Searching for Purpose (Twenty One Pilots)

13. Doing Good

Just like Saturday eventually rolled around, Tyler eventually rolled out of bed around noon. With hesitation and regret in his steps, he made his way over to his bathroom and turned on the shower.

"Am I happy?" Tyler asked the water as he stood outside of the shower and watched it fall. "Am I sad?"

He stepped under the downpour and closed his eyes.

"Did I want to do it? Do I regret not doing it?"

He rinsed the shampoo out of his hair. He had run out of his own shampoo yesterday, and Josh had an extra bottle of his lying around. It smelled like apples.

"Do I want to still be here?"

That question swam throughout Tyler's brain as he rinsed the soap off his body. His eyes glanced over the smooth, pale, unmarked skin of his forearms and his hands twitched. Suddenly he was overcome with the desire to do something. The thing he promised he would never do. The thing that promised to take away the pain for just a little bit. The thing that he had seen be the end of others.

His breathing sped up and he stumbled out of the shower.

"No," he whispered.

Tyler didn't know if he was answering his question or if he was refusing to do what his thoughts were telling him to, and if he was being honest, he didn't know which scared him more.

"Tyler?" a voice called out from his room. He still left his door unlocked, partly for the convenience for his friends, and partly because deep down, even though he would never admit it, he wanted someone to come in when he was at his weakest and help him.

"In the bathroom. I'll be out in a second," Tyler called back. He thanked whichever god was watching over him at that moment that his voice didn't come out as panicked and terrified as he felt. He pulled his clothes on and tried his hardest to lose the look of fear that was present in his eyes, but eventually he gave up.

"What's up?" Tyler asked as he walked into his room. Michael was sitting on the edge of his bed, hands fiddling with one of Tyler's tiny penguins.

"Are you doing okay?"

Tyler was a little startled by Michael's question. Sure, it was just a simple question that many people asked their friends or coworkers, or even strangers, multiple times a day, but the way that Michael said it, the way his eyebrows knitted together, the way he didn't look away when he asked it almost brought Tyler to tears.

"Uhm, yeah. I'm good. I'm doing good," Tyler replied.

Lies.

Complete lies.

You should just tell him the truth, not that he'd believe you anyway. You have nothing to be sad about. He'd laugh in your face. He'd tell the whole school.

Tyler Joseph. An anxious asshole who cares about his problems, and his problems only. What a great way to make more friends.

"Okay. Just making sure."

Tyler smiled at Michael as he walked out his room. When the door shut, Tyler was about to sit down and ask himself why Michael was suddenly so talkative and caring towards him, when he heard voices in the hall.

"He said he was 'doing good'. I couldn't get him to say anything else," Michael explained to another person. Tyler quickly crossed his small dorm room and leaned against his door, trying to hear every word.

"Really? Nothing else?" Was that Josh?

"Nope."

"Oh, okay. Thanks anyways." That was Josh.

"No problem."

Tyler heard footsteps walk down the hallway and a door open and close. Josh sighed heavily and slumped against the wall right next to Tyler's door. After a few seconds, Tyler stepped away from his door and opened it slowly, poking his head out of it when the gap was big enough. Josh had the back of his head against the wall and his eyes were closed. Tyler took a deep breath and spoke gently.

"You can always ask me yourself, you know."

Josh sighed again and opened his eyes. He turned and looked at Tyler, studying his face.

"I know. Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"You're not telling me the truth, are you?"

Tyler sighed. He figured there was no point in hiding all of the truth from Josh is he was asking other people to check up on him. "Nope."

"Will you ever?"

"Probably not."

"Then how will I know if you're okay? If you need my help?"

"You won't."

Josh sighed and closed his eyes again, resting his head back against the wall. Tyler stepped out of his room fully and leaned against the wall next to Josh.

"I worry about you, you know that, right?" Josh asked.

"I know," Tyler whispered.

"And you know that you can trust me?"

"I know."

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"And you still won't tell me?"

"I can't. I'm sorry," Tyler whispered, this time even more quietly than before.

Tyler felt so bad standing there and watching his friend look back at him with worry filled eyes. He felt bad that he couldn't tell him. He felt bad that he couldn't ask for help. He felt weak. He was weak. He was weak and he was sad and he was pitiful and he was worthless and he didn't deserve the friends he had and nothing ever went right for him and he was never happy and his life was a joke and he was going to die without any meaning and his demons would win the war he had already fought so hard not to lose.

But yet, he couldn't do anything to fix any of that, save for ending everything, but he couldn't do that. Not to his mom, not to his dad, not to his siblings or grandparents, and good God he could not do that to Josh.

"Okay," Josh replied.

"Okay?" Tyler had been expecting Josh to push more on the topic, but of course, Josh had to be the perfect human that he was and understand how Tyler felt without him ever saying anything.

"Yeah."

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Hello! So instead of finding songs that relate to the chapters (it's a lot harder than I though it would be. Who knew?) I'm just going to put songs that I listen to when I'm feeling down or songs that helps me and whatnot. I think it will give the same effect, but if it's just annoying, let me know. As always, you guys are more than welcome to leave songs in the comments or message me some other way (I'll dedicate the chapter I use your song in to you as well) .