F Cancer

chapter 18

"Yes, I am. Could you stop treating me like this all the damn time?" Kenma snapped back as he got up from the sofa. He began to walk to the bedroom but he felt Kuroo grab his wrist.

"Treating you like what? I am trying to help you! Why don't you understand that? Just let me help." Kuroo spoke with annoyance in his tone.

"I don't need your help!" Kenma shouted, and began to walk out of the apartment.

"Kenma! Don't do this; let's just talk!" Kuroo practically yelled with an agitated voice as he got up from the sofa and began walking after Kenma.

Kenma ignored Kuroo and continued walking. He walked from the apartment complex to the nearby park. Kuroo wanted to chase after him, but was too slow. By the time Kuroo had put his shoes on, Kenma was out of sight.

"Dammit!" Kuroo said out loud, hitting his fists against the wall.

Kenma walked to the park and sat on the bench. He was freezing cold and his breathing was completely uneven. But he didn't care. All he cared about was Kuroo. He continued to replay their argument in his head.

"I shouldn't have said that, dammit. I completely let my anger take over. Shit, I screwed it all up. I should've just agreed. I hate myself! God, why am I like this? Why is someone like him my boyfriend? He deserves so much better than me. I am just screwing up his whole life." Kenma thought as he buried his cold face into in hands. His warm tears silently rolled down his red cheeks. Kenma was furious and upset with himself.

Meanwhile, Kuroo also decided to get out from the apartment. He needed to think things over and clear his mind. Kuroo got in his car and drove to a park (a different one from where Kenma was at) that had a big lake. He got to the park and just sat in his car, looking out at the view and thinking to himself.

"Shit, I should've just left it. He said he was fine and even though I know he isn't, I shouldn't have pushed him. Crap, I screwed up. I don't even know where he is or what he's doing right now. It's cold outside and he just left with a jacket. Shit, he might get sick. I need to go find him." Kuroo thought and began driving back home.

Kenma started walking home with puffy, wet eyes. His breathing was getting bad, but he continued to briskly walk to the apartment.

Once he got in the apartment, he realized that Kuroo wasn't home. He continued to cry while shaking. He was beyond cold and his breathing wasn't calming down. So, to calm down, he decided to get a glass of water.

He grabbed a glass, but his trembling hand dropped it. The glass shattered on the ground, and Kenma began sobbing out.

"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING, DAMMIT!" Kenma yelled, not caring if his neighbors could hear.

Kenma fell to the ground and picked up a shard of glass. He looked at his reflection in the glass and wanted to scream. His depression and anxiety took over in that moment. He rolled up his sleeve and took the shard of glass, pressing it against the skin of his wrist.

"I hate myself. I actually hate myself." Kenma whispered to himself.

A few seconds later, he took the glass and slashed it across his skin multiple times. He began crying harder from the pain. Blood began to slowly fall down his arm, but he didn't care.

Kuroo was going to go look for Kenma but decided that first he should go get some warm clothes for his boyfriend once he found him. Kuroo walked in the apartment and his eyes widened with fear. He saw Kenma on the kitchen floor, continuously cutting himself.

Kenma didn't even look up at Kuroo; Kenma almost looked like he was in a trance. His tears flowed down his face and even though he knew Kuroo was watching him, he didn't stop slitting his wrists.

After a few seconds, Kuroo realized what was going on and immediately ran over to Kenma. Kuroo firmly grabbed Kenma's wrists, stopping him from cutting himself again. Kuroo sat on the ground, not caring if he got cut from the glass beneath him. He slowly let go of Kenma's left arm and took the glass from Kenma's right hand. Once Kuroo took the glass, he carefully placed the bloody shard on the ground and then grabbed Kenma's wrist again. Kenma just sat there and sobbed.

Kuroo's eyes began to water at the sight. Blood was dripping on the floor and Kenma was crying.

Kuroo slowly let go of both wrists and gently pulled Kenma into a hug.

Kenma cried on Kuroo's shoulder and hugged Kuroo. Kenma didn't care that his blood was soaking the back of Kuroo's shirt; he just needed Kuroo.

"Kitten, I am so sorry. This is all my fault. I love you so, so much. Please don't do this ever again. Please." Kuroo spoke into Kenma's ear. Kuroo began crying; his heart felt shattered.

"No. T- this isn't your f- fault. I h- hate myself." Kenma choked up.

Kuroo was criss-crossed on the floor and grabbed Kenma. He placed Kenma in his lap and hugged him even tighter.

Kuroo couldn't respond to Kenma, so he just continued to hug him.

After a few minutes of crying, Kuroo pulled away from the hug and helped Kenma up. He carried Kenma to the bathroom and placed Kenma on the sink counter. He pulled out bandages and carefully wrapped Kenma's arm.

After bandaging Kenma, Kuroo carried Kenma to their bed and they both lied down. Kuroo snuggled with Kenma, spooning the smaller boy. Both of them still had tears running down their faces.

"Kenma, I am so sorry. I hate that I made you do that." Kuroo whispered.

"It wasn't your fault. It was mine. I am sorry, baby. I don't know why I am like this... I hate myself for being like this." Kenma responded, wiping his tears.

"Don't ever say you hate yourself. I love you so, so, so, so much. I should've been more understanding." Kuroo said.

"I love you, too. And I am sorry. I let myself get angry for no reason." Kenma answered, pulling Kuroo closer.

The couple continued to hold each other for hours upon hours, until they both fell asleep.

.  .  .  .  .

The next morning, Kuroo was woken up by Milo climbing over him. Kuroo smiled and then looked over to see Kenma's side of the bed empty. Suddenly, Kuroo remembered the events of yesterday and quickly got up. He was worried for Kenma and didn't want anything bad to have happened to him. He walked into the lounge room to see Kenma curled in a ball on the sofa.

Kenma looked up at Kuroo and then back down. Even though Kenma could trust Kuroo with anything, he was slightly ashamed of what had happened yesterday.

"Good morning, kitten." Kuroo wistfully grinned as he sat on the sofa and hugged Kenma.

Kenma hugged back, his worries disappearing.

"I thought about what you said yesterday." Kenma softly spoke.

Kuroo looked up and sympathetically stared at Kenma in the eyes.

"I couldn't sleep very well last night, so in that time I thought everything over. I think I agree... that it is best if I do something about this." Kenma said.

"Okay." Kuroo lightly grinned and then placed a kiss on Kenma's lips.

.  .  .  .  .

Kuroo and Kenma later that day scheduled an appointment with a doctor. The doctor suggested a higher dosage for Kenma's anxiety pills and sleeping pills.

After their appointment, Kenma and Kuroo picked up meat buns and went back to their apartment. They ate on the sofa with Milo in Kenma's lap, watching TV.

They both had agreed that they wouldn't speak of what had happened yesterday.

While watching TV, Kenma fell asleep in Kuroo's arms. And although Kenma was asleep, Kuroo reminded Kenma...

"I love you."