Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

28. Cold Shoulders

It was four in the morning on the day after Christmas. The frost had swept over the small town during the past few nights, covering everything in a thin layer of ice and freezing over some areas of the creek that ran through the woods. Tyler was sitting on the tree branch that hung over the water, methodically tapping his toes against the ice. Every now and then a small piece would break off and Tyler would watch it float down the small stream until his eyes could no longer chase it in the dark.

What is loneliness? Does everyone feel lonely? It is just a social construct made up for the sole purpose of companies making money off of couples and groups of friends? Why does one feel lonely? Is it the absence of people in one's immediate reach? Is it not having people to be completely honest with? Is it the overbearing company of one's thoughts?

Tyler's phone began to ring. A distant melody clashing with the harsh stillness of Tyler's surroundings.

"Tyler, why aren't you at campus?" Josh's ragged voice was like a slap in the face.

Tyler didn't reply immediately. He hadn't talked to anyone besides himself since he fled his school and found refuge at the inn.

"Because," he eventually mumbled.

"Because?" Josh repeated, annoyance clear in his tone of voice. Tyler flinched at the word. "Tyler, I'm worried about you. Michael said that you just up and left and hadn't called him to let him know how you were. You didn't tell your family you were leaving; you didn't even tell me, for crying out loud!"

Tyler hung his head as he listened to Josh sigh on the other end of the phone. He didn't want to worry Josh; it was the last thing he wanted. He just needed sometime alone to think about everything without anyone else around to question him. He asked himself enough questions as it was. Tyler needed more answers.

"Ty, what's going on? You've been acting even more differently lately. I've noticed the bandages, the energy drinks, the bottles of pills. Michael even said he thought you came back drunk the other night! You're not okay!"

"Leave me alone, Josh," Tyler whispered. He didn't want to be mean to his best friend, but right now he needed to be alone. Alone was good sometimes.

"I'm not going to leave you alone!" Josh shouted. Tyler pulled the phone away from his ear and winced. He was hurting Josh. He hated it. "I need you to tell me what's going on with you. You're hurting yourself and I'm not going to stand by and watch anymore. I'm done with it."

"Josh, I need to do this by myself."

"By yourself?" Josh laughed. "You've been by yourself for this long and you've only gotten worse. I can't let you do this alone."

A voice in the background hissed at Josh to be quiet.

Josh is still with his family. You're taking up the time he's supposed to be spending with them.

"Shut up," Tyler said to his own thoughts.

"I will not shut up!" Josh seethed. "Tyler, this is serious. It's been serious. You need real help."

Tyler blinked away a tear for upsetting Josh to the point of yelling, and then another for allowing himself to cry yet again.

"You have to understand," Tyler pleaded. "Leave me alone."

Josh sighed again. "Leave you alone? Is that what you really want?"

Tyler nodded. "Yes. Please."

"Fine, you know what? I won't say another word to you then," Josh said, venom dripping from each syllable. "Merry Christmas, Tyler Joseph."

The line went dead. Tyler choked back a sob and set his phone down in the branch beside him.

"I want you to be here. I want your help," he cried. "But I can't. I'm just a waste. You need to see that, Josh."

Tyler spent the remainder of the morning and part of the afternoon sitting on the branch. The ice that he had been tapping his toes against was all chipped away, letting him see how the water underneath flowed freely. Once or ten times Tyler's stomach growled, but he was so used to ignoring the pain that accompanied not eating that he didn't take much notice. His thoughts were focused on the fact that Josh probably hated him now.

He probably hated him because he took up space. Because he took up time and energy. Because he meant nothing and was going nowhere. Because he was an awful friend.

It was half past three by the time Tyler made himself walk all the way back to the inn. His thoughts had picked him clean; leaving behind nothing but a sorry excuse of a boy and a broken heart.

When Tyler reached the inn he passed by the front counter on the way to his room. The old lady from the other night was back, but this time she was on the phone. Tyler paid little attention to her as he passed, that is, until he heard something that sparked his interest.

"No, sir, he hasn't been in all day. Spends most of his time in the forest... oh wait, actually he just walked in."

Tyler's face twisted into a look of confusion as he entered his room. Who would call in regards to him? Unless some other guy spent his entire time in the forest and walked in right at the same moment Tyler had.

It's probably the second one, Tyler thought. No one cares enough about me.

As soon as his door was closed, Tyler collapsed onto the bed. He hadn't slept since around the beginning of Christmas Eve. Part of it was due to his returning nightmares that he didn't want to face, and the other part was because his thoughts were now at a constant state of yelling everything at him. Even the normal thoughts that caused no harm were screaming into his ears all throughout the day.

"Alone," Tyler mumbled as his eyes slipped shut. "I'm alone."