It's a Friday night
I get dolled up
I find myself at a party
Surrounded by happy faces
And realizing that I had forgotten my mask
My sadness was showing for the world to see
All these people
All these voices
All the hugs
The smiles
The handshakes
And only one person was on my mind
It's 12am
I'm sitting down with another's arms around me
I can feel the warmth
And I harden
I freeze
Everything is wrong about this
I'm betraying my own heart
While she holds my hand
I hold back a floodgate of emotions
Because only one person is on my mind
It's 1am
I left the party
I couldn't take all the
"What's wrong?"
"You're not yourself"
"Are you ok?"
I keep saying I'm fine
Like those words will magically make everything better
Like those words are a bandaid on a paper cut
Like they'll erase the one person who's on my mind
It's now 2am and she's still on my mind
I feel cold and numb
But the tingling
Of all the things I've been trying not to feel are creeping up behind me
I hate myself
For ending my little bit of happiness
For hurting the one person who's always been a reason to smile
The one person who was trying to mend my broken heart
I realize that I break my own heart EVERYTIME
I let fear
insecurities
Doubt
Hurt
Pride
....Smother the life from my love
The flame that once burned so brightly
Was dim, nothing but embers
You could not feel the love that still burned within me
I could not feel the love that burned within me
So at 2:30am, as I lie in the darkness
I'm holding back tears
Because I'm pushing
Trying to push you out of my mind and heart
It's better this way
I tell myself every morning, every night
Every hour
EVERYTIME your face pops into my mind
EVERYTIME I feel the urge to call or text you
I know that my way of letting my own love die
Is to smother yours
Trying to make you hate me
So I feel better about my choice
So I don't feel as if I'm breaking my own heart
So I don't feel like I've broken yours
But no matter how much I tell myself
That this is better
That you should hate me
It hurts to think that you could, would, or do
I pause,
And I remember those embers that flicker
They pray that you don't and won't hate me
It's 3am
You're still on my mind
In the darkness
My tears flow
I no longer feel numb
But a throbbing headache and chest pains
I feel it
I feel myself breaking my own heart
I feel myself trying to smother my love
I feel my depression
I feel myself hating myself
Sad songs replay in my mind
And memories of us torment me
I'm afraid I'll love you forever
I'm afraid I'll hate myself forever
I'm afraid you'll give up on me
You probably already have
I have given up on myself
On my humanity
It's 4Am
And I'm cold again
Not physically
But, my heart
Isolating that flame
I go back to "me"
Too strong to feel anything
Too strong to be vulnerable
Too strong to cry
Weak and frail
I shut it out, I suck it up
And again I say
"I'm fine, it's better this way"
But....
You're on my mind
