'm proud of us both for that."