Irreplaceable [h.s]

Chapter 1

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
so why don't we go
somewhere only we know?

* * * *

I stare intently at myself in the mirror, tears running down my slightly flushed cheeks as I see someone I barley recognize in the reflection. Someone who's broken and lost. So beyond lost. Someone that can barley tolerate waking up each morning without him beside her. Someone who's weak. Someone I don't even want to look at most days and the saddest part of all, the girl in the reflection is me. She'll always be me.

It's been a week since the night Harry left.

The night he left me without a goodbye.

I could barely drive myself home that night. I actually don't even know if I can call it home anymore. It sure as hell doesn't feel like home anymore. It's sad and pathetic of me to say but without him, this apartment, this place that was my home before I met him, doesn't feel like home anymore. He was my home. He was my safety. He was the person I looked forward to seeing after coming home from work and now that he's gone. All I have is sad memories of him. All I have is sad memories of us and what we once were.

The thought of wishing I had just never made those memories with him crosses my mind a few times to day and I always feel guilty for it afterwards. The pain just gets unbearable sometimes. My heart physically aches. It feels like my heart it being ripped in and out of my chest over and over again. Today is one of those days. This entire week has been like that in fact but today, it's exceptionally rough. The morning after he left was excruciating. I didn't even want to come back that night. I was scared of being in the apartment without him. It just sounded like torture to me, which is is.

I refused to go to sleep for awhile, knowing that I would wake up without him there the next morning. I just sat there in bed and cried for hours. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how else to cope. I soon fell into exhaustion from crying so much, leading me into a very deep sleep. I woke up the next morning, my eyes sore and puffy and a cold empty side of the bed next to me. My eyes hurt so much from crying the night before that it was physically painful to cry more. I tried not to cry but after the first tear fell that morning, the rest came out in waves.

How do you truly cope with things like this?

When I was in highschool I'd see girls cry from breakups quite a bit but since I never really desired that, I didn't understand because I never experienced it. I actually thought a lot of them were being dramatic and that they could at least put on a mask as if they were okay for school. I get all of that now. I'm very late but I get it. I try to put up a front sometimes and act unfazed but I can't. I don't have the energy to pretend that I'm okay. It's weird actually considering it's all I've ever done but this time around, I can't.