The Adjacent Room [h.s]

Chapter 32

Every morning that I've woken up in the same bed as Harry, including when I was convinced he and I were just 'strictly professional', his arm would be around my waist and my head on his chest. Today, I instinctively reach for his hand, and it's not there. I could assume this just means that he's already awake, but I know he's not. The duvet is pulled tight on my left side, obviously a result of him holding it close to his body. I roll over and even in the dark, I can see Harry's curled body on the edge of the bed, facing away from me. The second I see it, my heart sinks. It almost feels a bit like a metaphor for how we are now. The band's first day in the studio was just over two weeks ago, and as each day passed since, it feels like we just keep falling apart more and more. I try to ignore it, and use the moments where he smiles to make up for all the ones where we don't talk or where we yell at each other, but it's hard to ignore it when his back is turned away from me, for the first time ever. I may as well just admit that we're not the same anymore.

I lay flat on my back and look up to the roof, biting down on my bottom lip to stop the tears in my eyes from falling onto my cheeks. It just feels different now. The house, us, everything. It's not like anything is visibly different, but it's not the same under the surface. I suppress the tidal wave forming inside, and swallow the lump that forms in my throat. I don't need to cry over this, there's no need to cry. It was one morning where I woke up and I wasn't beside him, and I can't let this upset me. But it is upsetting me, and I can't push this away like I have been everything else. As much as I'd like to push it away, I just can't, and a tear spills out of my eye. I feel Harry stirring in his spot on the edge of the bed, and wipe away the tear. I can't let him see me cry over something so minor, something that he probably doesn't even give a second thought to. At the same time, my phone alarm goes off, signifying the start of another day that I wish I could avoid. Any day at the studio results in issues for Harry and I.

'Hi.' Harry mumbles, rubbing his eyes and rolling over so we're facing each other. The distance between our two bodies seems to represent a lot more than just the physical distance. When he realises where I am positioned in the bed and how it's not beside him, I swear I see a look of sadness in his eyes, but it's hard to tell in the dark.

'I think I'll come into the studio a bit later today..if that's okay. I'll drive myself.' I say, moving my eyes to the ceiling, scared that if I look at him for too long, the tears I've swallowed will come back. I need time alone to sort through everything going on inside my head.

'Is everything okay?' He asks softly, trying to conceal the panic I can tell is in his voice. He moves closer to me, and it takes everything in me to not curl up beside him and pretend like the issues we have don't exist.

'I'm fine, just..uh..just you probably don't need me for the whole day.' I say. While my reasoning is logical considering all the times he's sent me home, it's not going to be the reason for my absence this morning.

'Okay.' He says, with a small nod. 'I guess I'll go and get ready, and see you there?'

'Mhm.' I answer, while he gets out of the bed. My eyes stay trained on the ceiling, and I'm scared that if I use words, they'll turn into sobs.

'Do you want me to open the curtains?' He asks.

'It's up to you.' I reply quietly, and he leaves them closed.

Harry gets changed and brushes his teeth without us speaking another word. I roll onto my side and pretend to go back to sleep, but there's no way I could sleep, even if I tried. It's like this a lot now, minimal words and awkward conversations. Once he leaves the room, I return to my position staring at the roof in the dark. I lay here for what feels like at least an hour, just trying to sort through everything in my head. Harry only comes back in once to kiss me goodbye and bring me coffee, and then he leaves for the studio. I'm not sure how he knew that I wasn't asleep, but he knew.