Memoria. | Kozume Kenma

39

"Seriously, don't cry..." I turned to her as I wipe my cheeks, seeing her about to cry as well. "You're lucky.. incredibly lucky to have him."

"Why are you crying too?"

"No matter what I did, he chose you. He always chooses you. I always watched from afar.. his eyes are always on you. Yes, I liked him too and I somehow still do.. but I can't force him to like me if he loves you."

Seeing her being so emotional just surprises me, she rarely acts like this. If she's really crying then she's saying the truth, she's being honest with me. I don't know how much she wished to have him like her back, and I feel guilty as if I stole someone precious from her.

"He'll show himself soon.. he'll tell you who he is.. by then, please be happy. Both of you please be happy." I nod slowly, wiping my cheeks dry but I just kept crying.

I don't know what hurts more. If it's watching from afar, expecting some miracle to happen between you and someone, or if it's waiting for them to come back without even knowing who they are. Both sides carry the same weight, both hurts different people in different ways. It's just doubled for me because I don't remember anything.

I tried everything that I can to stop crying but I really had to let everything out. I guess not crying in my sleep the night before yesterday bottled up my tears. I feel bad for Kazuhiko, she's scolding me for crying when she told me not to. I can't really hold back my tears, I needed to cry them all out.

I'm staring at my phone, thinking about how it's so unfamiliar to me. When mom gave it to me, I just couldn't feel like it was my actual phone. It didn't seem like it was. I felt like it was changed by my parents, for some reason. I guess they wanted to hide every possible truth about myself. Everything...

It's lunchtime and I haven't cooked anything yet. I stand from the floor, fixing the blanket over Kazuhiko as she slept. I head to the kitchen, remembering that I still have the dishes Kozume-san cooked for me. They taste so familiar to me, it's as if it was something I used to eat everyday. Someone tell me everything about me.

I heated them up, running to my room to get the pills. I need them. My chest is heaving, I can't breathe. I got three and drank them, why now? No, why is this happening to me? I'm panting, gasping for air as I tried to breathe and calm myself down. Can I be selfish for one more time? I need something more than the pills. I need someone..

I need him.

"H-Hey.. t-tell me anything.. anything.. just.. speak to me.." I say to the phone, clenching my shirt as my heart pounded inside my chest. "I-I need.. I n-need something..."

"What's wrong? Are you okay? (Y/n) are you having an attack?" His voice isn't helping much, I can't breathe. "Hey listen to me, take three deep breaths.. Focus on my voice." I did as he said, crying and panicking when I can't focus. "Focus on my voice.. listen to my voice."

"I-I c-can't.. h-how? I--"

"I love you." What? "I love you, it's okay.. calm down. I'm here." What is he saying? "I love you, (Y/n)." I'm calming down, but my tears are just continuing to fall.

I stand and head to the kitchen, taking a few deep breaths as I listened to his. I turn off the microwave, leaning on the counter as I continued to quietly listen to him breathe. He's not saying anything, is he still there? I can only hear him breathing and nothing else... sobs?

"Have you calmed down?" I can hear him sniffling, is he okay? I hum in response, biting my hand to shut myself up. "Do you still need me?" I don't know... I don't know what to say. "You can--"