The Adjacent Room [h.s]

Chapter 43

I've been a dick lately, and I can see that you started becoming used to it. It wasn't a surprise when I came home late or when I got angry and didn't talk to you. That hurt me the most. Seeing that you accepted it, and watching you still care so deeply for someone who didn't deserve you and who couldn't even hold you when he heard you crying in the bedroom. He did hear you, and he doesn't deserve you.

I can't give this shitshow of a letter to you, so I don't even know why I'm writing it. You hate me, and honestly, I'm starting to really hate myself. Don't pity me though, I don't need that. You deserve to show that beautiful smile of yours every moment of every day and I'm totally responsible for taking it away. I ruined myself and pulled you down with me. For that and for everything, I'm sorry.

I wore your beanie the whole time you were gone. I slept on your side of the bed too, I hope you don't mind. I guess you won't even ever know. It smelt like you and it made me feel closer to you.

You know when you kiss my nose? That's my favourite thing you do.

I'm all yours and it's killing me that we've run out of time. I know the final straw was that photo, which isn't what it looks like, but this was inevitable. You put up with me for long enough. I'm jealous, scared to be vulnerable, selfish, and sometimes probably treat people with way too much kindness that it makes me a pushover. I'm toxic and I've fucked up, and I love you but I just don't think that's enough. Maybe it never was enough, but I let myself believe it was enough for too long.

I haven't told you that you're my forever yet, but I want you to know that I've known it all along.

Do you remember when I showed you the Woman demo when we were in Jamaica? I was in the studio and I came out to find you and show you, and you were sitting at the table facetiming your boyfriend. I never understood why you came to Jamaica when you had a boyfriend back in L.A. For a second I thought maybe I should let you talk to him, but the selfish and jealous part of me took over. I knew it meant you'd have to call him back later, but I asked anyway. I knew he wouldn't be happy about it, and I couldn't help but look at the annoyance on his face when you told him you'd have to go. When you said goodbye to him, he called you 'babe', and I could tell you didn't like it.

When you want to hide how you feel, you smile. That's just what you do, but your eyes always give it away. So, I could tell that you hated being called 'babe'. Now that it is..or it was, you and me and not you and him, I've never called you anything but Sophie, scared you'd feel the same way about any other name. But, in my head, I've always just thought of you as my angel. For the first time, I let it slip tonight when I was yelling that you're my angel, and when you spat it back in my face like it meant nothing, it felt like you were throwing me away, and throwing us away and throwing it all away, and I completely lost my shit. And I know you didn't know so it's not your fault, but I gave up when you said that. And that's why I said the thing about going to see my other girlfriend. She doesn't exist, she won't ever exist and I hate that I could get so angry to say something like that.

I've done a lot of soul searching since the days I would purposely try to piss off your boyfriend. That's not who I am anymore, but I'm not far from it. I'm still arrogant, toxic and narcissistic, and part of me loves that you don't know that, because then you don't see my flaws. But I realise now that I wish I let you learn every part of me, because maybe you wouldn't care that I'm flawed. You wanted, actually I think you even craved, to see all of me. Is that narcissistic? I know I'm ruining you, but it's ripping me apart that it means I'm going to be without you.

I walked out of the studio yesterday and went to therapy. Management is telling me I've lost focus on work and I'm distracted, but I've learnt to block out their voices. I felt like I was losing control and I couldn't physically hold it all in anymore, so I had to leave, and I went to the only place I could think of. My therapist told me that I need to stop internalising everything, much like what you've said to me. I talk so passionately about opening up to people how being open allows you to become closer with others, but I've done the exact opposite, and now I'm paying the price. I got in my own way. Actually, after my therapy visit was when I arrived back at the studio and that photo was taken. I guess you don't care.