364 Nights

Night one.

The soft quilt and blankets underneath me shift off of my curled up, pale body as I turn over on your twin-sized mattress. My long brown hair falls into my face and I brush it away with a moan. I grunt and tug the warm fabric up over my exposed shoulders and the comforting sleep pushes in to my brain once more. But before I can sink into the blissful release of reality, my hand reaches out for your body and finds only an empty sheet. My eyes shoot open as I realize something is wrong, but I can't wait for them to adjust to the darkness. I flick on the lamp next to your bed. Your side, near the wall, is completely exposed and empty, and it's terrifying. Where are you? It's three in the morning. The sheets crinkle as my bare feet slide out onto your cold wooden floor. The clock ticks on the wall, a metronome of seconds I have to find you. Stepping out into the hallway, careful not to knock anything over in the pressing dark, I quietly whisper your name, receiving no response. All the lights are off, you're not in the kitchen or bathroom, and this is where I start to panic. My breathing becomes quicker and I pull on the shoes I brought. I can't lose you.
***
Bitter winter wind pricks my ears and I trudge on through the snow, soaking the edge of my sweatpants. A small white cloud of breath forms in front of my face as I exhale. Your flashlight is dying, but I didn't have time to find any batteries. I'm guided only by this dim light and the tightening of my gut that senses when I'm turned in your direction. At this point, my voice stops caring about sleeping neighbors and it only knows your name. I stop when I reach the road. And I freeze. And there you are. Lying on the yellow line. A few feet from a bus.
I'm screaming, and I'm screaming, I can't stop screaming, it's a demented form of your name. I'm next to you, on top of you, shaking you awake, screaming, screaming, screaming, God, wake up, I need you, wake up.
Red, red everywhere, it won't come off us, get it away, bring you back. Please. No. NO. NO!
The only thing my brain can focus on is that you died facing the stars. When I see flashing red and blue, I remember how much you loved- love them.
I'm still screaming when your father gathers me into his arms.
The stars shine brightly, just tonight. Just for you.