Two Brothers

~ In memory of you ~

~ I have never cried while writing one of my stories, but this one did the trick multiple times. So, warning for emotions! :') ~

Together they walked over the same path they have walked on for so many years. Every year on the same date, every year around the same time. Neither one of them looks at the other. Both are thinking their own thoughts, only aware of the other's presence because of the warmth between their bodies. Both brothers are trying to hide their emotions, try to keep them to themselves as to not be a burden to the other. They don't talk about him often. Their mother thinks about him often and shares her feelings with their uncle, but they stopped sharing a long time ago. Now they only think about him in private. They don't even talk about him to each other anymore.

It's not like they have forgotten about him or that they are not grieving anymore. They are just trying to move on, even though they still can't handle his loss. Fili nor Kili can remember him well. Fili can remember the smile on his face when they were playing together and he handed his first born his very first sword. He couldn't wait to start teaching Fili all about handling his new weapon. There was so much that he could teach him. And Fili also remembered the special smile he wore when he looked at Dis. Every time someone would talk about true love Fili felt like they were talking about his parents. Someday he would find a girl who could make him look like that. Make him feel like his parents made each other feel. 

Kili didn't have the chance to spend much time with him. He was only a few years old before their father was taken from them. Though he couldn't remember much, he could remember the fur coat in which he always wrapped him when he was cold. He loved those nights where his father would just hold him tight. He especially remembered the time where they had built a snowdwarf together. Kili had suggested to cover himself in snow so the snowdwarf would look like a little dwarfling. His father had chuckled and explained to him that it would be too cold. They had built the snowdwarf together, and Kili was proud of their result. One week later he, Thorin and some other dwarves went to their borders to protect their new home against orc's. He didn't come back.

Dis could already see it on her brother's face. Something bad had happened to her husband. Thorin carried their father's coat and weapons and Dis had dropped down to her knees. Fili and Kili didn't understand what had happened at that time until their uncle had sat them down and explained. Kili had hid himself in their room for three weeks until Thorin managed to get him outside again. Fili had run to his room to get his wooden sword to go after the orc's. Dwalin had stopped him just in time or he would have took off to revenge his father. From that day on Thorin moved in with them and took care of his sister and his sister-sons. He made sure they always had food on their plate and a roof over their heads. 

The dead leaves on the ground made a cracking noise as they walked over them. The sun was hidden behind some dark clouds, offering very little light on this rainy day. A cold breeze blew through their hair but neither of them noticed. They were almost there. Kili pulled the package in his hands closer to his chest. There was the old willow already. Fili swallowed before he continued on his way. All those years ago when they buried him together with their kin. Fili could remember it like it had only happened yesterday. He had asked his mother why they threw durt over his dead father. He believed he deserved more respect and had cried, not understanding what was happening. Thorin had picked him up in his arms and tried to comfort his sister at the same time.

Since then, he and Kili went to their father's grave every Durin's day, on their own birthdays and on his birthday. They didn't visit him on the date he died. They both knew their mother would be there, grieving over her long lost husband. They didn't come here with her, just with each other. Three times a year they would come here together. What the other didn't know, but what they both did, was that they both visited him on their own when they needed his help. Silently they passed the oak tree and there lay his headstone. Fili was the first to stay behind to give his little brother some space. Kili knelt down in front of his grave, careful not to sit too close. 'Dad... I... I made this for you' he said, his voice trembling slightly.

He put the package down on the ground and untied the rope around it. The paper slipped off and revealed a small piece of sapphire. Kili picked it up and held it near the headstone. 'Do you see it dad? I was working in the mines with uncle yesterday and I found this. I know how you always loved mom's eyes, how you could stare in them for hours... I do remember that' he said in a strangled voice. He put the wrapping paper aside and dug a small hole next to the headstone. Carefully he placed the sapphire in it and buried it beneath the ground. Softly he patted the ground to make sure no one could see there was something buried beneath it. He sat there for a little while. A single tear rolled down his cheek as he got up. 

Kili walked back to the oak tree. Without saying a word Fili turned around and stood in front of his father's grave. He took a deep breath and tried to push his tears back. 'I know I have told you this a lot...' he starts and the tears come down immediately. 'I just want you to know I have always looked up to you... You always seemed so strong and I'm trying to be strong for mother and Kee... but I can't do it. I'm trying to take care of them but if it wasn't for uncle Thorin there would be no food...' Kili tries not to listen to what his brothers says but the words do reach his ears. He never knew that Fili felt this way. He was doing a great job and he knew he was doing his best, and it was more then good enough. Kili promised himself he would show Fili his appreciation more often.

'Thorin says that one day I will be king, but I don't know if I want all that father... I'm not a wise dwarf to which our people look up, I'm not the bravest not the strongest. I can't do this... If only you were here to give me advise...' Fili was crying now, unable to stop his tears. He missed his father a lot, more then he could ever tell. He just wanted him there to help him with his duties as the next in line, to help him carry the burdens of all that came with his title. He had never asked for this and sometimes he didn't want it. But Thorin wouldn't understand. He couldn't talk about it with him. Fili was sure of it. Fili froze when he felt an arm around his shoulders. As soon as he heard Kili's voice his muscles relaxed and the tears stopped coming. 

'Father would have been proud of you. You are doing great Fee... Mother and uncle always say you will make a great king one day' he says, looking at his older brother in admiration. Fili smiles through his tear-stained face. 'Sometimes I wonder if he would be proud of us or ashamed for who we turned out to be' Fili says, looking at the headstone which shows the date of their father's death. Kili rubs his shoulder. 'He would have been so proud of us Fee, no doubt in my mind. Thorin always says our father was softer then him, and even uncle is proud of us.' Fili laughed softly. 'Aye, Thorin does say that.' Together they stand there for a while, comforting each other before it's time to leave. 'We should go home Kee, mother and uncle will be worried if we don't go back soon' Fili says.

Kili nods and together they walk back home, without their father.