Thin Air (Complete EDITING)

38- Seth

38 Seth August 30, 2020

I had no idea that relief would be the predominant emotion I felt after Cal's passing and hearing the truth of what happened to Erin, but it was. Years of questioning each and every crazy speculation are finally over.

My father in law had been trapped in his own body since May. I never told Shannon this because it would have destroyed her. But from conversations we had in the past, I knew that Cal's biggest fear was being locked alone with only his mind to keep him company. So while his passing was sad, I knew he would have been glad to finally find peace. I cannot begin to imagine what an honorable man like Cal was afraid of, but he had something in his past he did not want to be left alone with.

Calvin Holt was well-loved, I've always known that, but the sheer amount of people packed into the church yesterday was astounding. When my time comes, I hope to have even a quarter of the number of people present for him show up to remember me.

The service Shannon and her brothers planned was perfect. It honored Cal for everything that he was. There were no flowers or frivolous waste. Simply a community gathered to celebrate a man they all could rely on.

The family was stunned to learn that our beloved patriarch had silently sponsored one team from every youth sport played locally for roughly two decades. He also provided 33% of the monthly food budget for the women's haven. The biggest shock of all was that he fully funded one deserving senior's college education each year since Drew's graduation.

It turns out that my father in law was a frugal man who enjoyed granting every saved dollar to the town that he loved. I never knew this about him, and his desire to do it without seeking recognition deepened my respect for him. His children unanimously decided to carry on his generosity with the funds from his life insurance.

After the initial shock of Cal's passing faded, Shannon took solace in knowing he hadn't just been a good father, but he was a remarkable man.

With Eliza and David's blessing, we are having a small service for Erin in two weeks. When we placed her headstone all those years ago, there was nothing to bury but a box full of mementos. We are due to get her remains next week and place her under the stone with the bookends of her life carved into it, finally laying her to rest.

It is comforting to know what happened to my first love. I knew there was no way Erin was alive all these years. I refused to believe she would choose to leave Sydney and me. Yet there was always that lingering fear that someone had taken her, and she was waiting to be found. That we had failed her by moving on.

Knowing what happened in her last moments, that she had never lost who she was, validated the love I hold for her. It was late and dark. I'm sure she was tired after working all day and having dealt with her old classmates ridiculing her and filling her ears with untruths. Yet, she still chose to go check on her friend's dad lying on the side of the road, because that's who she was. Her soft heart may have been what cost her her life, but I do not fault Cal for the position she was in that night. He was hurting himself. I cannot fathom the anguish he quietly carried, knowing that the love of his life had been with another man and had died as a result of her unfaithfulness must have been excruciating.

I don't remember much about Barbie from my days interning; our paths didn't cross often. The thing that stands out in my memories of her is the way Cal looked at and spoke of her. He worshiped her, maybe his love smothered her and pushed her into Robert's arms. I really can't say, it isn't my place to judge a relationship that isn't mine. The poor man was a zombie for years following her death though. It appears that while he was never able to find another great love, he did find fulfillment in giving.

I know it would be okay, understandable even, to be angry at Robert but I cannot allow that in me. That's not to say that forgiving Robert has been easy, it really hasn't. That man took away the future I had planned on, my daughter hardly remembers her mother at all. He altered the course of our lives in many ways. I could sit and play the blame game for hours. He shouldn't have slept with Barbie. He shouldn't have been so calloused when he told Cal about it. He should have called for help. He should have owned up to what he did. But none of that changes anything, so I refuse to dwell on it.

If we only get to live on this earth one time I want to do it with love in my heart, not anger.