I'm sorry. I know you're disappointed in me. I just don't know how to change. Why'd you have to go... I avoid family, church even hospitals, anything that could remind me. Thought maybe I could put on this facade, that you never left... but... watching smallville, when Clarke's father dies of a heart attack, something must've triggered because I couldn't get it out of my head. The trip there... Monie describing what you looked like, with the blue lips laying on the floor stiff and lifeless... watching everyone be too scared to peer into the casket at you... putting on my face thinking im strong cuz I ain't cried while looking at you, while in my head wanting to just... just.. beat the crap out of something...
What eats me up most isn't that you won't be there for my wedding, or my kids being born (if I have any)... it's that I know.... no matter how hard I try I know I won't be able to make you proud... it's no secret I'm the screw up of the family, though me and Emily are close... I wish I had just gone to the military and gotten kia... that way I can at least have my life be giving some pseudo sense of usefulness as a meat shield...
I know I shouldn't be sad, you're in Heaven.. if it's real anyways.. but now I feel surrounded by outsiders.. even when with family.. especially with family ...
I'm so angry... I don't know why I cry. I never cry. I'm just, am I to have a break down? Is that what this is? Or has my bottle been overflowed, releasing a little bit? Am I at my limit? Can't push farther...
I watched your last video the one about being prepared to lose someone you love... and honestly.. I'm not... but that besides the point, I regret not focusing more on you while you were here...
Answer this.. why the hell were you taken away??? You were serving God, and surely doing well, we all knew you were, why not just get rid of me instead!! I'm the useless one... I spent the first month thinking, he will be back.. you will... you'll just walk through the door and say haha... y'all miss me?
2020 wasn't a disaster because some virus, nor because of the other crap going on like the riots... but because I lost one of the most important people in my life.. the one family member that I actually felt accepted from...
That's life tho. Stuff happens. People die. Get used to it, right?
