AFTER YOU SAVED ME // ZESSA

Chapter 1: Positive

"I think I'm pregnant. And I'm not sure if the baby is yours, or, or...his..."

That realization still weighs heavy on my mind. Only hours ago, the maybe father of my maybe unborn baby was found not guilty for raping me.

I didn't speak the whole way home from the courthouse. Zed tried to find the words to comfort me along the way, but I didn't really hear anything he said. The constant buzzing in my ears and the way my eyes would not focus prevented me from hearing anything.

Until just now.

Two blue lines stare up at me as the ringing in my ears subside.

"Tessa?" Zed asks, knocking lightly at the bathroom door. I ran straight for the restroom when we got home, rudely ignoring Zed in my efforts to get to the test I had hidden in my makeup bag.

"I just need a second," I answer, barely loud enough for him to hear. I cannot look away from the very positive pregnancy test on the counter, confirming what I already knew to be true.

I am indeed pregnant. And the baby is either Zed's or... not.

"Do you need some water or something? You've been in there a while?" Zed asks, his voice soft but uncertain.

He doesn't know I took the pregnancy test, or that I even had one to begin with. It goes without saying that people who have sex can end up pregnant, so after I lost my virginity I went out and bought some first thing – just in case.

And it looks like "just in case" is happening.

Picking up the test and shoving it in my pocket, I pull open the door to find a startled Zed on the other side, pacing slowly.

"You okay?" he asks, the fear in his voice apparent by the subtle shake of his words.

I want to answer him but cannot find the words. So, I don't say anything at all, instead rushing past him to sit on the bed and collect my thoughts. I feel the last bit of resolve in my body fade away as I collapse onto my soft bed, finally giving into the utter sadness consuming me. A violent sob roughly escapes my throat as I cover my face with my hands.

"Tessa, please talk to me," Zed pleads, quickly lying next to me on the bed and placing a hand on my tangled head of hair. He strokes it softly, trying his best to comfort me as I continue to cry into the pillow.

"I – I can't – I can't believe it," I cry, my words muffled. I further jam my head into the pillowcase, not wanting him to hear my howling cries, but knowing it is an impossible feat.

"What? Tessa, I can't hear you clearly," Zed says, carefully turning my head towards him and out of the safety of my plush pillowcase.

"I can't believe this, Zed," I say, my voice hoarse. I can barely see him through my tears, the hair on my face messily covering my view as it sticks to the cold sweat on my cheeks.

"I know Tessa, I can't either," Zed answers, his voice cracking as he fights his own tears, now growing larger on the rims of his brown eyes. "I can't believe that jury bought his ridiculous story. Anyone else could tell he was a liar."

"No, not that part," I say quietly, the sobs subsiding as my face falls.

Reaching into my pocket, I pull out the pregnancy test and place it in his unsteady hands. Just looking at it, my mind races and I am once again racked with anxious sobs as I smother my face back into the pillow.

I hear Zed stop breathing, then swallow hard, as he sits up and places a hand on my back. At this point, I am so overcome with sorrow that my lungs feel as if they're burning from the inside out, and my back aches as the sobs rip through me, causing my chest to jerk heavily.

"I don't know what to do..." I cry out. "I can't keep his baby. I can't. I could never bring that disgusting man's child into this world." I scream, my balled-up fist hitting the pillow repeatedly as my mind and body fight over control of my emotions.

This seems to jerk Zed back to reality.

"Tessa. Shh, Tessa. Calm down. We can't know for certain if it is his. Please, try to take a deep breath. You're scaring me," he murmurs, placing his hands on my shoulders to turn me over and speak with me face to face.

Something in his comment, though innocent as it may be, sets me off. In an instant, I am on my feet and pacing next to the bed.

"I'm scaring you! I'm scaring you? Imagine how scared I am that I might be carrying Dan's baby!" I screech, my hands in my hair. "I won't. I won't do it!" I turn to leave, not knowing where I'm going, and catch myself in the reflection of my bedroom mirror.

I look insane. My eyes are crazed and bloodshot, my cheeks bright red and splotchy, as tears run down my face and into my tangled hair. I don't recognize the girl looking back at me, and this time I'm the one snapping back to reality.

"I – I'm sorry," I spit out, turning quickly to look at Zed, my voice now a small echo in the room.

He stares back at me, eyes wide and mouth open, unsure of what to do or say. The only sound in the room is our heavy breathing and a passing car.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," I whisper, my voice trembling as a wave of nausea creeps up my stomach and into the back of my throat.

"Oh, God," I mutter, placing a hand over my mouth and running to the bathroom.

"Tess, what's wrong?" Zed asks concerned, following quickly behind me as I barely make it to the toilet in time to throw up what little food I had in my stomach.

He grabs my hair, saving me a further mess to clean up, and soothingly rubs my back as I dry heave into the porcelain bowl.

"We are going to figure this out. I promise. And I'll support whatever decision you make," he says into my hear, squeezing my shoulder as I flush the toilet and sit on the cold tile.

"I mean it, I can't have his baby," I murmur, staring at the white floor as I wipe my mouth. "We need to get a paternity test or something. I won't have his child."

"Then we'll get one. Or figure out how to get one. I'll look into it right now, okay?" he says, moving a few stray strands of hair from my eyes and softly gripping my chin. "I'll take care of you."

"Thank you," I barely whisper, as he gives me a quick kiss on the forehead and leaves the room.

Sitting on the floor, left alone with my thoughts, I debate how likely it is I will keep this pregnancy.

Zed and I had been together without a condom only 3 days before I was... well...

But Dan, he didn't use any protection. He took what he wanted and left me like a crumpled piece of garbage, not caring of the consequences of his vile actions.

So, in all likelihood, the baby is not Zed's. But the small bit of hope that maybe it is, is the only thing keeping me from running out of this room right now and straight into an abortion clinic.

And if it turns out that it is Zed's, am I ready to be a mother? Am I ready to change my dreams, my goals, my life's wants... for this unplanned baby?

I'm not sure. But part of me thinks maybe I could. Maybe I can do it. I can have the career, the family, the happily ever after I have always dreamt of, only a little sooner tham I was planning. Much sooner, actually.

But the baby probably isn't Zed's. I won't even entertain the idea. How could I be so lucky? I'm never that lucky.

This past year has taught me just how unlucky I can be. Everything from Hanya, to Dan, to Hardin...

Which reminds me – he called me right after the trial. He even sounded... concerned for me. I thought he hated me, but that call sounded so different...

Just then, I hear Zed's footsteps approach the bathroom door.

Slowly pushing it open, Zed peeks his head in just enough to see me unmoved where he left me moments before.

"Hey, Tessa. The school OBGYN can see you tomorrow morning. I set up the appointment," he says quietly, eyes filled with worry.

"Thanks," is all I can muster before I see his expression drop as he closes the door.

Tomorrow will change everything.