Irreplaceable [h.s]

Chapter 20

Leah POV

Am I really doing this right now?

Am I really about to go out to the club with Aiden? Aiden out of all people? What the fuck am I doing? I know I could of called off and changed my mind but a part of me feels guilty doing that even though I know he wouldn't care at all. He would probably laugh and make fun of me then leave. I guess that's one good thing. If I ever want to bail on him, I know he won't get hurt by it.

He doesn't seem to really get hurt by anything. He seems to be quite unbothered most of the time. Even that time him and Harry fought when I first found out about him and Nick, he never got angry. He wasn't one that yelled or vividly showed he was angry. I think that's scarier than someone getting angry and yelling. Him staying calm through it was a bit terrifying.

Like with my father for example, after some time of him yelling before he got violent, I got used to the yelling and the vivid anger. People that I've fought back at the club in Oregon would usually get mad and yell and be clearly frustrated. Me on the other hand, I've never been one to do that.

I can definitely at times get clearly frustrated but most of the time, I just snap. Like when I would get into fights with people at the club, I would stay calm until they said something that just made me snap or they hit me first. I always tried following by what my grandmother told me about to never hit someone first and only after they do for self defense.

I sometimes break it. I sometimes don't. It's a mystery. Looking back, I don't like how violent of a person I was. I don't like it because it reminds me of my father. Even though it was nowhere near the same, being physically violent with someone at all, no matter the reason, I've never enjoyed. It's never something I've taken pride in like how others might.

I used to snap so easily. My temper used to be so short. I was mad almost all of the time but that's only because I would turn all of that pain and sadness I was feeling into anger. I channeled it into anger because I didn't feel ashamed to feel angry. I didn't feel weak. But being sad definitely did. It made me feel vulnerable and weak and vulnerability is something I never wanted to show.

I look at myself now and can't believe the person I used to be. I still see her in me sometimes. I see what I'm capable of. I could let myself fall. I could give up completely and become the person I once was. For awhile there after Harry, I wanted to. I didn't care any longer about trying to be good for anyone. I didn't really care about anything.

I didn't care about how much I drank and the consequences it would have. I didn't care about how much I ate that day. I didn't care about how much I slept or if I did at all. I won't say I didn't care about checking in with people or keeping in contact with Sage for example. I did and I wanted to but I couldn't gather enough energy to socialize with anyone.

Then once I did, it was a completely new step in my processing pain system that I have always had. I think that stage is the most concerning part. Once I feel numb but have this urge for adrenaline or to feel something at all. That was exactly why I got into so many fights and did so many reckless things. I needed to feel that fire inside of me when I did something I knew I shouldn't do.

I needed a distraction.

I needed a distraction from all the pain I was feeling then. If I let it all in, then it would consume me. I would go out a distract myself but once I got back home and was all alone, all of it would begin suffocating me. It was always temporary but I knew it was better than nothing.

I think that's how I feel now. I wouldn't particularly enjoy spending time with Aiden but this can be a distraction for me. I might want to run into oncoming traffic by the end of the night. But what is life without a little bit of thrill am I right?